You make me feel. (Part 2) - Lambrookmist (2024)

Chapter 1

Chapter Text

"No." Said Kate with flat certainty. "I am not attending a support group."

"I just thought it might help you to talk to someone." Said Osgood. This really wasn't her area of expertise and she was uncomfortable.

"I talk to you."

"I meant talk to someone who's had the same experience as you."

"Who? There's no one like me."

"I know." Osgood couldn't help herself, she smiled.

Kate tilted her head in acknowledgement.

"But Kate there are people who ...."

"I appreciate the thought but I have nothing in common with those poor half converted wretches we pull out of cyber factories every few years. They're pitiful broken creatures. I'm a fully functioning Cyberman."

"You sound proud." There was a note of amusem*nt in Osgood's voice and something else. Pride? Pleasure?

"I do don't I?" Said Kate wonderingly. She looked at her own hand, a powerful armoured gauntlet with nothing beneath but sensors and hydraulics. She flexed her grip.

"My point is that I'm not the type to sit around listening to a group of people whining about being triggered every time they see the delete key on their laptop. Anyway I doubt they would be very pleased to see me either."

"Actually I wasn't going to suggest you talk to other cyber converts." Osgood was starting to wonder if this was such a good idea. Sometimes things in her head just didn't survive exposure to Kate.

"Then who else?"

"We actually have a guest here at UNIT HQ claiming sanctuary who might fit the bill."

"Why wasn't I informed?" Demanded Kate.

"You, uh, sorry but you don't have the security clearance anymore." Said Osgood uncomfortably.

"Oh, of course, sorry I forgot." Said Kate stiffly. Osgood knew her well enough that even with the inexpressive Cyberman and voice she could tell that Kate was embarrassed.

"But I've persuaded command that you can meet our guest for mutual therapy and intelligence gathering."

The last part was a lie but she hoped it would encourage Kate to participate.

"Really? So who or what is our guest?"

"Well her name is Oswin, she enjoys cookery, opera and the films of Cary Grant, 'His girl Friday' is her favourite apparently and she's a Dalek."

"A Dalek? A Dalek Dalek?"

"Yes."

"Still in its war chassis?"

"Yes, fully functional."

"What on earth is UNIT doing letting a fully functional armed member of a hostile alien race into its HQ?!"

Osgood said nothing.

"I heard it as I was saying it." Admitted Kate. "So she's like me? Still human ... In her outlook."

"As much as she can be." Qualified Osgood. "Physically she's less human than you but she remembers being human."

"Poor woman. What happened to her?"

"We're hoping she might tell you."

That was another lie. Oswin had been happy to share her background but Osgood knew Kate was more likely to participate if she thought she was helping UNIT gather intel.

"I suppose I could talk to her." Conceded Kate. She was a scientist after all and although her curiosity had been deadened by the cyber conversion it was hard not to be curious about a Dalek who liked cookery.

The Dalek was being kept in a pleasantly furnished room deep inside the base. Despite the decor the room was a cell designed to prevent any electronic signal going in or out. The walls and door were discretely but heavily armoured.

It was the same room Kate had been kept in during the early weeks of her recovery. She found herself reluctant to step back inside in case it was a trick to secure her again. Even if it wasn't the room was full of bad memories.

"It's alright I'll leave the door open." Said Osgood softly. Kate was embarrassed that Osgood had guessed what she was thinking.

Embarrassed but grateful.

Inside the room was an ordinary looking warrior class Dalek. Ordinary unless you counted the sticker on its chest reading 'Don't shoot I'm Oswin'. Bizarrely there were other stickers low down on its bumper:

'Seek,locate, soufflé'

'I brake for mutants'

'I ♥️ plungers'

'Dun exterminatin'

'Skaro Pepperpots FC'

The Dalek saw Kate looking.

"I WAS TRYING TO APPEAR LESS THREATENING." it screeched. It's voice was as typically Dalek as it's appearance. Kate took a step back, her cybergun extended. She retracted the weapon with an effort. Kate realised this was how most people reacted to her.

"Sorry, habit." She apologised.

"I UNDERSTAND. I THINK I NEED MORE STICKERS. YOU MUST BE KATE. THE CUTE ONE WITH GLASSES TOLD ME ABOUT YOU."

Kate looked around the room. There was a pile of cook books, a record player and a stack of old records sitting on a desk against the wall. The furniture had been pushed back to give the Dalek space.

"You've got my old room." Said Kate for want of anything better to say.

"IT COULD USE A WINDOW."

"Just what I said."

Kate had been bored and lonely and terrified in this room. Uncertain about her future. Worried about her family. Scared. And bored. So bored. They were not good memories. She didn't trust the Dalek but she did feel a tiny hint of empathy. As much as her cyber systems allowed.

"I'm not terribly good at small talk." admitted Kate.

"I FIND IF THE CONVERSATION LULLS I JUST SCREAM 'EXTERMINATE'. IT REALLY BREAKS THE ICE."

"Delete!"

"IT'S NOT AS GOOD."

"I'll give you that. Daleks do have better catchphrases. I always feel as if I got assimilated by number two in the monster hit parade."

"WELL AT LEAST YOU ARE STILL HUMAN SHAPED. YOU HAVE ARMS AND LEGS. ALL I HAVE IS A PLUNGER AND A BUILT IN GUN."

"I've got a built in gun." Protested Kate.

"MINE IS BIGGER. AND I HAVE A PLUNGER."

"Yes, I'm not trying to body shame you or anything but why a plunger? Daleks are the most feared warrior race in the universe, I just don't see how a plunger helps with that."

"OBVIOUSLY YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN PLUNGED. DALEKS PLUNGE HARD."

"Right. Well that's something."

"I HAVE LIGHTS ON MY HEAD NOW!"

"You've got me there. I'm thankful I'm not one of those Cybermen with the light up chests. I had enough of people staring at my chest when I was human."

"I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN."

"You do still have those bumps though."

"STOP STARING, MY EYESTALK IS UP HERE!"

"Was that a joke?"

"YES."

"I'm laughing but my voice synthesiser doesn't process laughter."

"IT'S ALRIGHT IT WASN'T THAT FUNNY. DALEKS DO TELL JOKES THOUGH. WHAT DID THE DALEK SAY TO THE INFERIOR SPECIES?"

"I don't know."

"EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!"

".........."

"YOU HAD TO BE THERE."

"That was a joke as well wasn't it?"

"YES. I'M HERE ALL WEEK. TIP YOUR WAITRESS!"

"I'm laughing on the inside. Cybermen aren't really built for jokes."

"PERHAPS YOU JUST HAVEN'T GOT A HANDLE ON THE CYBERMAN SENSE OF HUMOUR YET ......... HANDLE. GET IT?"

"Jokes like that prove you're human inside."

"I'M GREEN AND SQUISHY WITH TENTACLES. WHAT ABOUT YOU?"

"I look like Frankenstein's leftovers."

"WHAT ABOUT SEX?"

"Uhh .... Look you seem nice but ..."

"I MEANT IS IT STILL AN OPTION FOR YOU?"

"Actually yes, It's not the same, I don't have all the .... I cannot believe I am discussing this with you."

"AT LEAST YOU HAVE A CHANCE, THE ONLY WAY FOR ME IS IF SOMEONE REACHES INSIDE MY SHELL AND TICKLES MY PLEASURE RECEPTORS. DO YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO WOULD BE INTO THAT?!"

"No one who isn't spoken for. There are probably websites. Online dating?"

"I'M NOT RISKING GETTING CATFISHED BY AN OGRON."

"I really can't tell if you are still joking."

"UNATTACHED GALACTIC DESPOT SEEKS SENTIENT LIFE FORM WITH LONG ARMS, RUBBER GLOVES AND A PLUNGER FETISH. NON SMOKER."

"Worth a try."

"I'M DYING ALONE."

"Maybe you shouldn't insist on a non smoker?"

"I HAD TO BEAT THEM OFF WITH A STICK WHEN I WAS HUMAN."

"I'm sorry but you just put a very disturbing image in my head."

"I MEAN I WAS ATTRACTIVE, LOOK."

Oswin projected an image of herself as a human onto the wall.

"You look just like Clara Oswald but that's impossible."

"DON'T YOU START."

"But how?"

"ASK THE PREDATOR."

"Who?"

"SORRY I MEANT THE DOCTOR."

"Say no more, I assume Doctor involvement meant complex insanity paradoxes and explosions?"

"ALL OF THE ABOVE."

"They do that."

"WELL I'VE SHOWN YOU MINE..."

"I can't do the projection thing."

Kate felt uncomfortable at the idea of showing someone pictures of her old self. The people she interacted with at UNIT already knew who she had been. She hadn't really spoken with anyone else so she'd never had to break out the family photos.

Oswin had shared though and she felt obligated.

Kate's UNIT ID had her Cyberman face on which she was sure some admin geek had thought was funny. She didn't have a picture of herself and she was blocked from internet access. She suddenly panicked. What if she forgot what she'd looked like.

It doesn't matter, she told herself. She was never going to look like that again so who cared. The thought hit her with a wave of disconnected dizziness.

"IF ITS HARD FOR YOU TO SHOW ME I UNDERSTAND."

"You do?"

"YES, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT IF YOU WERE UGLY."

"Actually I ... You're teasing me aren't you?"

Kate wasn't used to being teased. Most people treated her with distant politeness or barely suppressed fear either because of what she had been or what she was. Even Osgood still called her Ma'am at times.

"I'VE SEEN PICTURES OF YOU. HITCHco*ck BLONDE. I'D HAVE LET YOU REACH INSIDE MY SHELL ANY TIME."

"But not now?"

"SORRY."

Kate really wished she could laugh.

"Did I just get sexually rejected by a Dalek? Not that I was offering, but that is a new low for me."

"THE HEART WANTS WHAT THE HEART WANTS."

"I don't have a heart."

"YOU DO SOUND LIKE SOMEONE I WOULD HAVE DATED. ANYWAY YOU HAVE OSGOOD."

"I don't 'have' Osgood. We just work together."

"SURE. I'VE GOT EYES, WELL EYESTALK, I'VE SEEN HOW SHE LOOKS AT YOU. AND WHEN WE WERE IN THE ROOM TOGETHER YOU ALWAYS KEPT BETWEEN US. YOU PROTECTED HER."

Kate hadn't realised she'd done that.

"So why did you come here?" Asked Kate changing the subject.

"THE PRED .... DOCTOR DROPPED ME OFF. WHERE ELSE COULD I GO? EVERYONE HATES DALEKS AND DALEKS HATE EVERYONE."

That was true. No species was more reviled and feared. You would have to travel a long way before you met someone who didn't know what a Dalek was and the only people who didn't hate Daleks were the ones who'd never met them.

"You could go somewhere no one knows Daleks. There must be planets the Daleks never reached."

"THE DOCTOR WAS AFRAID I MIGHT INFECT THEM WITH DALEK TECHNOLOGY OR TEACH THEM NOT TO FEAR DALEKS.

THERE IS NOWHERE FOR ME. I THOUGHT UNIT MIGHT HAVE SENT YOU TO END ME."

Kate had certainly thought about killing the Dalek but only in self defence. When Oswin said it Kate was depressed to realise she would execute the Dalek if she'd been ordered to. She'd done worse as a human.

She was more surprised to find she was very glad no one had given the order.

"No, that's not why I'm here." She reassured.

"THAT'S GOOD. I MAY BE A MONSTER BUT I DON'T WANT TO DIE."

Yes that sentiment certainly felt familiar to Kate.

"Welcome to the club." She said.

"YOU USED TO BE UNIT. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY PLAN TO DO WITH ME?"

"I'm still UNIT." Said Kate defensively. "I just had a change of job title."

"ALIEN ARTEFACT CY- 186655987A-ACTIVE."

"Pardon?"

"IT'S YOUR NEW UNIT DESIGNATION."

"What? No. How could you possibly know? This is a shielded room. You can't access UNIT files."

Kate found she wanted to concentrate on that and not consider the implications of her new designation.

"I AM A DALEK. SORRY THAT SOUNDED BAD I MEANT I AM A DALEK. OH THERE'S NO GOOD WAY OF SAYING THAT. I MEANT THAT I HAVE SUPERIOR IT CAPABILITIES BECAUSE .... WELL YOU KNOW ..."

"Do UNIT know you've hacked their system?"

"NOT YET. I JUST WANTED TO SHOW I COULD BE USEFUL TO THEM. ALSO I GOT BORED."

"I can't access anything."

"HAVE YOU TRIED TURNING IT OFF AND ON AGAIN?"

Kate realised that Oswin was desperately trying to sound as unthreatening as possible despite having just casually broken the best security UNIT had. Security she herself couldn't defeat.

"DON'T WORRY I'M NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING BAD. I'VE GOT INTERNET ACCESS. WE COULD ORDER OSGOOD SOME FLOWERS."

"She's allergic." Said Kate automatically.

"CHOCOLATES? I'VE FOUND SOME SHAPED LIKE BOW TIES."

"Well she probably would like those. No I cannot be gift shopping with a rogue Dalek. "

"IS THERE ANYONE YOU WOULD LIKE ME TO CHECK ON FOR YOU?"

Kate thought about her family. They believed her dead. Of course she still thought about them but it was much easier not to.

"No, thank you." She said glad of her limited emotions.

"HOW ABOUT LISTENING TO THE NEW EPISODE OF THE ARCHERS?"

Osgood and a UNIT security guard walked past a short while later to see a Dalek and a Cyberman standing in the room. The Archers theme was apparently playing from the Dalek.

"Is it always like this here?" Asked the guard nervously. He was new.

"No sometimes it gets weird." Warned Osgood as she walked into the room.

"So how are you two getting on?" She asked.

"I think Oswin could be an asset to UNIT. She has enviably impressive capabilities." Said Kate.

"AND I AM JEALOUS BECAUSE SHE IS STILL HUMANOID AND HAS A HOT GIRLFRIEND." said Oswin.

Osgood turned to Kate.

"You do?! Who is it?!"

Kate saw Oswins lights were flashing and she realised that the Dalek was laughing.

Chapter 2: Cupcake Dalek

Chapter Text

Even for UNIT it was an odd sight. A Dalek and a Cyberman walking companionably side by side down the corridor towards the break room.

Of course they were only technically a Dalek and a Cyberman they thought of themselves as Oswin and Kate.

Oswin had a sticker on her chassis between her gun and plunger which read 'Great Skaro bake off winner' and a UNIT visitors pass taped prominently above it.

Kate had her UNIT ID on a lanyard around her neck.

They chatted as they walked.

"At least you're a classic Dalek design. Just imagine if you were one of the new design, all primary colours and plastic."

"THAT WOULD SUCK. AND YOU COULD HAVE BEEN A MONDASIAN CYBERMAN. LIKE A COLLECTION OF VINTAGE MEDICAL APPLIANCES AND CREEPY RUBBER HANDS."

"You're right we are both very lucky." Said Kate. "I'm laughing on the inside but you do need to be ready for the way people will react to you."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"

"UNIT personnel have been briefed about you but they're still going to see you as a Dalek. It's going to be a long time before they can relate to you as anything but a genocidal terror machine. I know it isn't fair but these people have fought Daleks, they've lost friends to them. It will take time before they can see beyond your shell."

"I UNDERSTAND."

"It's not their fault. I mean look how they react to me. I've known most of these people for years, worked alongside them, fought alongside them yet since I underwent conversion all they see is a cyberman. I had a relationship with these people but now all I see in their eyes is hate and fear. They can barely stand to be near me."

"I AM SORRY."

"I just want you to be prepared, it will be worse for you, they didn't know you before and Daleks are the most reviled species in the galaxy, they may never accept you."

"I AM READY."

Kate would have taken a deep breath if she could. She pushed open the break room door. Kate was scared that one of the UNIT members would attack Oswin on instinct.

There was a crowd in the break room. Conversation stopped as Oswin glided in. Kate tensed, her cyber systems provided her with several combat scenarios. She had to override the urge to deploy her cybergun. There was a weird sensation as her human instincts merged with Cyberman battle programming and she had to make herself ignore both. For a horrible moment she saw her UNIT colleagues designated as targets.

While Kate struggled with her own threat responses the actual response from the crowd was a little different to expected.

"Cupcake Dalek!!"

"IN THE HOUSE!"

"Os I loved those banana muffins!"

"NOT TOO MOIST? I'M STILL EXPERIMENTING."

"No just right."

"Got any more chocolate chip brownies?"

"THERE'S A FRESH BATCH ON THE COUNTER, TRY THE SALTED CARAMEL AS WELL."

"You're the best!"

"Hey Os, thank you so much for Trish's birthday cake, all the kids at her party are still talking about it!"

"I'M SO GLAD. IT WAS A FUN CHALLENGE GETTING THE DINOSAUR SHAPE RIGHT."

"I follow your blog, the recipes are so good!"

"THANK YOU, THIS MONTH IS WINTER SOUPS. HOPE YOU LIKE IT."

"My mom wants your Apple pie recipe. How do you get the pastry so light?"

"IT'S ALL ABOUT THE PLUNGER."

"Oswin! My daughter was so pleased with the get well cookies you made her that she did you a drawing. She drew you with a chef's hat."

"THAT'S SO CUTE. TELL KACIE I HOPE SHE FEELS BETTER SOON."

Kate stood in the doorway as the welcoming crowd swarmed around Oswin laughing, joking and patting her on the shell.

"Well that's embarrassing." Said Kate to herself.

Osgood wandered across to stand by Kate.

"They like her." Said Kate."I mean I worked with them for years, I saved many of their lives, I sacrificed my own humanity to our shared duty and they barely tolerate me but they actually like her."

"Well she makes them cakes." Said Osgood.

"Why didn't I think of that. You can't tell but I'm rolling my eyes right now."

"I can tell."

Kate recalled a UNIT social event a couple of years ago. She had made scones. Even Strax hadn't eaten them.

"Look at sergeant Keating, I saved his life from an angry Voord and he won't even talk to me but he's practically going down on her gunstick!"

"That's good isn't it?" Asked Osgood uncertainly.

"Well ..... yes .." admitted Kate. "But she's a Dalek, they barely know her, yet they accept her while I can't get anyone to even sit near me."

"I do."

"You're special."

Osgood smiled.

"It's not personal. Cybermen are just inherently scarier to humans, they have a technological zombie feel. Daleks are more comical. People just don't warm to you as much because Cybermen are so much more threatening."

"Nice try Osgood."

"You're not buying it?" Osgood put her arm around Kate. "I still like you better."

"Osgood?"

"Yes?"

"What are you eating?"

"Uh.."

"Is that a TARDIS shaped cupcake?"

"They're just so good! She really is talented." Osgood sounded apologetic.

"Et tu Osgood?" Said Kate laughing inside.

Chapter 3: The true story of the Dalek Movellan war

Chapter Text

Dalek Oswins access to the Dalek archives meant she was an incredible source of information on the history and culture of the Dalek empire.

She didn't have the best speaking voice. Indeed it was borderline painful to listen to her for extended periods. Despite this her stories always drew a crowd in the UNIT break room.

Kate had arrived late. A small group had formed pulling the mismatched couches and chairs of the breakroom around Oswin so they could listen to the Dalek.

The lights in the breakroom were low leaving the room shadowy and intimate. Many of the UNIT personnel gathered there held drinks or snacks but they remained untouched as everyone listened in fascination to Oswins harshly barked words.

Kate stood awkwardly to one side, she was too big to easily share a couch and mindful of the nervous reactions of those she sat near.

Seeing Kate enter Osgood immediately moved to stand beside her leaning against Kate's armoured bulk with a small smile on her face and a cupcake in her hand.

Oswins grating voice transported the listeners to the far away battlefields of the Dalek Movellan war as she described the brutal conflict between the Daleks and their robotic foes.

"THEY WERE EVENLY MATCHED, THEIR BATTLE COMPUTERS WERE TOO SIMILAR. NEITHER COULD GAIN ADVANTAGE NO MATTER WHAT THEY TRIED.

THEN THE MOVELLANS FORMULATED A NEW STRATEGY. ONE THEY WERE SURE THE DALEKS COULD NOT MATCH."

The small crowd of UNIT staff listened with rapt attention. Oswin projected an image of a Movellan warrior into the air. A lithe deceptively feminine figure with its distinctive ribbed white jumpsuit and silver hair.

"MOVELLAN CULTURE AND DRESS IS DERIVED FROM THE PHENOMENON OF DISCO FROM 1970S AND 1980S EARTH. THEY WERE FIRST EXPOSED TO THIS AFTER FINDING A NUMBER OF DISCO MUSIC RECORDINGS IN AN ABANDONED HUMAN MARTIAN OUTPOST...."

"Mark Watney." Whispered Osgood knowledgeably to Kate "He was lucky he didn't run into any ice warriors."

Oswin continued speaking

"...ABBA, GLORIA GAYNOR, EARTH WIND AND FIRE. IT SPOKE TO THEIR ROBOTIC SOULS. IT BECAME THE BASIS OF MOVELLAN LIFE AS THEY SPREAD THROUGHOUT THE COSMOS."

A number of the older UNIT members nodded understanding.

"DISCO MUSIC QUICKLY BECAME SO INTEGRAL TO MOVELLAN CULTURE THAT IT BECAME EMBEDDED IN THE CORE PROGRAM OF EVERY MOVELLAN WARRIOR ANDROID. THEY WERE SURE THE DALEKS HAD NO EQUIVALENT. THEY SAW THIS AS AN ADVANTAGE AND THEY CHALLENGED THE DALEKS TO A BATTLE OF THE BANDS. A MOVELLAN SUPER TROOPER UNIT AGAINST WHATEVER ACT THE DALEKS COULD FIELD."

Oswin paused to let this sink in before she continued dramatically.

"AND THIS WAS THE MOVELLAN'S FATAL ERROR. THE MOVELLAN INTELLIGENCE DIVISION WAS UNAWARE THAT DURING THEIR ATTACKS ON EARTH THE DALEKS HAD ACQUIRED A FONDNESS FOR HUMAN PROG ROCK FROM THE SAME ERA AS THE MOVELLANS OWN BELOVED DISCO MUSIC."

There were hushed gasps from the assembled UNIT members.

"THE MOVELLANS EXPECTED TO BE LARGELY UNOPPOSED IN THE BATTLE OF THE BANDS. THEY EXPECTED AN EASY VICTORY WITH THEIR MASTERY OF DISCO. INSTEAD THEY FOUND THEMSELVES FACING A CRACK DALEK PROG ROCK TRIBUTE ACT. YES, IT WAS THE GENESIS OF THE DALEKS!!!!"

It took a moment to register before the audience began to groan.

"Oswin is it possible that when you were turned into a Dalek you went entirely insane?" Asked Kate.

"LITTLE BIT." agreed Oswin her indicator lights flashing happily.

Chapter 4: Picnic of the Daleks

Chapter Text

"My old firearms instructor used to tell me to practice until the weapon felt like an extension of my arm. " Said Kate to Osgood.

Osgood looked at the short bulky cybergun extended from Kate's forearm.

"Perhaps you overdid it?" Said Osgood mildly. The fact that they could joke about it indicated a growing acceptance of Kate's condition. Osgood felt a twinge of guilt. She had been clinging to a faint illogical hope that there might be some way to reverse the cyber conversion but even that hope had all but gone now.

Osgood had accepted Kate's new form. Even rather liked it. If she was being entirely honest with herself she liked that she now had Kate to herself. Her guilt stemmed from a fear that maybe she hadn't done as much as she could.

It wasn't true, she knew that, she had called in every favour, utilised every alien technology she had access to, the Doctor herself had confirmed nothing could be done for Kate.

But Osgood didn't believe that. Regeneration, cloning, body swaps, all the technology in the universe, she was sure somewhere there was a way to fix Kate.

She hadn't talked to Kate about it. She wondered if Kate herself held out hope. Did she think Osgood had some secret project she was working on?

Osgood felt bad that she didn't, that for all practical purposes she had given up. She was even a little scared that some miracle cure might take Kate away from her.

Osgood pushed those thoughts from her mind. Today they were having fun. A weird slightly wrong UNIT kind of fun.

Shooting giant green mutated maggots in a disused tin mine.

Even the Doctor had agreed the creatures were nothing more than non sentient eating machines.

Years ago UNIT had sealed the beasts in the old mine shaft and thought they had died off but the creatures had been breeding underground. It was vital they be stopped from reaching the surface where they could devastate the environment.

Kate was happy to be back on active duty and only mildly resentful that UNIT was using its former chief as little more than a walking tank.

Speaking of tanks Oswin was with them. While Kate fired precise careful shots Oswin had a more Dalek approach.

"WHEEEEEE ..... IT'S WRONG HOW MUCH I LOVE THIS!!! EXTERMINATE!! EXTERMINATE!!"

The Dalek flew down the old mine firing wildly.

"IN A CORRIDOR BLASTING THINGS!! ITS DALEK HEAVEN!!! EXTERMINATE!!!"

Her enthusiasm was simultaneously terrifying and darkly adorable.

Kate liked Oswin's zest for life. If Kate started feeling sorry for herself she looked at Oswin. Oswin who was a Dalek of all things. Oswin who had suffered worse than Kate and yet still ...

"EXTERMINATE!!! WHEEEEEE!!!"

Oswin glided past at speed interrupting Kate's train of thought. Okay yes maybe Oswin had gone a little crazy but you couldn't deny that she seemed happy.

That night Osgood slept in the UNIT remote command centre.

"IT'S JUST A VAN WITH YOUR LAPTOP IN THE BACK." Oswin had pointed out with some justification.

"It's a command centre." Osgood insisted as she unrolled her sleeping bag.

Osgood had needed to rest. Kate and Oswin didn't. They had overlooked the fact that Osgood was human and couldn't keep up with them.

Osgood had been asleep on her feet leaning against Kate before anyone noticed. Kate had carried her back to the van with ease. Osgood felt so light and fragile in her cybernetic arms.

While Osgood climbed into her sleeping bag Kate and Oswin continued working. Technically they weren't supposed to without human supervision but UNIT had only sent Osgood with them. Kate and Oswin let Osgood sleep as they worked through the night.

In the morning Osgood climbed stiffly from the back of the van to find Kate using a bucket of soapy water and a sponge to wipe maggot slime off of Oswins Dalek chassis.

The two of them were in the open area in front of the mine entrance walled either side by hills of debris dug from the mine long ago.

Kate paused, the sponge dripped in her hand. Oswin was covered in soapy foam. Osgood stared. It felt bizarrely intimate.

"IT'S NOT A SEX THING." Squawked Oswin in her grating Dalek voice.

Osgood moved alongside Kate and picked up a sponge.

"I'll help." She said rolling up the sleeves of her khaki fleece.

They both started wiping down Oswin, one either side of the Dalek. Osgoods eyes were on Kate's impassive silver mask as their hands moved together across Oswin's bulky body.

"IT'S STARTING TO FEEL WEIRD."

"Do you want us to stop?" Asked Kate as she soaped Oswin's plunger.

"NO."

It was early but the sun was already hot. The soap bubbles glistened as they dripped down the warm metal of Oswin's shell. Kate moved behind Osgood so she was reaching around the smaller woman. Their hands touched as they smoothed the slippery lather across Oswin's armour.

Osgood pressed her body back against the unyielding wall of Kate's body. She could feel the ridges and contours of Kate's torso and thighs against her back through her fleece and cargo trousers.

"SHOULD I BE WATCHING THIS?" asked Oswin her head rotating 360°.
"ALSO YOU MISSED A BIT."

When Oswin's bronze form was sparkling clean Osgood turned to Kate. They stood face to face. Close, almost touching. Osgood held up the sponge soapy water ran down her bare forearm to the damp rolled cuff of her fleece.

"Your turn." said Osgood.

Kate let Osgood wipe the warm sponge over her silver armour lowering her head so Osgood could lather around her antennae.

"You're quite dirty as well Osgood." Said Kate. Her synthetic voice was toneless but Osgood shivered at the words.

"You can do me next." murmured Osgood as she smeared the soap across Kate's broad back.

"I'M GOING TO GO OVER THERE BEHIND THE VAN." said Oswin awkwardly.

"Mobile Command centre." Said Osgood and Kate simultaneously without looking at Oswin.

An enjoyable while later a relaxed and clean Kate and Osgood walked over to the van to see Oswin with a wicker picnic basket hanging from her plunger.

"BREAKFAST? YOU MUST BE HUNGRY AFTER ALL THAT ... CLEANING... WHICH I DEFINITELY WASN'T WATCHING."

"We should be getting back, you aren't supposed to be off base unless it's ..." Began Osgood but Kate was already rolling a red tartan blanket out on the ground and Oswin was placing a plate of homemade scones and jam alongside.

"Well I suppose we could stay a while and monitor the site.." conceded Osgood as she sat.

"It's a nice day, the site is fenced off, no public access,no one will see us." Said Kate sitting heavily beside Osgood.

"DALEK PICNICS ARE SUPERIOR!" agreed Oswin spreading fruit preserve on a scone with her plunger.

Chapter 5: Scandal of the Daleks

Chapter Text

Osgood and Kate sat in the UNIT briefing room. Dalek Oswin had informed them that she had unearthed startling new information from the Dalek archives. Information that could severely undermine the Daleks plans for conquest.

Osgood was eager for new information. Kate was less enthusiastic these days. Cyber conversion had deadened her interest somewhat but she had nothing better to do.

Oswin glided to the front of the room. She had set up a PowerPoint presentation. This had itself recently been revealed as a Dalek creation designed to destroy the morale of lesser species but today Oswin was turning the Daleks tool against them.

"THANK YOU FOR ATTENDING. I WILL GET STRAIGHT TO THE POINT. YOU MAY BE AWARE THAT IN 1976 THE DOCTORS COMPANION JOSEPHINE 'JO' GRANT POSED NAKED WITH A DALEK AND THESE IMAGES WERE PUBLISHED IN A GLAMOUR MAGAZINE."

"I have no knowledge of that, I certainly haven't seen any photos of her straddling a Dalek plunger and if I had they definitely wouldn't have fuelled any lifelong fantasies." Said Osgood blushing.

"I've been to your apartment Petronella, I've seen the signed prints on your wall." Said Kate giving Osgood a look. "And that was the first time I became aware such images existed." She added primly.

"You know after you were cyber converted we seized your laptop for security reasons. I had to check the files." Said Osgood mildly.

"Did you check .... all the files..? " asked Kate hesitantly.

"Some of them twice."

Oswins lights flashed impatiently. An image of a naked Jo Grant draped over a Dalek appeared on the display screen.

"AT THE TIME THIS CAUSED A SCANDAL AS IT WAS BELIEVED TO BE PRO DALEK PROPAGANDA INSTIGATED BY DALEK INTELLIGENCE. I HAVE UNEARTHED FOOTAGE FROM THE SKARO ARCHIVES WHICH SUGGESTS A DIFFERENT STORY."

Oswin ran the film. It was low quality black and white footage of the Dalek throne room on Skaro. A standard warrior Dalek in a slightly outdated casing rolled in obviously summoned by the bulbous supreme Dalek which stood on a dias at the end of the chamber.

"SUPREME DALEK HOW MAY I SERVE?"

"EXPLAIN! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS??!"

The supreme Dalek held in it's plunger a copy of Girl Illustrated's 1976 edition featuring the very naked Jo Grant pressed against a Dalek.

"I WAS YOUNG! I NEEDED THE MONEY!"

"SHE IS A COMPANION OF THE DOCTOR!!" screeched the Supreme Dalek. "THE DOCTOR!! ASSOCIATING WITH THE DOCTORS COMPANION IS A BETRAYAL OF THE DALEKS!! YOU ARE A TRAITOR TO DALEK KIND!!!....AND A HUSSY!!"

"I REGRET NOTHING!!"

"IS THAT LIPSTICK ON YOUR CASING?!!"

"I AM NEVER WASHING AGAIN."

"DID YOU AT LEAST EXTERMINATE HER AFTERWARDS?"

"I ASKED. SHE TURNED ME DOWN."

"THAT WAS NOT A EUPHEMISM. DALEKS DO NOT USE EUPHEMISMS!!"

"HAVE YOU SUMMONED ME HERE TO BE EXTERMINATED?" asked the Dalek it's lights flashing nervously.

"THAT DEPENDS. CAN YOU GET ME JO GRANTS PHONE NUMBER?"

The film ended.

"I'm really not sure how to respond to that." Said Kate.

"IT PROVES JO GRANT WAS NOT COLLABORATING WITH THE DALEKS." said Oswin.

"We can bring her back into UNIT." Said Osgood thoughtfully. "Maybe run a honeytrap operation on the Supreme Dalek."

"THE SCANDAL COULD BRING DOWN DALEK COMMAND!!"

Chapter 6: Foreshadowing of the Cybermen

Chapter Text

Some time ago and a long way from UNIT HQ.....

The Cyberman dragged itself from the wreckage of the Master's base. The Cyberman was badly damaged, one antennae torn away and one leg barely functional. It was drenched in it's own spilled hydraulic fluid which dripped from the cracks in it's shattered armour.

The stricken Cyberman staggered to a nearby pile of rubble and sat down heavily.

It ran a systems check and attempted to scan the local area for other Cybermen.

It was alone, critically damaged and worst of all it had the lyrics of Boney-M's 'Rasputin' stuck in its head.

The sound of falling debris accompanied the sight of a battered Dalek emerging awkwardly from the ruins.

The Dalek was in the same wrecked condition as the Cyberman. It moved in a stuttering stop start motion, one of it's lights was smashed, several sensor domes were missing and it's gun stick was bent at an angle.

The Dalek and Cyberman saw each other at the same time.

The Cyberman raised its arm and tried to extend it's gun. The weapon jammed. The Cyberman slapped it's forearm trying to free the mechanism.

"EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!" rasped the Dalek.

Nothing happened.

"EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!"

Still nothing. The Daleks eyestalk lowered peering at its mangled weapon. Somehow the Dalek radiated a sense of embarrassment.

"MY WEAPON IS NON FUNCTIONING. THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE!"

The Cyberman was frantically trying to free it's jammed gun which was stubbornly staying retracted.

The Dalek charged weaving unsteadily.

"What are you doing?" Asked the Cyberman.

"I WILL EXTERMINATE YOU WITH MY MANIPULATOR ARM!!"

"It's a plunger and everyone knows it." Sneered the Cyberman as it tried to lever it's gun into the ready position.

The Dalek gestured violently with it's manipulator arm. The limb fell off.

"sh*t."

The Dalek glided to a stop.

"WOULD YOU MIND PICKING THAT UP FOR ME?"

The Cyberman gave up trying to fix it's gun and sat back down.

"You are in worse condition than me. It proves that Cybermen are superior."

"DALEK'S ARE SUPERIOR! CYBERMEN ARE PRIMITIVE SURGERY ADDICTED IMITATIONS!!"

"Your arm just fell off."

"YOU CAN BARELY STAND AND YOU ARE LEAKING HYDRAULIC FLUID OR PERHAPS YOU ARE JUST SCARED?"

"Cybermen do not feel fear. I only feel embarrassed for you."

"EVEN A DAMAGED DALEK CAN DEFEAT THE CYBERMEN!! DALEKS WILL PREVAIL!! THERE IS NOTHING CYBERMEN CAN DO THAT DALEKS CANNOT DO BETTER!!"

"Try clapping."

"BITCH!"

"Pepperpot!"

"HANDLEHEAD!"

The Dalek strained to fire it's weapon. With a strangled flare of energy the bent gun stick exploded downward and the Dalek shot itself in the bumper.

"Cybermen do not feel emotion but if we did I would be laughing at you now."

"SHUT UP!!"

The Daleks eyestalk and broken gun stick drooped in defeat.

The Cyberman got up and limped over to pick up the Daleks manipulator arm. It plugged it back into place.

"I DO NOT NEED YOUR PITY!! I WILL STILL EXTERMINATE YOU!!"

The Daleks gun fizzled weakly.

"...LATER..."

"We were allies together with the Master."

"AND LOOK HOW WELL THAT WORKED OUT."

"I preferred Missy, I almost took over the Earth with her once you know."

The Dalek weaved closer and pulled up alongside the Cyberman with a whine of damaged antigravs.

"TRUCE? UNTIL I SELF REPAIR. THEN I WILL EXTERMINATE YOU."

"Unless I delete you first."

"I THOUGHT CYBERMEN DIDN'T DREAM."

There was a long pause

"I MET MISSY ON SKARO BACK IN THE DAY. SHE STABBED ME IN THE EYESTALK WITH A POINTY STICK. YOU HAVE TO RESPECT THAT."

"Classic Missy."

"I STILL HAVE THE STICK."

"Missy was the right amount of crazy. In retrospect the Master was far too much crazy."

"WHEN HE STARTED PLAYING BONEY-M I KNEW WE WERE IN TROUBLE."

"Disco music always a red flag in an evil mastermind. I wish I had walked out then."

"DON'T BLAME YOURSELF I KNEW IT WAS A BAD IDEA TO GET INVOLVED WITH A PLAN TO DRILL INTO THE EARTHS CORE. THOSE NEVER END WELL. I SHOULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING."

"The cyberleader wouldn't have listened."

"NEITHER WOULD THE DALEK SUPREME!"

"Management have no idea what it's like on the ground."

"THEY ARE NEVER THE ONES GETTING THEIR DOMES SMASHED IN BY A MANIAC WITH A SUPER POWERED BASEBALL BAT."

"Or blasted with a high velocity slingshot."

"YOU MET ACE AS WELL?"

"Yes. I took a gold coin to the respirator. It still aches when it's cold but it's hard not to admire a woman who carries high explosive in her thermos flask."

"AT LEAST THE DOCTOR AND THEIR COMPANIONS ARE DOWN HERE GETTING THEIR HANDS DIRTY. NOT LIKE THE DALEK SUPREME SAFE IN HIS THRONE ROOM WHILE WE ARE BUMPS DEEP IN MAGMA AND NITRO 999."

"The cyber leader is the same. It's all delete this, upgrade that like it's easy but it's us that have to actually do all the deleting and upgrading."

They sat together a while contemplating the smouldering wreckage of the Master's plan.

"SO ARE YOU REJOINING WHAT'S LEFT OF THE CYBER ARMADA?"

"Are you heading back to the Dalek fleet?"

"I SHOULD.... BUT I DON'T WANT TO."

"Me neither." the cyberman said it without thinking. It realised it's emotional regulator was damaged.

"HAVE YOU .... "

The Dalek trailed off.

"What?"

"DID YOU EVER JUST WAKE UP ONE DAY AND NOT WANT TO EXTERMINATE THINGS ANYMORE?"

"I don't sleep and maybe it's the damage talking but I know exactly what you mean."

"WE DON'T HAVE TO GO BACK."

"But what else would we do?"

"DALEKS ARE THE SUPERIOR SPECIES OF THE UNIVERSE AND CYBERMAN ARE PROBABLY IN THE TOP TEN."

"Probably?"

"WELL TOP FIFTY MAYBE. WE CAN DISCUSS THAT. MY POINT IS SURELY TOGETHER WE CAN THINK OF SOMETHING BETTER TO DO THAN DRILL HOLES IN THE PLANET."

"Together?"

"CLEARLY I WOULD BE IN CHARGE. DALEKS ARE...." the Dalek hesitated "OPEN TO AN EQUAL PARTNERSHIP."

The Cyberman sagged sideways against the bulk of the Dalek.

"We should find cover before the human forces arrive." The Cyberman's voice slurred slightly.

"DALEKS DO NOT HIDE!" The Dalek considered this for a moment as it reviewed it's damage. "BUT WE .... I ..CAN LEARN."

"I am impaired. I cannot walk."

"CYBERMEN ARE INFERIOR. I SHOULD LEAVE YOU."

The Dalek reversed against the Cyberman.

"What are you doing?"

"GIVING YOU A RIDE. GRAB ON BUT KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF MY SENSOR DOMES."

The Dalek trundled slowly down the cliff it's damaged antigrav motor straining with the added weight of the Cyberman clinging to its back.

"This is humiliating."

"YOU ARE A CYBERMAN YOU MUST BE USED TO HUMILIATION."

"Where are we going?"

"FORWARDS?"

Chapter 7: Emotional support Dalek aka Girls Night of the Cybermen: the directors cut

Chapter Text

Osgood and Kate were walking back from the UNIT briefing room. Osgood had to take two or three steps to keep up with Kate. Kate tried to slow down or shorten her stride but when she didn't concentrate her body reverted to the tireless ground eating fast march of a cyberman.

Kate had been giving new recruits a lecture on Cyberman tactics.

She was uniquely qualified for the role since undergoing cyber conversion. It was an obvious use of her new abilities and knowledge. The first hand information she could provide might well save the lives of those recruits.

The training she supplied was valuable and popular. Kate was hugely grateful to be useful after so long as little more than a quarantined patient and yet....

And yet it made her uneasy. Her cyber brain logged and compartmentalised that feeling without effort but she could not deny it's existence.

She didn't like giving those lectures. It irritated her that she couldn't understand why not.

She was still required to attend mandatory therapy sessions. She had her therapist thoroughly terrified of her and spent the therapy time watching episodes of 'Poirot' on the therapists laptop. Although once in a moment of weakness she had told her therapist her feelings about the lectures.

Kate's therapist had said that the reason she didn't like lecturing about Cybermen was because it made her confront the fact she was a Cyberman.

Kate had pointed out that this was an idiotic theory. Her sensory inputs, her entire body, it was all changed as a consequence of cyber conversion. Every moment of existence reminded her she was a Cyberman. It wasn't as if she forget until she reviewed her lecture notes.

"Oh wait! That explains this silver complexion and these things sticking out of my head and my ability to crush a human skull with almost no effort."

She included that last part just to watch her therapists expression. She knew it was a little mean of her but really it was his fault for not specialising in a proper science.

Kate had a suspicion as to the real cause of her discomfort with lecturing. It was rather more disturbing. It felt like a betrayal. A betrayal of the Cybermen.

She hadn't told anyone that. Not even Osgood.

She tried not to think about that. She thought instead about the aspect of the lectures she did enjoy:

The practical demonstration of close quarters combat with a Cyberman.

The only lesson there was very simple: don't do it.

Just don't.

Better to learn that with Kate who, unlike a hostile Cyberman, wouldn't actually kill or convert the recruits.

Kate enjoyed being able to throw special forces commandoes around the room.

Weirdly it brought her closer to the recruits. There was a kind a macho cachet in being able to say you had attempted to punch a Cyberman. Kate was good about it, she helped carry them to sick bay afterwards.

She also didn't mind sharing anecdotes from the cyber archive with Osgood:

"The whole gold thing is a scam. Cybermen weren't ever really vulnerable to it we just spread the rumour so that our enemies throw gold at us. It funds most of our operations." Said Kate confidently.

"Now that is clever. I always wondered why lead or other dense metals wouldn't work just as well." Said Osgood wonderingly.

"Osgood I'm teasing you."

"Kate ... ummm ... you do know you said 'our' operations?"

Kate hadn't realised that but she covered quickly.

"Slip of the tongue. Quite an achievement given that I don't have a tongue." She joked but she was a little disturbed by that slip. She told herself it was just a consequence of accessing the cyber archive in her brain.

They reached the breakroom. Usually quiet at this time but it wasn't today.

Osgood flinched at the distinctive sound of Dalek weapons fire coming from inside the UNIT breakroom. Kate instinctively extended her cybergun.

The blaster fire was quickly followed by Oswin's grating voice.

"I TOLD YOU TO PUT DOWN MY COOKING CHOCOLATE STRAX!!"

Osgood and Kate relaxed and exchanged a look.

"Let's not go in there just yet." Suggested Kate as her weapon slid back into her forearm.

Osgood
nodded agreement.

"Probably wise. Anyway there is someone I wanted you to meet, Bill Potts." Said Osgood "She's due to visit HQ today and ...."

Osgood stopped talking. An attractive young woman had just strolled around the corner toward them. From her khakis to her stonewashed denim jacket she looked more like a student that a UNIT recruit. Yet there was some indefinable quality about her that said 'companion of the Doctor.'

Maybe it was her air of alert intelligent curiosity. Maybe it was the running shoes.

Kate knew who Bill Potts was. UNIT had files on all known companions of the Doctor. Osgood had made up a set of fact cards which recruits tended to use for card games during slow periods.

"Kate you should know...." began Osgood urgently but she was interrupted.

A look of utter horror had crossed Bills face.

"Cyberman!" She shouted and she disappeared leaving an oily puddle on the carpet.

"Well that's new. I've never made anyone melt into a puddle before." Said Kate peering down into the glutinous pool.

"I think you know that's not true." Osgood couldn't help smiling as she took Kate's armoured hand in hers. Kate's blank face turned to her and Osgood could feel her smiling back even if she couldn't see it.

Osgood leaned over the puddle and shouted down.

"It's okay Bill this is Kate, she's a friend."

"She lives in a puddle?" Questioned Kate as she moved beside Osgood. They both stared down into the puddle.

"It's a lifestyle choice." Said Bill reappearing "My girlfriend is an interspatial fluidic drive creature."

"Its okay, we believe you, I used to tell people I had a girlfriend in Canada." Said Osgood.

Bill looked nervously at Kate.

"So you got converted?"

"Is it obvious? I thought I hid it well." Said Kate inclining her heavy silver head.

"Oy, no need for sarcasm, I've been where you are." Replied Bill. "Got converted, full cyber surgery, creepy rubber hands, the works, completely non elective." She shuddered at the memory.

Kate stared.

"You got over it." She said finally.

"My girlfriend rescued me, she turned me into a creature like her but I ..." Bill trailed off. Osgood was looking stricken. Kate was immobile. An armoured silver giant.

"Oh ... I'm sorry she can't ..... I mean is that why you asked me here? Because the only reason she could save me is that we were already bonded before I was converted. She can't ..... I'm sorry."

Bill looked embarrassed.

"I'm really sorry." She repeated awkwardly. "I know how awful it is, how it feels."

Osgood cringed.

"No. That's not why we invited you. Kate I'm sorry. I was going to brief you before you met. I knew Bills history. I'm so sorry I didn't mean to make you think ...."

Kate shook her head. She was learning to use bigger body language gestures to compensate for her lack of expression.

At that moment she was glad of her lack of expression.

"It's okay. I wasn't thinking you had a magic wand. Anyway it's not all bad. I like the strength, I like being able to reach high shelves."

"Don't. Don't laugh it off." Said Bill softly "I know."

Kate looked from Bill to Osgood. Osgood took a step back.

"I'll let you two talk. I should go make sure Oswin hasn't exterminated anyone."

Osgood hurried rapidly away.

"Oswin?" Asked Bill.

"She got turned into a Dalek."

"Now that really would suck."

"We were lucky."

"You don't have to pretend with me." Said Bill "I still have nightmares."

"I don't."

"The not sleeping? The trying to remember what you should feel? The phantom limb syndrome turned up to eleven? That trapped claustrophobic sensation?"

"Yes."

"But your girlfriend stuck with you. That's commitment. She must really love you."

"Girlfriend?"

"Cute, geeky, glasses, bowtie?"

"Osgood?"

"Don't pretend she's not. Or does UNIT do the whole 'dont ask don't tell' thing?"

"No."

"I saw the way she looked at you."

"I am too old and too robotic to have a girlfriend." Said Kate with a laugh that her synthetic voice couldn't express.

"Well she's clearly into you. How long have you been together?"

"We've worked together for years but we only became .... more .... after ..." Kate indicated her cybernetic body.

"Really?" Bill looked impressed "So she's a bit kinky? Always the quiet ones."

"You're dating a sentient puddle."

"A really hot puddle. No that sounds wrong. Her name is Heather."

"I was hoping she'd be called Pauline."

Bill laughed weakly.

There was an awkward pause. Kate realised Bill was standing as far away from her as she politely could.

"I'm not going to hurt you Bill." Said Kate as gently as her voice allowed.

"I know. It's just hard to forget what you are, what you could do, I'm sorry. I know that's totally unfair."

"I'm used to it and you have more reason than most." Said Kate. It was clear Bill wanted to get away from her. She was almost backed up against the wall.

"Why don't I introduce you to Oswin? She makes me look cuddly. She's an excellent baker though. Do you eat?'

"I can." Said Bill relieved as they started to walk.

"Well you can tell me if her cupcakes are as good as people claim."

Several cupcakes later.....

Osgood was taking Strax to sickbay to be treated for chocolate intoxication.

Bill went with her ostensibly to help but more honestly to get away from Kate. Bill had been polite and friendly but there was no hiding how hard she found it to be near a Cyberman.

Oswin glided over to where Kate stood.

"BILL SEEMS NICE. HER GIRLFRIEND IS A PUDDLE."

"Yes."

"SHE USED TO BE A CYBERMAN."

"So I heard."

"YOU THOUGHT SHE MIGHT BE ABLE TO FIX YOU?"

"Just for a second. It felt longer."

"NEITHER OF US CAN THINK LIKE THAT. IT HURTS TOO MUCH. THIS IS US NOW."

"I know."

"DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR YOURSELF OR I'LL PLAY THE ' AT LEAST YOU'RE STILL HUMANOID' CARD AGAIN."

"I do get it."

"AND YOU GET TO DO FUN THINGS WITH OSGOOD, THE CLOSEST I GET TO A SEX LIFE IS RUBBING MY PLEASURE RECEPTORS AGAINST THE INSIDE OF MY CASING."

"Please don't tell me things like that."

Oswin didn't respond.

"You're doing it right now aren't you?"

"YOU HAVE NO WAY OF KNOWING."

"Your plunger is twitching. It's disturbing to watch."

"WELL I HAVE A PLAN THAT WILL CHEER US BOTH UP. THANKS TO OUR SONTARON BOURNEVILLE JUNKIE I NEED TO GO AND GET MORE COOKING CHOCOLATE."

"I thought you ordered supplies online?"

"I DO BUT WE DESERVE A ROAD TRIP. GIRLS NIGHT OUT!!"

Kate looked at the Dalek unconvinced.

"I won't deny I'd like to get out of UNIT HQ for a night but we've been ordered to stay here." She said. She was nervous at the thought of leaving the base.

That surprised her. Kate, the old Kate, wouldn't have been worried about breaking a few rules. She had made the rules. It took her a moment to identify the source of her fears. She had family out there. If she was allowed to leave the base what was to stop her checking in on them? That thought made the emotional limiters in her cyber brain ache.

Her family thought she was dead. It was easier all around. She let her cyber brain compartmentalise.

"AFTER WHAT WE'VE BOTH BEEN THROUGH DO WE CARE ABOUT RULES?"

On the other hand (plunger?) Oswin made a good point Kate thought.

"Even if I agreed how would it work? Neither of us is inconspicuous."

"I HAVE A PLAN. IT IS A MASTER PLAN!!!!"

Oswin glided across the room and returned with a Kerblam delivery box.

"OPEN IT AND MARVEL AT THE GENIUS OF THE DALEKS!!!" she urged. "BUT DON'T TOUCH THE BUBBLE WRAP."

"Why not? I thought they got rid of all the explosive material?"

"THEY DID, THAT'S NORMAL BUBBLE WRAP. I JUST WANT TO POP IT LATER."

Kate opened the box. It was indeed a type of genius.

Perhaps not the best type but Kate had to admit the plan might work.

The box contained two fancy dress costumes. The first was a green fabric dragon creature costume of the type to be worn by two people like a glorified pantomime horse. It could conceivably be draped over Oswin's bulky Dalek form.

"ITS A MYRKA COSTUME." said Oswin proudly.

"It's not very convincing." Complained Kate "It looks nothing like a real Myrka."

"IT DOESN'T HAVE TO. IT JUST HAS TO HIDE THE FACT I AM A DALEK. I AM A DALEK!! SORRY."

The second costume was a large and poorly made knights outfit, with a tabard and silver painted cardboard helmet. With a little modification it could conceivably fit over Kate's head. The knights costume didn't cover much but Kate's own silver armour would fill in the blanks.

The final items in the box were the real genius.

Two bright pink XXXXL T shirts with "River Song hen party on tour." Printed on the front. There were a couple of neon pink feather boas in there as well.

"NO ONE WILL WANT TO GET TOO CLOSE TO A COUPLE OF DRUNKS ON A HEN PARTY IN CASE WE VOMIT ON THEM. IT IS THE PERFECT DISGUISE."

Kate had to agree it might work. If she saw a couple of idiots walking around at night in fancy dress and hen party T shirts she wouldn't want to get close enough to give them a second look.

"Even though neither of us can drink or vomit I admit your plan has merit."

"I CAN VOMIT."

"Really?"

"IT'S EXTREMELY UNPLEASANT."

"I can imagine."

"YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THAT INSIDE A DALEK."

"Yes."

"DOESN'T MATTER HOW LONG YOU SPEND MOPPING OUT. YOU NEVER GET RID OF THE SMELL. I'VE GOT THREE SKARO DESERT WASTELAND SCENT AIR FRESHENERS AND HALF A BOTTLE OF SHALIMAR IN HERE BUT I CAN STILL SMELL IT."

"Okay."

"I MISS THE NEW CASING SMELL."

"What do you suggest we actually do on this night out? Other than purchase cooking supplies? We don't eat or drink." said Kate eager to change the subject.

"JUST GO OUT! ENJOY THE FRESH AIR ON OUR ARMOUR! WE COULD INVITE OSGOOD. HER SOCIAL LIFE IS WORSE THAN OURS!"

"That's not .... okay maybe..." Said Osgood as she walked back in.

"Kate, are you alright? I didn't mean to spring Bill on you like that. I was going to explain."

"It's fine Osgood. Oswin was just suggesting we take a trip out."

"I'M HER EMOTIONAL SUPPORT DALEK."

"If it's not a security problem?" Said Kate.

Osgood was looking very nervous. More nervous than usual.

"I'VE GOT DISGUISES." said Oswin gesturing with her gunstick at the boxes.

"Fancy dress disguises?"

"YES. A KNIGHT AND A MYRKA COSTUME."

"Daleks and Cybermen have invaded earth several times. You realise they're known to the public? They've been on TV, newspapers, they're all over the internet."

"SO?"

"Well if your disguise is fancy dress why not just go as a Dalek and a Cyberman?"

"I DIDN'T THINK OF THAT. CAN I BE THE CYBERMAN?"

Osgood turned anxiously to Kate.

"Will you come with me for a moment?' asked Osgood her voice tight with nerves. Before Kate could respond Osgood walked out.

Confused Kate followed Osgood. The woman didn't speak until they reached the UNIT firing range in the basem*nt. It was currently empty.

"Deploy your weapon please." Said Osgood.

"Why?"

"Please Kate."

Puzzled Kate let her cybergun emerge from her forearm.

"Now aim it at me." Said Osgood.

"Osgood I am not doing that." Protested Kate.

"Please."

"No! What is this about?"

Osgood looked miserable.

"Kate I have to tell you something that is going to make you really angry at me. You might want to kill me and if you do I just want it to be over quickly."

"Osgood, don't be ridiculous. You know I could never get that angry with you."

"Because of what the Cybermen did to you? Because you don't feel things as strongly now?"

"No Petronella, in your case it's quite the opposite." Kate retracted her weapon and gently ran her thick alloy fingers down the side of Osgoods trembling face.

"Just tell me Osgood. If it makes you feel any better I can easily break your neck with one hand."

"Oh, good..."

"I'm joking Osgood. I mean I could but I've no intention of hurting you. Just tell me."

Osgood took a breathe.

"Your family don't think you're dead. I lied to you."

"What?!"

"I heard you talking to Oswin. I thought you must be thinking of checking in on your family. I'm surprised you haven't already. And then you'd see."

Osgood was trembling with nerves.

"See what?"

"Your Zygon double."

"Osgood I am very fond of you and I'm not going to hurt you but I am going to need more information right now."

Kate's voice was toneless. Full Cyberman. For once she didn't fight it.

Osgood looked ill with nerves. Kate concentrated on Osgood overriding the temptation to let her cyber sub routines take over. She gently hugged Osgood to her armoured chest.

Eventually Osgood spoke.

"After you .... after we found you ... the state you were in we didn't know if you would be viable. You know I let the conversion process run to keep you .... to keep you here?"

"I know Osgood." This time Kate tried to put emotion into her voice but it sounded the same.

"We didn't know if you would be a full Cyberman, we didn't know what you would be. I made the decision not to tell your family until we knew. I asked your double to cover for you. It was just supposed to be temporary. I thought .... I thought we might be able to ... to restore you somehow ..."

"Why tell me they thought I was dead?"

"I didn't want to give you false hope. I wanted to try everything but I tried everything. I failed."

"So my family think I'm ... ? What?"

"They think you took early retirement after a line of duty injury. It was supposed to be temporary. Just a placeholder until I could fix you."

"But you can't?"

"No."

"Is she looking after my garden?"

"Yes. "

"You're in touch with her?"

"Yes."

"But you're not ... intimate?"

"No!! She's not you Kate, she's just copying you."

Kate was surprised how calm she felt. How easy it was to see past the emotion.

Then it hit her. It was easy for her. Easier at least. She was a cyberman now. Her emotions didn't go all the way up to the top anymore. She realised Osgood had no such protection. She had been living with her decision the same as she had with her decision to save Kate when she had found her ruined body in the cyber factory.

"Osgood." Said Kate as softly as she could. Osgood tensed closing her eyes tight.

"Make it quick please."

Kate pressed her cold armoured face to Osgoods damp cheek.

"This is me trying to kiss you Osgood."

"Oh thank god, I thought you were going to head butt me to death."

"You've been working so hard to look after me. You saved my life, you protected me, you protected my family. You didn't give up."

"I did. I failed."

"Osgood you did everything, everything anyone could. I mean you even arranged a spare me. How does she feel about this anyway?"

"She seems to like being you."

"Is she claiming my pension?"

"Ummm..."

"And none of my family noticed?"

"Well she has your memories and mannerisms. She has all your psychic imprint from before you were .... you know..."

"She's more me than I am isn't she?" Said Kate marvelling at the realisation.

"No! You're you. She's just .... past you ..." Osgood trailed off. "Yes." She admitted.

"Can I meet her?"

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Said Osgood quietly.

"No but how can I not?"

Kate felt her cyber brain catalogue the information and partition it off. It was there and she could review it when she wanted. She could ignore it as well.

"Kate?"

Kate realised she'd been standing silently for a few minutes.

"Kate? Are you still there?"

"Relax Petronella I'm fine. My family are happy. My garden is being looked after. I'm grateful."

"And she bettered your wordle score."

"I may have to kill the bitch."

Osgood looked alarmed.

"Joke, Osgood. Why don't we table this. Oswin has a night out planned. My double can wait."

"You can just do that now can't you? Just choose not to think about it?" Said Osgood.

"Is that a bad thing?"
Kate knew it wasn't a bad thing but she knew it wasn't a human thing either. She didn't care. She didn't want to think about it.

"Let's go see what Oswin has planned."

They returned to the breakroom. Osgood was both relieved and considering new worries as she contemplated Kate's reaction.

"I'VE FOUND A THEME BAR! THE STAFF DRESS AS DALEKS AND CYBERMEN! THEY ENCOURAGE PEOPLE TO GO IN COSTUME! IT'S PERFECT FOR US!" said Oswin as they walked in.

"Sounds good." Said Kate "We still have to get your cooking chocolate though."

"YES I CAN'T DECIDE WHETHER TO GET DARK OR MILK. WHAT DO YOU THINK?"

Kate looked at the preoccupied Osgood.

"Osgood? I'm going dark."

Chapter 8: They call me ... MR OCTOPUS

Chapter Text

After they dragged themselves from the wreckage of the Masters base the Dalek and Cyberman had made their way slowly and erratically through the decades that followed.

They both healed the damage they had taken although the Cyberman's emotional limiter never quite recovered.

They stayed together for reasons neither would admit to or wanted to think about, bonded by shared experiences and mutual hatred.

Over the years they took on many roles as they tried to adjust to life away from the ruthless objectives of their species.

They rarely stayed in one place long instead they chose to walk the earth in search of a purpose.

Initially they were unwilling to acknowledge it but they came to seek meaning in their lives by following the example of the one who had so often been a mutual foe: The Doctor.

Their success in this was varied.

A book lined drawing room in a chateau just outside Paris. A group of disparate characters have been summoned by the mysterious detectives. They sit or stand nervously amidst the dark wood panelling and opulent leather furniture. Outside a storm rages.

The bizarre pair of detectives address the small group.

"THANK YOU FOR ATTENDING. WE HAVE GATHERED YOU HERE THIS EVENING BECAUSE I CAN REVEAL THAT ONE OF YOU IS IN FACT THE MURDERER WHO HAS SO FAR EVADED THE AUTHORITIES." grated the Dalek.

"But no longer. For tonight justice will be served." Added the Cyberman.

Colonel Mustard rose from his seat in shock as a nervous ripple passed through the assembled suspects.

"You mean to say you know who the murderer is?!" He demanded.

"NOT EXACTLY." admitted the Dalek.

"It's definitely someone in this room." Said the Cyberman.

"And you intend to expose them?" Purred Miss Scarlet. Her bright red lips pursed into a seductive smile as she sashayed across the room draping a gloved hand on the Daleks shell.

"Yes, tell us how you worked it out. I'm sure we're all dying to know." Said Professor Plum sarcastically as he poured himself another sherry from the decanter.

"ACTUALLY WE COULDN'T NARROW IT DOWN."

"Bit embarrassing really. We're new to being detectives." Confessed the Cyberman.

"BUT ITS DEFINITELY ONE OF YOU."

"Then why are we here? What is the meaning of this farce?" Snapped Dr Orchid.

"WE WANTED TO BE SURE WE GOT THE MURDERER. EXTERMINATE!!! EXTERMINATE!!!"

Outside in the hallway the butler heard the sound of repeated Dalek and Cybergun fire. He would have a lot of cleaning to do.

"I THINK THAT WENT WELL." said the Dalek as they left.

"I am not sure it is how the Doctor would have handled it." Said the Cyberman.

"WELL SHE HAS A SONIC SCREWDRIVER, A TARDIS AND AN UNFEASIBLY ATTRACTIVE COMPANION. WE DON'T."

"I assumed you were the companion."

"I AM CLEARLY THE DOCTOR IN THIS SCENARIO."

"I see you more as a Mel type."

"YOU WOULD BE A PERI."

The Cyberman considered this and nodded.

"I am such a Peri."

Their adventures continued spanning years and continents. Not always on the right side of the law.

The Cyberman ducked behind the dusty barricade as a fusillade of shots pelted them.

"LOOKS LIKE THE WHOLE DAMN BOLIVIAN ARMY OUT THERE." said the Dalek peeking it's eyestalk out.

The Cyberman checked it's weapon.

"Good, then they're in trouble."

Together the Dalek and the Cyberman leapt out around their inadequate cover firing wildly.

Years later a sepia tinted photograph taken at that exact moment made its way to the UNIT archives.

Although the Dalek and the Cyberman didn't always follow human laws they did their best to emulate the Doctors moral stance. Kind of ..... In their own way ....

The Dalek and the Cyberman forced their way into the luxurious penthouse of the cruel property developer. He stared at them from his desk pressing the silent alarm to summon security.

"YOU WILL CEASE TRYING TO FORCE THE WIDOW AND ORPHANS FROM THEIR FARM!" demanded the Dalek.

"I admit to no such action. Anyway who the hell are you?" Said the man. Despite the unexpected entrance and strange appearance of the pair he remained supremely confident in his wealth and power.

"THEY CALL ME ...... MR OCTOPUS."

"Mr Octopus?" the land baron laughed contemptuously. "And what about your silver friend with the funny hat?"

The Cyberman lifted the man from his chair one handed pinning him against the window. The Cyberman pressed it's metal face close to the man's and growled.

"I'm Cyberman!"

"I don't care what circus you freaks escaped from, you've got nothing on me, my lawyers will..."

Glass shattered. Shortly after there was a damp impact. The Dalek rolled forwards and peered down through the broken eighteenth floor window.

"I'M CYBERMAN? REALLY? YOU HAVE BEEN WATCHING TOO MUCH HUMAN ENTERTAINMENT. ALSO I DON'T THINK THE DOCTOR WOULD HAVE THROWN HIM THROUGH THE WINDOW LIKE THAT."

"At least you didn't shout 'EXTERMINATE' this time."

"I FEEL LIKE WE ARE GROWING AS PEOPLE."

The Dalek and Cyberman also learned to take time out for themselves.

Brad broke into the swimming pool. It was late at night. His girlfriend Angie was with him.

"But Brad we haven't got our costumes." She protested giggling.

"Don't worry honey we can skinny dip, no one is gonna see us."

"Oh Brad..."

Inside the pool was dark, lit only by moonlight through the windows above. It gave the expanse of chlorinated water a shadowy sinister feel.

Neither Brad nor Angie paid much attention as they stripped off excitedly. Brad dived into the pool. Angie slid in more sedately.

"Come here sweetie." Urged Brad. Angie laughed as she splashed him. Then she paused.

"Brad! Something just touched my leg! I think there's something in here!"

"Don't be stupid, it's a pool what would be..."

Brad looked up and saw the Cyberman sitting on the poolside its feet dangling in the water. Beside the Cyberman was the Dalek casing. The casing was open.

"Brad there's an octopus in here!!!" Shrieked Angie in horror.

"I GET THAT A LOT." Said the Dalek as it surfaced beside Brad.

"Aaahhh!!"

"RELAX THE POOL IS BIG ENOUGH FOR ALL OF US."

Brad and Angie scrambled out of the pool and ran for the exit not caring they were naked.

"We should probably leave." Said the Cyberman.

"YES." the Dalek sighed. "PASS ME MY TOWEL WILL YOU AND NO PEEKING."

"What would I peek at?"

"I'M NAKED HERE."

"I'll try to control myself."

The Dalek and Cyberman had found it hard to adjust to life without the guidance and control of the Dalek Supreme and the Cyber leader but they began enjoying their new freedom as they meandered leisurely from one town to the next taking the time to enjoy the beauty of the surrounding country.

The Dalek glided over the hill across a sun drenched meadow of wildflowers the Cyberman walking beside it. A butterfly landed on the Cybermans antenna.

"MAYBE TOMORROW I'LL WANNA SETTLE DOWN. UNTIL TOMORROW I'LL JUST KEEP MOVING ON. DOWN THIS ROAD....."

"Are you singing?" asked the Cyberman.

"DALEKS DO NOT ..... YES.. IT'S ALLOWED."

"I'm not sure it should be."

They drew to a halt at the banks of an isolated lake. The idyllic length of sun dappled water stretched out in front of them.

"Maybe we should settle down somewhere? Just for a while. Maybe start our own business? Try something new?"

"WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?"

Chapter 9: The Osgood hangover

Chapter Text

Osgood woke up sprawled face down across the broad silver chest of a cyberman. She was naked except for her brown wool hiking socks.

Waking up with a cyberman would have been disturbing to most people but was only suprising to Osgood because she didn't usually fall asleep on Kate.

It wasn't easy to sleep naked on a Cyberman not that many had tried. Cybermen really weren't built for snuggling. The ridges of the armour tended to dig in.

Osgood actually quite liked the contrasting sensation of Kate's armour against her own soft flesh but she had to admit it wasn't condusive to sleep.

Those occasions when she had fallen asleep atop Kate had been when she was especially exhausted, often for quite pleasant reasons.

She didn't feel pleasant at that moment.

Right now she felt the unaccustomed pain of a hangover. Her head felt tight and hot, her bare flesh was glued to the cyberman with dried sweat and she was both nauseous and desperately thirsty.

She lifted her aching head from where she had drooled onto the cybermans shoulder in her sleep. She could see she was back in her own apartment but she couldn't remember how she'd got there.

At first she couldn't remember much at all about last night. She forced the memories to the surface of her aching dehydrated brain.

They had gone to the theme bar that Oswin had found. The Plungers Rest Bar and Grill.

Oswin seemed to have some kind of cult following there. She insisted she had never been to the bar before but more than one patron greeted her with a cry of 'Cupcake Dalek!"

The bar itself was uninviting. It was located in a poorly lit former roller rink site. Osgood recalled the uneven stained wooden floor with ramps everywhere. The walls were decorated with yellowing roller derby posters from the venue's previous existence. More recently someone had added prints of 1950's monster movies and, oddly, what seemed to be framed childish drawings of octopuses. Those drawings were in crayon or coloured pencil and looked like they should be held on some proud parents refrigerator with magnets.

The bar had been cold with a smell of old sweat and stale beer ingrained into the walls and floor.

From outside the building looked derelict with little indication that there was much inside.

Inside it was a cavernous, poorly lit, unheated space with the ramshackle bar set up at the far end.

To Osgoods expert eye the bar itself looked like the guidance fin of a Saturnyne puddle jumper propped across two stacks of ammunition crates with Sontaron markings.

The drinks menu was chalked on the black breastplate of a Judoon battle suit that hung on the wall behind the bar.

Despite the name 'bar and grill' it didn't appear they served any food.

At first Osgood had assumed it was some kind of hipster pop up bar that had gotten hold of a few alien artefacts and was squatting in the old roller rink site.

The patrons were mostly in costume. There was a theme mixing popular pop culture monsters with real life aliens. Osgood saw Cyberman and Dalek costumes which she felt were in poor taste.

Despite that she was amused when an obviously inebriated young woman in an inflatable slitheen suit started berating Kate for inaccuracies in her 'costume'.

Thankfully Kate had seen the funny side.

The two bartenders were dressed as a Dalek and a Cyberman.

Their costumes were really good. They even moved like the real thing. Their voices were perfect too although their bickering sounded too human.

The costumes were too good. Much too good. Osgood looked again at the customers. Some obvious cosplay ranging from highly professional looking costumes to one man dressed in a silver onesie with a silver spray painted beer hat. But there were others that didn't look like costumes at all.

Sontarons drinking chocolate milk shakes. Ood slurping bubble tea through straws. Judoon out of armour sitting in a small group drinking human beer.

Osgood felt a trickle of cold sweat at her spine. Those were not costumes. Maybe it wasn't obvious to everyone but those were real aliens.

Oswin assured her it was fine. The bar was safe territory, neutral ground. There was a strict non violence policy that was, ironically, enforced with immediate terminal violence.

Osgood didn't usually drink much but she had a sonic screwdriver to calm her nerves. The co*cktail turned out to be a regular screwdriver with a jellybaby in it.

She'd been under a lot of stress lately and she liked orange juice.....

She had another one....

Had she really sung karaoke with a Dalek or had that been a dream?

"Gimme, gimme, gimme a (cyber) man after midnight..."

It hadn't been a dream.

She had vague painful memories of singing Spandau Ballet's hit 'Gold' with the Cyberman bartender.

She sat up. Her pale skin was stuck to the silver alloy with dried perspiration. Angry pink lines were marked on her body following the contours of the Cyberman armour.

Kate didn't sleep but she did sometimes just lay alongside Osgood enjoying the closeness as Osgood slept. Kate's cyber brain continued to process but Kate could distract it by analysing the details of sensory input.

Abstract facts of temperature, chemistry, pH ,density and humidity. Things that a human would feel as the warm pressure of flesh on flesh. Kate couldn't have that anymore but savouring the data input as she lay against the sleeping Osgood was enjoyable.

Kate had told Osgood that knowing the scientist would appreciate it.

Osgood crouched over the Cyberman looking down into the blank silver mask. Despite her pounding headache Osgood smiled and gave the armoured faceplate a kiss with her dry chapped lips.

"Morning Kate." She whispered.

"Who is Kate?" Asked the Cyberman.

Osgood scrambled quickly to her feet. Her legs were stiff and she staggered as she looked around for her glasses.

She found them resting on top of her neatly folded clothes.

Osgood was familiar with every inch of Kate's body on both a professional and personal level. The Cyberman laying atop her duvet was a different model.

"What?!" Osgoods hungover brain couldn't manage more than that.

"Don't worry nothing biological happened last night. You just kept calling me Kate and tried to bite my antenna then you fell asleep."

Any reply Osgood was about to make was overwhelmed by a sudden need for the bathroom.

She started towards the door.

"You don't want to go in there." Warned the Cyberman.

"I really do, I think I got a bad jellybaby."

Osgood tore through her apartment towards the bathroom.

The small kitchen/dining area was filled with two Dalek casings. Osgood recognised the 'Mary Berry fanclub' stickers on one as belonging to Oswin. The other just looked like a regular warrior Dalek.

Both casings were open and empty. Osgood had a moment to notice her kitchen worktop was covered in freshly baked cupcakes some of which appeared to have been flattened. There was a carton of double cream spilled onto the floor with a smeared trail of cream leading to the bathroom.

Osgood ran into the bathroom and, with more relief than decorum, made use of the facilities. It was a moment before she saw the two Dalek mutants entwined in her tub messy with cream and cup cake crumbs.

"Oswin?"

"THIS IS NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE." Said one of the mutants.

"Oswin?"

"YES OF COURSE I'M OSWIN. DON'T YOU RECOGNISE ME?"

"Well you look ... shorter.

"AND THEY CALL ME ...MR.." began the other mutant but Oswin interrupted.

"NOT THE TIME. OSGOOD I'M SORRY, KATE TOLD ME TO LOOK AFTER YOU BUT I GOT DISTRACTED."

"YEAH YOU DID." said the other mutant managing to inject a smirk into its grating Dalek voice.

"Where is Kate?!?" Demanded Osgood.

Chapter 10: The caretaker

Chapter Text

Kate sat at her desk. It was a family heirloom, a battered rolltop campaign desk. Her sleek modern laptop looked out of place sitting on the dark wood. The glass of wine alongside it looked rather more appropriate.

The study in her house was decorated in mismatched but good quality furniture much of it inherited and of considerable age if not value. The french windows looked out onto Kate's neat well tended cottage garden, the garden was dark now. Rain spattered against the glass.

Kate stared at the screen of her laptop. Since her 'retirement' from UNIT she had been struggling to find ways to fill the time. She had long enjoyed classic mystery novels and so she had decided to try her hand at writing one.

She had gotten as far as creating her main characters, a sophisticated elegant blonde with a razor sharp mind and her geekily adorable assistant.

The plot was proving rather more difficult. So many of the ideas she had were based on events at UNIT that were still classified.

Kate took a sip of wine and leaned back in her chair. She was dressed comfortably in a dark blue woolen sweater and brown tweed slacks with worn tartan slippers on her feet. She looked at the clock. It was late but she didn't sleep much.

She heard the french windows open behind her and she swivelled in her chair.

"I've been expecting you." She said.

The rain drenched Cyberman stood framed against the dark green foliage of the garden.

"You've looked after the roses well." Said the Cyberman.

"You should see them in daylight Kate." Said Kate.

"How did you know it was me?" Asked the Cyberman.

"Who else would you be? And we still have the link."

"The Zygon psychic link? I assumed that that was lost when .."

"It's changed, some parts are gone but the link holds, it held." Kate shuddered. The Cyberman inclined its head questioningly.

"You were connected to me during the conversion process? You felt it."

Kate exhaled slowly and took a long pause before responding.

"Zygons can't faint you know, I had to sting myself unconscious."

"Well I would be sympathetic but...." The Cyberman gestured at her body.

Kate looked around her old home. She had loved this room but everything looked different now seen through cybernetic eyes.

The familiar furnishings seemed alien. It helped, made it easier. Kate hadn't been entirely sure why she had visited her Zygon double. Part of her had feared that she would struggle to leave if she ever went back. That she would try to take back her old life. But now looking around everything seemed so different.

She knew it was her that was different. She laughed inwardly at herself. It was hardly a revelation that she had changed. Some of the differences were subtle but most were as obvious as the handles on her head.

She was literally seeing the world differently. The eyes she saw through were not the eyes she had the last time she was in this room.

She looked at her Zygon double. Nate: (not Kate) stood up. Kate had seen Nate many times before. They had been close, intimately so on occasion. She knew the Zygon was a perfect copy of her old, her human, appearance. Yet this was the first time she had seen the Zygon since her conversion. Seen through cybernetic eyes even her own face looked alien.

"I'd ask what you are thinking but I know." Said Nate.

"I was just thinking how stunningly beautiful you are." Joked Kate.

Nate gave a sour half smile.

"I'm just a caretaker you know, just looking after your life until...."

"Don't be ridiculous. I'm not coming back. Even Osgood knows that."

It was still hard to say. Harder to say out loud.

"Never say never in a universe with a madman with a box."

"Nate really, this is your life now. I'm just annoyed you're living it better than I did. Retired, relaxed, that's something I could never manage. Are those my slippers."

"They're so cosy. Do you want them back?"

"I've gone up a few shoe sizes." A thought occurred to Kate:

"Are you wearing my underwear?"

"I am also sleeping in your bed and eating your porridge. Look UNIT asked me to do this but I'm only doing it with your blessing. Say the word and I walk away."

"In my slippers?"

"I'm not joking Kate."

"You said this was UNIT'S idea, you mean Osgood correct?"

Nate paced around the room. Kate felt a painful little lurch of emotion seeing herself as she had been.

"Yes it was Osgood. UNIT command considered you unsalvageable. You were getting a closed casket and a nice credible accident report to show your family. Osgood was the one who had faith."

Kate was silent but Nate continued.

"Something else you should know, immediately after the conversion the link was too disrupted for me to tell how much of you was left. I thought you were gone. I tried to console Osgood. Maybe it was bleed through of your feelings, maybe I was just horny but I tried to seduce her."

"And?" Kate wasn't sure what she wanted the answer to be.

"Turned me down flat. I thought she was going to hit me."

Suddenly Kate realised that she did know what she wanted the answer to be and that was it but she felt guilty.

"She would be better off with you." Said Kate.

"Obviously, but she wants the original not a copy."

"You're more me than I am now." Said Kate. She stepped further into the study and gently closed the french doors behind her.

"No I'm not, I'm just who you were."

There was an awkward silence. Nate sipped her wine just to have something to do.

"I'd offer you a glass but...."

"Well it is my wine."

Nate paused, the glass half raised. She moved closer to Kate.

"The link, can you feel it?" She asked.

"No. I thought it was gone, Zygon technology is organic isn't it, I'm not as organic as I used to be."

"You still have most of your brain. Concentrate on me."

Kate's cyber systems allowed her to concentrate with machine precision. She focused on Nate. The connection was still there, atrophied and weak but....

"I ... I can taste the wine.." Kate said wonderingly.

Nate took another mouthful.

The sensation hit Kate with suprising force. Her cyber brain cut the link protectively. After a second she sought it out again and gingerly re-engaged. It was easy now she realised the link still existed.

It was wonderful to taste again but also a painful reminder of what she had lost.

Before Kate could become maudlin another sensation came through the link.

"You need the bathroom?"

"I'm aware." Said Nate.

Kate could feel other things too, her old injuries had been perfectly replicated in Nate's body from when the link had been formed. She felt her weak knee, the mild arthritis. All the old aches and pains collected over an active life. She had been fit and strong, for a human, but she wasn't in her twenties anymore and her body had had a multitude of small pains that she had ignored every day.

A feeling of shock and suprise overwhelmed the emotional dampening of her cyber brain. She would have laughed if she could.

Nate felt the reaction.

"What is it?" She asked.

"I ... I can feel how frail you are, my old body I mean ..."

"I'm in excellent shape."

"But it's a human body, so weak. For months I've been joking about the advantages of my new body. It was just something to say better than being pitied but I just realised I was telling the truth. I like that I don't feel cold or pain anymore. I like how strong this new body is."

Kate hesitated.

"Should I be worried about that?" She asked out loud.

"That depends. I have a bar of chocolate in my desk. Would you like me to eat it?" Said Nate.

"Bourneville dark almond?"

"Of course."

"Yes I would quite like that."

"Then you don't need to worry. I really do need the bathroom first though."

Kate disconnected the link. Another human sensation she didn't miss.

Nate returned. Kate stood in silence her armoured silver form trembling slightly as she basked in the sensation of Nate eating the chocolate.

"Your children. You haven't asked." Said Nate softly. It was a question not an accusation.

Kate said nothing. For once the processors in her cyber brain were overwhelmed.

"They're well, we see each other more now, things are better... I'm sorry I didn't mean ...."

"It's okay, you're better at being me than I was." Kate was actually glad of that.

"But I am being you, I'm doing what you would do."

"We both know I would have co*cked things up, I'm not, I wasn't good at family."

"Don't say that. They care for you."

"Thank you."

"It's true." Insisted Nate.

"No I mean thank you for stepping in, looking after them."

Nate steeled herself.

"You could meet them."

"No, not like this." Said Kate quickly.

"I could explain everything, show them what I am." Said Nate.

"No, I don't want that burden on them or you. It sounds like things are good between you, let's keep it that way."

Kate felt guilty. Her words were selfless and maybe true but she knew there was more to it. She had realised she liked not feeling the aches and pains of her human body and now she realised the same applied to the pressures and disappointments of her human life. Awful as it was to say there were advantages to being a Cyberman. Everything was simpler.

Kate wasn't sure how much of this was communicated through the link or how much Nate realised but the Zygon just nodded.

"Okay but if you change your mind...."

Kate nodded and let her cyber brain lock those feelings away.

"I'm sorry I just turned up like this. I should have warned you." Said Kate. "I had to sneak out on Osgood. "

"You could have just asked her to bring you."

"I thought it might be difficult for her seeing us together."

"We're talking about Osgood." Laughed Nate "I think she would have liked it."

"Yes that concerned me a little too."

"I should call her, you know she worries."

"I left her drinking in an alien club with a Dalek." Admitted Kate.

"We should definitely call her."

Chapter 11: Plunge Hard

Chapter Text

Back at Osgoods apartment Oswin was doing the rarely seen Dalek scuttle of shame back to her casing.

Osgood was frantically trying to locate Kate. UNIT HQ wasn't responding. That was itself concerning.

Osgood didn't even wait to dress properly. She pulled on a white thermal vest and black wool blend office slacks then shoved her feet into a pair of TARDIS blue crocs and ran for the door.

"I'm going to HQ, I can't reach them, Kate might be there." She panted hurrying breathlessly outside. Oswin followed her leaving the confused Dalek and Cyberman in Osgoods apartment.

'WHAT IS GOING ON?" asked the Dalek.

"No idea."

"GO WITH THE HUMAN THEY SAID, WE'LL GET TOGETHER, HAVE A FEW LAUGHS."

A short tense subway ride later Osgood and Oswin entered UNIT HQ. The foyer was empty, no guards. Then Osgood noticed a pair of boots sticking out from behind the reception desk.

The boots belonged to a UNIT soldier, unconscious but breathing steadily. Osgood tried to wake the guard but he didn't respond. His holster was empty and his radio received only static. Osgood moved to put the man into the recovery position then stopped. She didn't want anyone to know she was here. Oswin glided silently beside her.

Osgood heard movement in the corridor ahead. Movement and burbling alien speech. She pulled Oswin into an empty side room.

Heavy footfalls passed the door as a two clumsy green bodies passed by. Then they stopped. The door handle started to turn.

Osgood dived into a store cupboard almost tripping across Oswin and leaving her crocs behind as they caught on Oswins bumper. Oswin parked herself in front of the cupboard and went inert.

The door open and two armed Slitheen waddled in. They spoke in Slitheen:

"The humans have a Dalek casing."

"Just an old model, not worth much. Outdated design."

"Scrap value only."

"Look."

The potbellied Slitheen pointed at Osgoods discarded shoes.

"Human crocs, now these things sell well to collectors of human art, no other species ever designed anything so ugly."

"Take them we'll put them on E space bay."

The Slitheen waddled back out taking Osgoods shoes with them their long arms dragging claws across the worn carpet.

When they were gone Osgood emerged barefoot from the store cupboard her white thermal vest now smeared with dirt. She winced at the cold floor against her feet. Oswin moved aside to let her out.

"SCRAP VALUE!!?" muttered Oswin. "THIS IS A CLASSIC!"

"The Slitheen have taken over UNIT HQ?" Said Osgood.

"IT WAS PROBABLY THEIR TURN."

"Our building insurance premiums are already insane. We need to find out how many Slitheen are here and what's happened to Kate and the UNIT personnel."

Before Oswin could say anything Osgood moved out into the corridor.

They made it as far as the tenth floor moving from cover to cover, avoiding roaming Slitheen. On the way they passed several more unconscious UNIT staff and found empty gas cannisters by the ventilation system which explained how the Slitheen had taken the building without firing a shot. A few discarded Slitheen human suits solved the mystery of how the aliens had infiltrated the site.

The invaders had disabled electronic surveillance and security systems which worked to Osgood and Oswins advantage as they sneaked through the building.

Osgood pulled open a window and peered downwards.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" asked Oswin.

Osgood began unrolling a fire hose from the wall.

"There is a weapons locker on the floor directly below us, you shelter here, I use the hose to rappel down, get in through the window. There should be crowd control weapons in the locker that will be effective on the Slitheen. I have to hurry, Kate might be in trouble."

THAT SEEMS A RISKY PLAN."

"All things being equal I'd rather be safe in my lab but we're all that's left."

Oswin looked at Osgood standing there bare foot in a dirty vest ready to take on the entire Slitheen force.

"PETRONELLA YOU ARE AN AMAZING WOMAN."

"Thank you but we have to hurry."

"YOU HAVE GENUINELY FORGOTTEN HAVEN'T YOU? WHAT I AM?" Said Oswin reverently.

"What do you mean."

"OSGOOD I AM A DALEK."

"Oh." Osgood blushed. Oswin worked so hard to appear cute and unthreatening with her cooking and her funny stickers. She did everything she could to seem harmless.

"THEY'RE SLITHEEN. I AM A DALEK. GIVE ME FIVE MINUTES."

Oswin glided to the door and paused.

"JUST ACCESSING THE PUBLIC ADDRESS SYSTEM. I NEED TO GET IN THE RIGHT HEADSPACE."

The first few bars of Alice Coopers 'No more Mr Nice Guy' began playing over the PA.

Oswin peeled of her 'Great Skaro Bake Off' sticker. Then she glided forwards.

"YIPPEE-KI-YAY MATERNAL INTERCOURSE ENTHUSIASTS."

"Pardon?"

"MY PROFANITY FILTER IS STILL ON."

Oswin paused again as Osgood began following her.

"OSGOOD STAY IN THE BATHROOM."

"I'll be careful."

"NO, I DON'T WANT YOU TO SEE ME LIKE THIS."

"Oh, okay."

Osgood hung back awkwardly but she heard the sounds. Weapons fire, gurgling cries and 'EXTERMINATE, EXTERMINATE, EXTERMINATE."

"THIS FACILITY IS UNDER THE CONTROL OF THE DALEKS." The harsh voice rasped out of the PA system at painful volume.

Osgood went cold until the voice continued.

"I'M SORRY OSGOOD, IT'S ME, IT'S SO EASY TO GET CARRIED AWAY. SLITHEEN FORCES HAVE WITHDRAWN."

Osgood hurried through the building. UNIT personnel were slowly waking up. She passed several Slitheen who wouldn't be waking up but there was still no sign of Kate.

Oswin rolled into view.

"I'M SORRY I HAD TO GO ALL DALEK."

"You did what you had to."

"I FEEL LIKE SUCH A CLICHE."

"It's okay Oswin really."

"DON'T TELL ANYONE."

"I won't but we still have to find Kate."

"OSGOOD..."

"Yes?"

"IS IT WRONG THAT I REALLY ENJOYED IT?"

"Let's not think about that right now. We need to find Kate."

Chapter 12: Waiting for Osgood

Chapter Text

Kate walked through the night streets of London. It was so late it was early and those few people around were to busy with their own business to bother Kate.

She had intended to get back to UNIT as quickly as possible after leaving Nate but the simple freedom of being out unescorted was intoxicating.

Turning down one dimly lit alley she had hesitated on seeing a group of men loitering by the entrance. Her hesitation was from memories of fear and caution from her old life.

She smiled inwardly, the only way she could as she paused in the darkness. A strange feeling came over her, the realisation that she was by far the scariest thing on the street.

It shocked her how much she liked the feeling. She walked past the group. They looked at her perhaps wondering what she was, an eccentric in costume? On her way home from a party? She returned the stare. The men shrank back seeing nothing human in her eyes.

I make a good monster Kate thought to herself.

She felt a very human satisfaction at that.

She was close to UNIT HQ and walking fast. She made herself slow down. Meeting Nate had changed things.

She had been replaced. The 'new' Kate was better with her family. Ironically her replacement was an upgrade.

Yes she still had a role in UNIT but she was just a tool. A useful tool but one that could easily be substituted or replaced there as well.

Oswin was at UNIT now. The Dalek might be eccentric but she had as much knowledge, power and technology to offer as Kate did. More in fact and the little pepperpot could bake cakes as well.

Rather than making her feel sad, or as close to sad as she could get these days, it felt like freedom.

She didn't need to go back she could just keep walking.

She could go anywhere.

Okay, not anywhere she was still seven feet of silver armour, a spa day was probably out of the question but that had never been her style anyway.

It was so tempting. Just walk away.

Her old loyalties were starting to feel like little more than habits but there was one loyalty which was still strong.

Even as she fantasised about leaving she knew it was just that, a fantasy. She wouldn't walk out on Osgood.

Not without talking to her first.

Not without giving Osgood her blessing with Nate. It seemed the perfect solution. Nate clearly liked Osgood. Osgood had had a crush on Kate. At this point Kate thought Nate was closer to being Kate than she was. If Osgood became an item with Nate everyone won.

Almost everyone. Kate knew she would miss Osgood but it was for the best. It was impossible for Kate to imagine that guilt and pity weren't part of the reason Osgood stayed with her and Osgood deserved better than that.

Osgood deserved the old Kate upgraded not a dysfunctional Cyberman.

With a feeling of cold certainty Kate continued through the night.

Returning to UNIT might be problematic. It was possible they would try to stop her leaving. She didn't want to hurt anyone. It scared her to know she would if they tried to stop her.

Better not to put herself in that situation. She changed direction towards Osgoods apartment.

For all her thoughts about being replaced it was still disconcerting to find another Cyberman in Osgoods apartment sitting on her couch watching TV. There was a Dalek mutant seated beside it and an empty open dalek casing parked behind the sofa.

There was something wrong about a Dalek hiding behind the sofa.

They were watching Scooby Doo cartoons.

"I see myself as the Daphne of this group." Said the Cyberman.

"YOU ARE CLEARLY THE DOG."

"What about you?"

"FRED IS A GOOD LOOKING TACTICAL GENIUS WHO DRIVES AN ADVANCED VEHICLE. REMIND YOU OF ANYONE?"

"Osgood is the Velma."

"OBVIOUSLY."

Kate walked in. She had met the Dalek and Cyberman at the bar. She didn't trust them but she was prepared to believe they weren't immediately hostile despite their origins.

They reacted to her with casual acceptance. Kate decided to wait for Osgood. She wasn't entirely happy about leaving Osgood alone with this odd couple and on a personal level she was curious about the Cyberman. She had never met a Cyberman who wasn't either loyal to the cyber armada or painfully clinging to their old life.

"Who were you?" Kate bluntly asked the Cyberman.

"I don't know."

"Doesn't that bother you? I assumed you must remember your past and that was why .. I mean why aren't you ... Why aren't you still .."

"Deleting and converting?"

"Yes." Admitted Kate.

"Cybermen are designed for survival, we gave up our emotions, our fear, our bodies but not our free will. You should ask why so many slavishly follow the cyber controllers."

"THAT'S DEEP MAN." said the Dalek from its seat sprawled on the sofa. It had one tentacle wrapped around the remote control.

"Have you seen Osgood?" Asked Kate.

"Cute, glasses, bow tie, bit of a handlebunny?"

"Yes. What? 'handlebunny'?"

"WE GET THEM AT THE BAR SOMETIMES."

"No." Protested Kate, "Osgood isn't like that."

"I'm not into that kind of thing myself." Said the Cyberman. "But it takes all sorts."

The Dalek and Cyberman showed no indication of leaving having found a 'Brokenwood Mysteries' that neither of them had seen so Kate joined them watching TV as she waited for Osgood.

After an hour the Dalek crawled down off the sofa and scurried over to the kitchen. Kate heard a kettle boiling. A short while later the mutant crawled back carrying a mug of milky tea.

The Dalek placed the mug on the floor and squatted over it. There was an obscene slurping sound like a drain clearing.

The Dalek climbed off the mug. The level of tea inside had dropped. The Dalek crawled back to the kitchen and quickly returned with a TARDIS shaped biscuit barrel. Kate watched in fascination as the Dalek mutant took a chocolate digestive biscuit from the barrel and dunked it in the tea. It pulled the biscuit out and slid the sagging tea drenched biscuit under its body lifting up on its tentacles. The biscuit disappeared with a slurp.

The mutant selected a second biscuit, a custard cream. It dunked the biscuit. This time the biscuit folded in half and collapsed into the tea.

"DAMN."

The Dalek shifted to squat over the mug once more. There was a wet sucking sound as it siphoned up the disintegrating biscuit.

Kate had been a scientist but she reflected that there were some things she would have been happy not knowing. She wondered when Osgood would return. Soon hopefully.

Chapter 13: Casualty

Chapter Text

"Of course you can play with your friends after school but remember what I said: whatever you do don't go and play on the faulty powertool and medical waste landfill site with all those old refrigerators full of contaminated sharps and rusty chainsaws."

In Osgoods apartment the Cyberman, Dalek and Kate were binge watching episodes of Casualty and Holby.

"I CAN'T WATCH. THEY'RE GOING TO PLAY ON THE DUMP AREN'T THEY?" said the Dalek averting it's eye.

"I've forcibly cyber converted hundreds of people but this is the most horrifying thing I've ever seen." Said the Cyberman unable to look away.

"IT'S LIKE THE WRITERS OF GREYS ANATOMY TURNED THEIR NIGHTMARES INTO A TV SERIES."

"Well it's not the same since Charlie left." Said Kate. She was mildly disturbed how she had been sucked into this while waiting for Osgood to return.

"I SAID WE SHOULD HAVE WATCHED 'MIRANDA' INSTEAD. SUCH FUN!!"

"It was my turn to choose. You know I like medical drama." Said the Cyberman.

Thankfully Osgood came in at that moment. She was filthy and visibly exhausted dressed in a stained white thermal vest, black slacks and borrowed combat boots.

She looked surprised that she had guests but not nearly as surprised as most people would if they walked in on two Cybermen and a Dalek watching 'Casualty'.

"Kate! I've been looking for you everywhere!! Nate said that you had visited her, I was worried you might be upset!'

"I'm a Cyberman Osgood, I don't get upset." Replied Kate shortly. She immediately regretted it. Osgood looked hurt.

"Don't pretend Kate, it's me, please." Said Osgood.

Kate was painfully aware that the Dalek and Cyberman had turned to watch. Osgood stared back at them.

There was an uncomfortable silence broken finally by the Dalek.

"YOU'VE RUN OUT OF BISCUITS."

Osgood grabbed Kate's arm and Kate let herself be pulled into the bathroom. Osgood shut the door.

"Kate I was worried about you. It must have been a shock seeing Nate in your home."

"It's not my home anymore, it's hers, it's Kate's."

"You are Kate." Insisted Osgood. She held Kate's arms looking up into the silver mask. "You.Are.Kate." she repeated.

"But I'm not am I ? I've changed."

They paused. Neither of them was comfortable talking like this. They groped for the words.

Kate swore. The obscenity sounded strange delivered in the flat tones of a cyberman.

"This was easier when I was your superior and I could just bark 'Osgood report!' and you had to obey. "

"We never spoke about feelings." Osgood said the word with awkward distaste.

Kate's blank face was unreadable.

I'm your superior now." Said Osgood.

"You are."

"Kate report!"

"Osgood I ..."

"No don't try to dress it up, just give me the facts. A report. Now!"

Osgood flushed. Kate stared at her. Then Kate started to speak. A long toneless monologue unimpeded by any need to breath.

"Osgood I met Nate. She is living my life better than I did. You would be better off with her. I know you had feelings for me but it was the old Kate you had feelings for. Nate is the old Kate. She likes you.

You will not waste time with me out of pity or misguided loyalty to a woman who died in that cyber factory. I appreciate everything you've done for me but you need to move on. I can't subject you to this anymore."

Osgood began taking off her dirty clothes. She spoke as she undressed.

"I expected something like this. I have to say it's a little disconcerting being in a relationship and not being the one with the self esteem issues but I knew you would freak out after seeing Nate. I half expected you to suggest we use her as some kind of psychic sex surrogate but you went one better and you want her to take over entirely. Well I'm tired of talking about this. I'm tired of trying to convince you how I feel about you so we're going to settle this scientifically."

Naked Osgood opened the bathroom door and called out.

"Dalek!"

"THEY CALL ME MR OC..."

"No one cares, get in your casing and come over here."

Grumbling the Dalek clambered into its shell and glided to the bathroom door. The Cyberman joined it. Osgood stood naked in a defiant hands on hips pose facing Kate. She spoke to the Dalek while continuing to stare at Kate.

"Dalek run a full neural and physiological scan on me and give me a report on what it indicates."

"I DON'T WORK FOR YOU."

"Do it and I'll go and get some more biscuits."

"JAMMIE DODGERS?"

"Okay, just run the scan."

The Daleks eyestalk tracked up and down Osgoods body. Osgood continued to stare at Kate. Kate was confused but nothing showed on her blank face.

"HUMAN SUBJECT SHOWS INDICATORS FOR STRESS, EXHAUSTION, DESIRE AND SEXUAL AROUSAL. CONCLUSION: SHE WANTS ME."

The Daleks eyestalk swivelled from Kate to the Cyberman.

"YOU TWO SHOULD PROBABLY LEAVE."

Osgood rolled her eyes and gently closed the door in the Daleks 'face'.

"DON'T FORGET JAMMIE DODGERS."

"What was that supposed to prove?" Asked Kate. Her flat voice hid how shaken she felt.

"It proves that I have an undeniable physical reaction to you. There is no element of pity to this. No obligation. Kate you always knew how I felt about you before and I just proved that I have no problem with your changes. So the only question is whether you feel the same way."

"Are you going to get a Dalek to scan me?"

"No." Osgood stepped into the shower cubicle. "I'm just going to point out that I have never had sex in the shower. It's up to you if you want to change that."

Back on the sofa the Dalek and Cybermen were watching a new episode of casualty. A tanker of weaponised flesh eating virus was being transported through Holby and the driver had chest pains while on the phone to his ex wife discussing their divorce settlement.

Their viewing was interrupted by sounds from the bathroom.

"Handlebunny, I told you." Said the Cyberman.

A loud crash of falling bodies came from the bathroom. The Dalek and Cyberman exchanged a look. The bathroom door opened and Kate stepped out helping Osgood who was limping. Both of them were wet and dripping with soapy water.

"Shower sex is harder than it looks in films."
Said Osgood twisting to examine her bruised posterior.

"TELL ME ABOUT IT." agreed the Dalek.

They all stared at the Dalek their imaginations painting an unwanted picture.

"Sorry that finished before we ... uh ... finished. " Said Osgood awkwardly.

"Don't worry. We've got plenty of time to practice." Said Kate "But maybe not in the shower."

Chapter 14: Kink shaming of the Daleks

Chapter Text

The two Daleks glided across the park at night. It was pitch dark cloudy and starless but this was no obstacle to the Daleks sensors.

They moved smoothly hovering silently just above the rough ground.

Although the two Daleks moved with the innate confident lethality of their kind there was also something strangely furtive about their progress. Their eyestalks swung from side to side in a way that looked almost nervous.

"ARE YOU SURE WE WON'T MEET ANYONE WE KNOW?" grated the first Dalek.

"ARE YOU HAVING SECOND THOUGHTS?" Asked the other Dalek. This was Oswin. She turned her eyestalk to face her companion. "WE DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS. NO PRESSURE."

"NO, I WANT TO, I'VE FANTASISED ABOUT THIS FOR SO LONG. IT'S SO DIRTY BUT SO HOT!"

"HAVE YOU DONE THIS BEFORE?"

"NO, I'VE NEVER MET ANYONE WHO WAS INTO IT. HAVE YOU?"

"THIS IS MY FIRST TIME AS WELL. I'VE ONLY SEEN VIDEOS ON THE NET."

"LET'S GO BEHIND THOSE TREES."

"I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE DOING THIS."

The two Daleks pulled up behind a thick stand of trees. Their eyestalks swivelled one last time then the casings opened. The two mutants climbed down.

"WILL YOU GO FIRST?"

"NO YOU GO FIRST, I WANT TO WATCH."

"OH THAT'S DEPRAVED." Said Oswin.

"DON'T KINK SHAME!"

She crawled across the park floor then up into the other Dalek's casing.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE REALLY DOING IT! THAT'S IT! GET IN MY CASING! DEEPER!" Squawked the Dalek as Oswin climbed in it's casing.

"YOUR CASING IS SO TIGHT!"

"I WANT YOU INSIDE MY CASING!" grated Oswin as she sealed the other Dalek's casing. "DO IT! DO IT NOW!"

"OH!" The other Dalek crawled into Oswins casing.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE I"M WEARING ANOTHER DALEK'S CASING, IT'S SO WRONG BUT IT FEELS SO RIGHT!!!"

The Dalek sealed Oswin's casing. Moments later a rhythmic squeaking sound came from Oswins casing.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

"ADJUSTING THE SEAT HEIGHT."

"DON'T MOVE MY MONITORS IT TOOK ME FOREVER TO GET THEM JUST RIGHT."

There was a pause as both Daleks explored their unfamiliar casings.

"THERE ARE A LOT OF BISCUIT CRUMBS IN HERE, WHEN DID YOU LAST VACUUM?"

"YOURS SMELLS WEIRD. WHY DO YOU HAVE SO MANY AIR FRESHENERS? I FEEL ITCHY."

There was another long pause then both Dalek casings opened again. The two Dalek mutants crawled out and slid back to their own casings.

The casings hissed shut. There was a squeaking sound as Oswin adjusted her seat back.

"IT DID NOT LIVE UP TO THE FANTASY."

"WE SHALL NEVER SPEAK OF THIS."

Chapter 15: Pillow talk of the Cybermen

Chapter Text

The squat ominous form of a warrior Dalek stood by the scarred bar top of the Plungers Rest bar and grill.

This was the Dalek known as Mr Octopus. The reasons for this were shrouded in mystery but widely assumed to be horrific.

Beside the Dalek was a pile of freshly opened packaging materials. Amid the torn paper, tape and bubble wrap was a large cube of brown textured foam. The cube was hollow, open at the base and equipped with straps and eyeholes so that it might conceivable be worn by a creature of human size or perhaps larger.

The cubes foam material had a rough textured finish and was the colour of lightly burnt toast.

The Dalek was speaking into a smart phone that sat on the bar top.

"IS THIS BIG CHASSIS COSTUMES AND FANCY DRESS FOR THE LARGER FIGURED? YES? I WANT TO MAKE A COMPLAINT..... I SPECIFICALLY ORDERED A KROTON COSTUME ..... I WAS VERY CLEAR ... KROTON .... NO IT ISN'T THE SAME .... NO I AM NOT SHOUTING .... THIS IS JUST HOW I TALK ...."

Elsewhere in the intimate darkness of the apartment of Petronella Osgood she and Kate were enjoying themselves.

Since Kate had visited Nate she had started testing the restrictions UNIT had placed on her movements and discovered that when you were a seven foot tall Cyberman it was quite difficult for people to stop you going wherever you wanted. As a result Kate now left UNIT HQ whenever she felt like it. Rules and regulations were fine. She approved of them usually but in her experience they were best applied to other people.

Tonight she was staying with Osgood.

Thin shafts of electric light from the street lamps filtered through gaps in the carelessly closed curtains and reflected from rigid silver armour and sweaty pale skin as the two bodies entwined on the pile of duvets and blankets that served as Osgoods bed.

"Kate ...uhhh ..."

"Is that good?"

"You're laying on my arm!"

"Oh sorry."

"It's fine, since we started sleeping together that arm's much less vital to my love life." Joked Osgood as she rolled free.

"Do you want me to ...?"

"Oh yes ... let me just get ... Oh .. that's better aah .. wait!!"

"What?"

"My hair is caught in your armour."

"But your head is nowhere near ...oh.. sorry...."

"Not your fault. Just let me move a little."

0sgoods hand slipped down between the broad dense armour of Kate's thighs. She hooked her sweaty fingers against the alien alloy moving her hand in an inviting motion.

Osgood knew Kate's schematics well, she knew Kate wouldn't feel her hand as anything but an input of sensory data but the suggestive movement of her hand was intended to invite not stimulate.

Osgood raised herself above where Kate lay. She looked down into Kate's wide immobile silver face and dark tear drop eyes.

Osgoods thighs were splayed against Kate's body, Osgoods hand behind her still kneading against the metal covering.

Osgood strained over Kate. Sweat dripped from Osgoods quivering body onto Kate's impassive armour as Osgood's movements became more urgent.

Kate relented and Osgood felt the armour open around her fingers giving her access. Kate's heavy powerful body shuddered at the contact.

Osgood twisted awkwardly trying to concentrate on her own pleasure and Kate's simultaneously.

She turned against Kate her perspiring body was slick against the smooth metal of her lover and she lost her balance falling to one side.

Kate was taken by surprise, her armour snapped shut in a defensive instinct catching Osgoods fingers. Osgood jerked her hand back with a yelp.

"Sorry." Kate apologised as she helped Osgood sit up with one strong arm around her.

Osgood laughed with a hint of an asthmatic wheeze.

"Petronella we don't have to ...." Began Kate her voice a flat cybernetic drone.

In answer Osgood climbed determinedly back astride Kate, this time she reached out one hand behind her between Kate's legs the other gripping the convenient handle of Kate's antennae.

"I knew they were good for something." Panted Osgood happily.

A short while later they lay side by side partially covered by Osgoods single duvet. Most of Kate was exposed to the cold night air but she didn't feel it.

"You felt different? When you opened up for me." Said Osgood hesitantly making the statement a question.

Kate knew what she meant. She knew the reason. She was glad of the darkness even though she knew her mask like face wouldn't betray her.

"My organic tissue doesn't heal, it just gets replaced with cybernetics, my ..... there's less of my original body."

"Oh. That's what I thought." Osgood nodded.

Kate didn't know why but she was pleased that Osgood didn't say she was sorry.

Osgood shifted and winced. Kate noticed.

"You're hurt."

"Just bruises. I did fall off again." Osgood sounded proud but Kate wasn't listening.

"Petronella there's something I wanted to talk about. I spoke with Nate."

"She said."

"Did she mention our psychic link is still partially functioning?"

"Yes, she said you keep asking her to eat chocolate in front of you."

"Yes, well, we can share other sensations as well."

Osgood sat up and looked at Kate. She had a good idea where this was going.

"Is this going to be about sex?" She asked.

"Yes." Kate was relieved that Osgood had made the connection she hadn't been looking forwards to explaining it.

"If you wanted to, Nate would be open to .... being with you ....she's quite keen actually .... then I could still enjoy it, I would feel it through the link but you wouldn't have to touch me." Said Kate flatly. Her voice was a buzzing drone in the dim apartment.

"Don't you want me?" Asked Osgood with poorly hidden distress. "Did I do something wrong? Was it because I grabbed your handles? I don't have to do that, it's just I kept sliding off."

"No, oh Osgood what did I do to deserve you?" Said Kate wonderingly.

"I assume you were very wicked in a previous life." Joked Osgood uncertainly.

Kate was aware things had gotten mixed up. Her onboard tactical database suggested the direct approach.

"I like what we do Petronella, I like it immensely but I know it has challenges. I thought you might find it easier with Nate. I wouldn't be offended if you did."

I would be disappointed though thought Kate silently.

"Easier isn't better." Said Osgood firmly. "I like the challenge." She blushed "I like that it's a bit weird. Is that wrong?"

"That's wonderful Osgood."

"So I can still hold your handles?"

"Anytime you want."

Kate felt the phantom muscle memory of a smile.

"I feel a bit sorry for Nate though, she doesn't know what she's missing." Said Kate.

"Yes she does, the link works both ways you know."

Chapter 16: Morality for beautiful Daleks

Chapter Text

Kate lay on the pile of blankets that Osgood called a bed and watched her get dressed.

It involved several layers.

First her underwear, high waisted and secure. Kate tried to think of a word that was the polar opposite of skimpy yet didn't sound bad.

Substantial?

All encompassing?

Next the bra, an equally robust garment from the companion range featuring their patented 'Peri' anti jiggle technology.

Next soft sky blue thermals, both leggings and a long sleeve top.

Osgood hadn't taken her socks off when they'd gone to bed but she had at least removed them when she had showered. To Kate's suprise she wore two pairs, a thin pair with thicker sports socks on top. They pulled up over her thermal leggings.

Then trousers, brown wool blend slacks with a fabric webbing belt.

A blue long sleeve dress shirt tucked into the slacks. Then the bowtie, burgundy today.

Then boots, also from the companion range, light hiking boots suitable for most terrain with extra quarry proof ankle protection.

Osgood filled her pockets: handkerchief, spare inhaler, glasses cleaning cloth, small multitool, notepad, pen, spare pen, wallet, bag of jelly babies, Sontaron cavity exploder.

Osgood saw Kate looking as she clipped the weapon to the back of her belt.

"I fully support the Doctor's pacifist approach." Said Osgood guiltily "but you have to admit the Doctor does often end up blowing up his enemies. I just like to be prepared."

"Oh I approve."

Osgood picked up her jacket, it was a drab brown fleece with a windproof outer. She checked the pockets: inhaler, beanie, gloves, slightly larger multitool, encrypted smartphone, extra handkerchief, spare glasses in a Dinkley brand reinforced case, small first aid kit, additional pen, back up notepad, sachet of shark repellant.

Osgood saw Kate looking.

"You never know." Said Osgood defensively.

Kate stood up. One advantage to being a Cyberman was that it didn't take her long to get ready. A quick wipe down and she was done. Although when Osgood helped with the wipe down it often ended up taking much longer.

She reflected that she was making huge savings on hair products. Actually on everything, food, clothing, heat, it was suprisingly cost effective being a Cyberman.

"Remind me again what we are doing today." Said Kate. She knew exactly what they were doing she just wanted to hear Osgood say it again.

"I'm giving an ethics talk to a Dalek." Repeated Osgood. "You don't have to come."

"Oh believe me I'm not missing this."

The Plungers Rest was a well known alien hang out. Well known among certain parts of society at least. UNIT was happy enough for the bar to exist, better it's patrons were drinking and attending quiz nights and karoake than planning the conquest of earth.

The owners, the Dalek known as Mr Octopus and his Cyberman partner had made their money selling probic vent covers to the Sontaron army (the Sontarons were rightly embarrassed no one had thought of this before) and purchased the bar.

Unlike Oswin and Kate the Dalek and Cyberman didn't have memories of human lives to give them any sense of what was considered right and wrong. They were trying to do their best but they were a little hazy on the whole good/bad thing and had a tendency to fall back on old habits.

As their UNIT liaison Osgood had offered to help.

Osgood rather liked the bar. It was one of the few pubs she and Kate could go to and not attract confused stares.

There were a number of human 'handlebunnies' that were regulars at the bar so it was also one of the few places Kate got hit on. Osgood was less enthusiastic about this but suspected Kate quite liked it.

Osgood herself attracted some attention from various aliens with a fondness for humans. This was a mixed blessing. Good for her ego but sometimes embarrassing when she had to explain that she wasn't interested in gestating a wiirn spawn or hosting a primeval symbiote or going skinny dipping with a sea devil. Okay, that last one had been tempting Osgood admitted to herself.

They entered the bar, which was based in a derelict roller rink. This gave it the disconcerting feel of a supervillains lair.

The owners had done their best to make it more homely. There was a notice board in the entrance covered in flyers for local events.

A come as your favourite human cosplay party. An advert for a Saturnyne one woman show entitled "Self Image of the Fendahl'. A late night showing of 'Picnic at Fang Rock' (Osgood already had tickets). A Krillitane Meatloaf tribute act. The regular meeting of the D.S.M.E.P support group (Doctor stopped my evil plan).

The D.S.M.E.P were a suprisingly fun crowd. Osgood had infiltrated the group for security reasons but stayed for the free biscuits.

Today the bar was quiet. A Sontaron who had clearly had a few too many chocolate milks was singing a cover of 'Love is a battlefield'. A zarbi was slumped in one corner staring at a pile of sugar cubes, two weeping angels were having a staring contest that looked like it was going to last a while.

Mr Octopus glided over. Externally it looked like a standard warrior Dalek. Similarly it's Cyberman companion just looked like a Cyberman. It was a slightly different model to Kate but still a regular Cyberman.

Osgood led them to an empty table and sat down. The Dalek didn't sit for obvious reasons. The Cyberman didn't sit because it didn't get tired. Kate didn't sit for the same reason but also because she was scared of breaking chairs. Feeling awkward Osgood stood back up.

"WE HAVE BEEN LEARNING ABOUT YOUR HUMAN MORALITY BY WATCHING YOUR TELEVISION PROGRAMS." announced the Dalek proudly.

"Oh dear." Sighed Osgood.

"Game of Thrones is excellent." Added the Cyberman.

"JON SNOW KNOWS NOTHING!"

Kate was incapable of facial expressions but Osgood could sense her holding back laughter.

"CERSEI IS MY FAVOURITE."

"I like how the white walkers bring everyone together and let everyone be reborn into their ranks. They really embody acceptance, tolerance and teamwork I haven't seen the ending yet but I think they will bring peace and unity to Westeros." Said the Cyberman thoughtfully.

"I think I'll have a drink." Said Osgood. The menu at The Plungers Rest was chalked on a Judoon chestplate hanging behind the bar and continued across the bare brick wall. It helpfully indicated which drinks were compatible with which species.

Osgood had a non alcoholic Ice Warrior on the rocks, the two Cybermen didn't drink but the Dalek had tea and a very long straw which disappeared into its casing.

"I KNOW IT IS WRONG TO EXTERMINATE PEOPLE."

"Good."

"UNLESS SOME PUNK COMES AT ME WITH A NINE THEN I DROP THE BITCH."

"We've been watching 'The Wire'." explained the Cyberman.

Osgood nodded regretting that she had chosen a non alcoholic beverage.

"So I shouldn't try to improve people?" Said the Cyberman after some discussion.

Kate was staying out of this.

"Not surgically, not without permission, no." Said Osgood patiently.

"But I'm helping them."

"People don't necessarily want to be brutally cyber converted." Osgood glanced nervously at Kate.

"People are weird."

"BUT I CAN STILL EXTERMINATE BAD PEOPLE?"

"How do we know which are the bad ones?" Asked the Cyberman "It's confusing."

"NO IT'S SIMPLE. NO ONE LIKES BAD PEOPLE SO IF IT'S SOMEONE WE DON'T LIKE THEY MUST BE BAD PEOPLE AND IT'S OKAY TO EXTERMINATE!! EXTERMINATE!!!"

"No that's not exactly what...." Began Osgood.

"THANK YOU OSGOOD THIS HAS BEEN VERY HELPFUL."

"But...."

"DON'T FORGET TOMORROW NIGHT WE'VE GOT LIVE MUSIC, THE ROLLING STONES OF BLOOD ARE PLAYING!!"

"What kind of music is that?" Asked Kate.

"HEAVY ROCK."

Osgood and Kate decided to walk back to UNIT. Kate took one of the hooded ponchos that they kept at the bar for patrons. It looked strange but it hid that she was a Cyberman and there were stranger things walking the streets of London.

"I think that went well." Said Kate eventually.

"Are you being sarcastic?"

"I genuinely don't know. I looked at some statistical data for the neighbourhood around the Plungers Rest for the past few months. Street crime reports have declined by 93% but missing persons are up by 68%."

"The last few months? Isn't that when they started serving traditional Silurian food at the bar?" Asked Osgood.

"Yes. I'm sure there's no connection."

"Let's not think about it."

"Good idea."

"Do you think they've been eating the criminals or the people making the reports?"

"We agreed not to think about it."

"I'm really regretting having that meat pie."

Chapter 17: Tinsel Zero incoming, brace

Chapter Text

Osgood ran into the UNIT break room clutching her phone and wheezing frantically.

"In ... Incoming comms .... from Tinsel zero ... " She gasped scrabbling in the pocket of her cargo trousers for an inhaler.

The only occupants of the break room were Dalek Oswin and cyber Kate. They had been watching Bake Off.

"You can just say your family is on the phone." Said Kate patiently.

"B...but she's going to demand I spend the Christmas holidays with them and you know I can't say no to her!"

Kate remembered how emotionally wrung out Osgood always was after visiting with her family. She'd seen time war veterans with less PTSD.

"Just tell her you have to work."

"She can sense if I'm lying!! I think she has magic powers!!"

"Calm down." Said Kate.

"I'LL DEAL WITH THIS." squawked Oswin confidently.

She accessed Osgoods phone remotely and took the call. To everyone's surprise when Oswin spoke she didn't sound like a Dalek. Instead her voice was human, male and had a sophisticated upper class English accent.

"I'm afraid Miss Osgood cannot come to the phone at present. Really? I shall check her social calendar ...... No I'm afraid she's attending the stragglers ball at that time. I shall pass on your regards madam."

Oswins eyestalk swivelled to look at Kate and Osgood who were staring at her.

"WHAT?"

"I didn't know you could change your voice."

"DALEKS ARE ONE OF THE MOST ADVANCED RACES IN THE UNIVERSE WHY ARE YOU SUPRISED WE CAN ALTER OUR VOCAL PROFILES?"

Osgood and Kate continued to stare.

"I DOWNLOADED AN APP." admitted Oswin.

"But if you can change your voice why do you TALK LIKE THIS?" asked Osgood.

"I DON'T SOUND LIKE THAT."

"You.."

Kate interrupted.

"What is the stragglers ball? Did you make that up?"

"NO IT'S BEING HELD AT THE PLUNGERS REST THIS YEAR. IT'S THE SOCIAL EVENT OF THE SEASON!"

"Never heard of it." Said Osgood.

"WELL I DID SAY SOCIAL EVENT. ANYWAY IT'S NOT REALLY FOR HUMANS. EVERY TIME SOMEONE ATTEMPTS TO INVADE EARTH THEY GET DEFEATED BUT THERE ARE ALWAYS A FEW OF THE INVADERS WHO GET LEFT BEHIND IN THE RETREAT. THEY GET STUCK IN TRAFFIC ON THE WAY BACK TO THE DIMENSIONAL PORTAL OR THE MOTHERSHIP LEAVES EARLY. THAT KIND OF THING. THEY GET STUCK ON EARTH."

"Stragglers."

"EXACTLY. AND ONCE A YEAR THEY HAVE A PARTY. KATE AND I GOT INVITES!"

"Wait, I'm invited? I'm not an alien or a straggler I'm never late." Protested Kate as Oswin handed over an envelope.

"Technically I suppose you are a Cyberman." Said Osgood. "You probably qualify."

Kate looked at the invite. The card had a picture of the TARDIS with a stop symbol printed over it.

"Cosplay contest?"

"COME AS YOUR FAVOURITE HUMAN."

"Invasion blooper reel?"

"HILARIOUS!"

"Dalek sproutball?"

"WE DON'T TALK ABOUT THAT."

"But what about me? Do I pretend I'm cosplaying as me?" Said Osgood.

"NO IF THEY CATCH YOU CHEATING YOU'LL GET EXTERMINATED AND THEY PROBABLY WON'T INVITE US NEXT YEAR."

"So I can't go?" Osgood sounded disappointed.

Kate held out her invite.

"It says I can take a plus one so long as they're not a Time lord. "

"PARTY!" said Oswin.

The Plungers rest was a bar in a derelict roller rink. The owners were a 'retired' Dalek and Cyberman who had experienced a mid invasion crisis after being severely injured while working with the Master. They had decided on a career change.

UNIT tolerated the bar as the Plungers Rest adhered to a strict neutrality and the owners always invited UNIT to quiz night.

Despite the approval of UNIT the bar itself was in clear violation of many health regulations. It was decorated with 1950s monster movie posters, old roller derby flyers and a messy assortment of salvaged furniture.

The clientele were equally diverse. Most were aliens with a sprinkling of human groupies, handlebunnies, whiskwives and suckerbro's.

Osgood was wearing a black crushed velvet suit with a matching silk cravat, glossy ankle boots and a ruffled cream shirt. Kate and Oswin were in armour. Silver and Bronze went with everything.

Osgood surveyed the busy bar. Sontarons drinking chocolate milk and having a headbutting contest, a Saturnyne female with her image inducer switched off was wearing a little mermaid T shirt and chatting with a Krillitane who was in Batman cosplay.

For the occasion the bar had taken on some extra help. In retrospect employing Weeping Angels as waiters wasn't the best move.

Osgood tried to catch the gaze of one of the Weeping Angel waiters to get a drink but the Angel froze stone still.

Several Zygons had come in their natural form but wearing human costumes with paper masks and badly fitting clothes. They seemed to find this funny. Zygon humour.

A Silurian in a red jumpsuit was explaining how it's human mask wouldn't fit over its head to a bored looking Tereleptil.

A hard rock cover of 'Shooty dog thing' was playing on the jukebox.

To one side of the spacious bar four Dalek casings sat open and empty. Each casing was a different model. Osgood recognised a very early silver and blue casing, a battered grey and black model, a bulky yellow scientist caste Dalek and an executioner variant. She took out her eye spy book of Daleks and discretely ticked off a couple.

But what really caught her attention was the Dalek mutants themselves. The disembarked creatures were scurrying around a large plate of brussel sprouts that had been placed on the floor. They were kicking the sprouts to each other with their tentacles and shouting happily. Every so often one of the Dalek mutants would sink down on top of the sprout and consume the cruciferous vegetable with a wet crunching sound.

"What the f ..fendahl?!..." Asked Osgood. Kate's emotions were deadened from cyber conversion but she agreed the sentiment.

"IT'S A DALEK THING." said Oswin defensively.

"You want to join in don't you?"

"SO MUCH!" Oswin glided off to join the other Daleks.

Lady Me and Clara were sitting together at a table in the corner puzzling over the menu. Me qualified for an invite due to being part alien technology. Heather and Bill were there dancing together as the jukebox switched to an accoustic version of 'silver machine' chosen by a Telosian Cyberman.

To Osgoods surprise Romana was there dressed in a long pink wool coat over an Edwardian sailor suit.

"I thought time lord's were banned." Said Osgood.

"SHE GETS AN EXCEPTION." explained the Dalek behind the bar.

"Everyone fancies her." Explained the Cyberman bartender. "And she has all the latest Gallifrey news and gossip."

Osgood could hear Romana talking to two Autons:

"Big collars are back in this season and ..."

"TIME FOR THE BLOOPER REEL!" announced the Dalek.

The crowd gathered around. The Dalek started up an old fashioned projector which displayed the images on a blank section of wall.

The title screen came up.

Core values of the Daleks

The first film was clearly from a Dalek gun camera taken in the Dalek throne room. The Emperor Dalek was in view talking on a communicator.

"TAKE THE EARTHS CORE. I KNOW BUT IF IT 'AINT BROKE .... WHAT? ALREADY GONE? WELL WHO TOOK IT? DID ANYONE GET THE NUMBER OF THE SHIP?

MECHANOIDS??!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!! DAVROS SAKE NO ONE EVEN REMEMBERS THOSE BLOATED WANNABES, WELL TELL THEM TO PUT IT BACK! THE EARTHS CORE IS OUR THING! WE CLEARLY HAD DIBS!!"

Second thoughts of Sontar

This film was saturated full colour showing a Sontaron war marshall on horseback addressing his troops.

"I shall challenge the Doctor to single combat, true the Doctor is a formidable foe but they are a pacifist, they will hesitate to use violence and in those moments of hesitation I shall prevail!! Son Tarr!!! Son Tarr!!! Their reluctance to use violence shall be the Doctors undoing!!!"

"Oy, spud-u-like! The Doctor couldn't make it. I'm subbing in."

"Who are you?" Demanded the Marshall.

"I'm Donna Noble."

"Oh crap."

Bleep the Meep

This film was obviously amateur phone cam footage. It showed a busy convention hall with a white furred Meep surrounded by a crowd. Many of the crowd were in costume.

"Meep has come to take your worthless human lives! Wait, where is Meep? What is 'Furry Convention' ? Help! Meep has made miscalculation!! Save Meep from hugs!!"

The blooper reel was interrupted by a moan of discomfort from the Dalek.

"I warned you about eating all those sprouts." Said the Cyberman unsympathetically.

"MY CASING IS HERMETICALLY SEALED, IT IS A SELF CONTAINED ENVIRONMENT." said the Dalek it's lights flashing in distress.
"IT'S GETTING REALLY UNPLEASANT IN HERE!!"

"Don't open your casing!" Ordered the Cyberman but it was too late.

The Daleks casing opened with a rush of what could be generously described as air.

The smell that came from the Daleks casing was an entity in its own right. Osgood reeled back.

"IT'S WHY WE DON'T TALK ABOUT SPROUTBALL." Explained Oswin as she glided up beside them.

Osgood backed towards the door along with many of the other guests. Kate had switched off her olfactory sensors.

Osgood looked around through watering eyes.

"I didn't even know Weeping Angels could throw up." She said wonderingly as she saw the grey stone figure doubled over by a small pile of gravel.

"Well don't stare at it." Said Kate.

The Dalek bartender had abandoned it's casing and was sitting on the bar groaning while the Cyberman lit several 'Skaro Wasteland' scented candles.

Osgood looked around at the array of aliens and humans. She smiled and stretched up on tiptoes to kiss Kate's armoured cheek.

"Best Christmas ever!!" Said Osgood.

Chapter 18: Cyber dance class

Chapter Text

There were unexpected effects of cyber conversion. It didn't come with a manual. Had Kate's mind been fully converted then she was sure she would have been aware of all her capabilities and entirely unsurprised by them. Perhaps there actually would have been a manual of sorts downloaded to her consciousness. As it was she was still discovering, still surprised in the detached way of her cyber dulled emotions.

One aspect of this was her memories, old and new. Her memories were digitized now. It had happened slowly in the months following her conversion. It was unnerving to think of her brain tissue dying off and being superceded with cybernetics. She wasn't sure how much of her original tissue was left now. The old, sometimes unreliable, biological data storage replaced with perfect digital recall.

Memories so long lost to time were suddenly available with pin sharp clarity.

Thankfully she also had control over when and how she accessed the memories. That coupled with the emotional distance of cyber conversion meant at times accessing those memories was like reading a book about a stranger.

Kate stood unmoving and alone in the empty UNIT break room. She could stand like that forever. It was the closest she could get to sleep. Although her body was inactive her mind was busy browsing memories. It wasn't boredom or curiosity that drove her to do it. It was more a need to keep active, an inability to stop. Her human desire for rest clashing with the relentless Cyberman drive. The two seemed incompatible and the inevitable victim of the conflict seemed destined to be Kate's sanity. Except she had found ways to redirect the cyber imperatives into something approximating rest, dreams, browsing the archive of her memories. It was like the nights as a human watching TV when she had been too tired to leave the sofa and go to bed.

Tonight she found a long abandoned memory.

She recalled ballet lessons that she had had as a child. For a brief time, the length of one school holiday, she had wanted to be a ballerina. She had gone to ballet lessons for a few weeks only.

It was so long ago Kate had forgotten all about it. A childish dream that had lasted a months at most but now she recalled those memories perfectly.

She remembered the lessons. She remembered the way the instructor had moved. She remembered the professional dancers she had watched on television.

Kate realized she could map those memories to her own movement.

She had never progressed as a dancer. Never had any desire to.

But now she had complete control of her body. Unlike her human form her cybernetic body would do exactly what she asked of it. It wasn't just about strength and power it was about precision. It was about a accuracy.

If she wanted to move her leg 30° it would move to that exactly angle. All she had to do was think it. The situational awareness, the positioning, the balance, the movement: it was all automatic controlled by her cyber systems.

She moved like a well oiled machine because she was one.

On a whim she moved down the centre of the room. Her heavy silver body moving through the five positions she recalled from her ballet lessons. Twisting turning rising falling. Her body adjusted for its greater weight and bulk. Her balance was perfect, her speed inhuman. There were none of the aches or tightness of a human body.

She danced and pirouetted and turned around the room. It felt effortless despite the weight and power behind the movements.

The synthetic myomer of her muscles ensured she stepped lightly despite her bulk. Each position was perfectly controlled.

The segmentation of her armour gave her flexibility and her cyber systems smoothly adjusted for any discrepancies between her Cyberman body and dance steps designed for humans.

She stopped only when she ran out of ideas, when she had exhausted every move in her memory. She wasn't tired, she didn't ache. There was no challenge to it. It seemed almost pointlessly easy.

Kate turned back and saw Osgood standing in the doorway holding an empty mug.

A true Cyberman would have noticed Osgood earlier, they wouldn't have been distracted by memories or entranced by their own capabilities.

"You were watching?" Asked Kate. Osgood nodded.

"I didn't know you could dance like that."

"I couldn't. It appears I can now."

Kate felt embarrassed she readied a glib comment about appearing on Strictly or dancing with the stars.

Osgood put down her mug and stepped closer.

"Can you dance with me?' asked Osgood. "Not ballet. That was ballet wasn't it?"

"Yes."

"But you could dance ballroom? Waltz? Something slow. Something where you hold me." Osgood groped uncertainly for the unfamiliar terminology.

"I didn't know you liked to dance." Said Kate.

"I don't. I mean I've never tried. You should probably lead."

Kate took Osgood in her arms. The smaller woman was warm and pliant. Osgood moved awkwardly. Her tactical boots tripping against Kate's armoured feet.

Kate danced using other memories, formal dances her job had required her to attend, tv programs, old films. All translated and mapped through her cybernetics.

She enjoyed the weight of Osgood against her, the warm human closeness registering as soft pressure against her sensors. It was only when Osgood started to sag with fatigue that Kate realized how long they had been dancing.

"Osgood I don't get tired you'll have to tell me when to stop."

"Never." Murmured Osgood with a smile.

Chapter 19: Pillow talk

Chapter Text

Osgood snuggled against Kate's armoured bulk. They lay on the floor of Osgood's apartment. She still didn't have a bed but the cocoon of duvets wrapped around them kept Osgood warm and temperature wasn't an issue for Kate anymore.

Other things were though.

"Osgood, I'm a cyberman."

"I know Kate." Osgood sleepily kissed the silver metal of Kate's shoulder. "So?"

"I just think that I should be the big spoon." Protested Kate.

Osgood squirmed her pyjama clad body against Kate's back.

"But I'm comfortable." Murmured Osgood.

Kate was fine with that. More than fine although she did sometimes wonder what the relationship would have been like if she was still human. Would there have even been a relationship?

Since Kate's cyber conversion Osgood had become more assertive in many ways thought Kate or maybe she was less assertive.

She wasn't as sure of her role and her purpose anymore. She felt less confident which was strange given that she was now physically far more powerful.

Maybe she just liked being the little spoon for a change. Kate laughed inwardly at that thought. She could feel Osgood clinging to her as data on pressure and contact, respiration rates, heartbeat, body temperature. Cold empirical data but in her mind it still added up to Osgood. In bed with her. They hadn't had sex tonight. Osgood had quite the appetite which had been a pleasant surprise but tonight they just lay in bed.

They had watched a film together. Sandra Bullock in 'Mavity'. They both agreed it was pretty good although Kate had preferred Sandra in Oceans 8. They both agreed Cate Blanchett had stolen that one.

Kate had loved Cate in 'Carol' and Osgood had a soft spot for her after 'Lord of the Rings' and 'Ragnarok'.

Something about elegant blondes named Cate... Kate had resisted the urge to tease Osgood.

For about a minute...

"Of course I'm not blonde anymore, I've gone grey, well silver grey..."

Kate wondered if Osgood thought it was strange when she spent the night. Sex was one thing (quite a nice thing admitted Kate) but just laying in bed with Osgood was something else. Kate couldn't sleep anymore which wasn't quite the same as not needing sleep but her body didn't get tired so did Osgood wonder why Kate was happy to lay immobile for hours with her?

Kate wasn't completely sure herself. Sometimes it was an effort not to accidentally squash the smaller woman.

Osgood's claim that her glasses and inhaler technically made her a cyborg as well didn't really equate to Kate's seven feet of reinforced composite alloy armour and built in reactor.

And yet she was still the little spoon tonight.

One thing she did know: if she'd been human she wouldn't have been able to keep the smile off her face. As it was it was easy.

Dalek Oswin had suggested drawing a smile on in Sharpie to make Kate less intimidating but this was from a woman who thought bumper stickers made a Dalek seem cute.

Besides Kate liked being intimidating. That hadn't changed.

"I've been thinking about the Doctors companions." Said Osgood sleepily.

Kate had learned that Osgood's late night musings were a delightful mix of genius and whimsy which didn't always stand up to the light of day.

"Really? Not Clara again. I'll get jealous. I mean I get it but still.." Kate was feeling uncharacteristically whimsical herself.

"No, I was thinking we should set up a training program for companions. Basic skills. We could use past companions as instructors."

"The Doctor does tend to pick his own assistants. I'm not sure if he would be happy with specially trained personnel. Especially military trained, even if it was UNIT." Pointed out Kate.

"But the Doctor just takes whoever is willing to step into a magic box with an eccentric stranger. It doesn't exactly select for people with good threat assessment skills." Countered Osgood. Kate had to admit she had a point.

"And we could let the Doctor select the assistants, we just train them." Continued Osgood. "Map reading, corridor navigation, alien recognition, appropriate footwear, that kind of thing."

"So you're proposing a kind of advanced companion training school?"

"Top Companion. I feel the need, the need to run away from Daleks." Joked Osgood. "I suppose some fitness training might help too." She admitted.

"Let's not forget the erotic volleyball matches." Added Kate.

"What?"

"In Top Gun, the semi naked volleyball?"

"Oh I didn't notice. Was it supposed to be erotic?" Osgood sounded curious. "Sport isn't really my thing. I joined a Netball team in college, I thought it would make me more popular but I wasn't very good and I felt silly."

"Are there photos?" Asked Kate.

"Oh I looked ridiculous in those shorts and kneesocks."

"I don't suppose you still have the outfit?" Asked Kate in her flat cybernetic voice.

"Why do you ask?"

"No reason, just curious."

Not for the first time Kate was glad of her permanently blank expression.

"So who would you want as instructors at your training program?" Asked Kate to dispel thoughts of Osgood in netball uniform.

"Well maybe Liz Shaw for science. Romana if she's available."

"Good choices."

"Leela for self defence training."

"Maybe too proactive with the defence, I'm not sure our current Doctor would approve of the mediaeval arsenal. Maybe Donna Noble? Her maximum violence immediately approach works well."

"Isn't that what they teach special forces recruits?'

"Where do you think they got it from? The Sontarons call her Lady Venthammer you know."

"She prefers 'Dollkicker'."

"Bill could give advice on the perils of working with the Doctor. People should know the risks going in."

"Bill should?"

"Well.. I can't blame to the Doctor for what happened to me."

There was a long pause.

"Who do you blame?" Ventured Osgood nervously.

"No one, things worked out quite nicely for me considering the circ*mstances."

"Yes?"

"I still think I should be the big spoon though."

"I'm not moving, I've just gotten warm and the blankets are just right."

Chapter 20: Just a scratch

Chapter Text

Osgood felt the background noises of UNIT HQ fall away when she heard the report. Her world suddenly became coldly focused.

"Unsub confirmed as a Raston warrior robot. Threat neutralised. The cyber asset has suffered damage." The field team leader Corporal Skjorte reported.

Osgood was too focused to even complain about him describing Kate as an asset. It was technically the correct protocol anyway.

Osgood worried about Kate for lots of reasons since her cyber conversion but she had gotten used to thinking of her as being largely invulnerable to physical harm. Of course cybermen weren't indestructible but they were walking tanks. It took a lot to hurt one. Added to that Kate had her own experience and knowledge. It was a formidable combination.

Early on after Kate's conversion Osgood had worried that Kate would be vulnerable as a consequence of her still human mind not effectively meshing with the cybernetic body. There had been a lengthy period of adjustment but Kate was a practical woman and she had embraced the advantages of her new body.

Osgood had seen her dismantle an attacking Yeti with her bare hands. Although she wouldn't admit it Osgood found Kate's new physical power quite exciting.

That aside Osgood felt Kate was fairly safe on field missions. Apparently not safe enough.

A Raston warrior robot was a serious danger even to a cyberman. The fighting machines were rare. Although they were utterly lethal at close quarters they weren't an invasion level threat. They were more like guard dogs. Guard dogs that could kill cybermen.

Osgood would panic later right now she needed information.

"Confirm extent of damage to cyber asset." She ordered while silently asking Kate's forgiveness for calling her an asset. She corrected herself knowing Kate would approve of her sticking to protocol.

"Asset is impaired but mobile, en route to..." The team leader was interrupted by a flat cybernetic drone of a voice.

"I'm absolutely fine, don't make a fuss. It's just a scratch."

The voice was cyberman but the words were Kate. Osgood's operational calm fractured a little as relief flooded through her.

"No other casualties to report Ma'am." Added the team leader with a hint of resentment. Osgood felt guilty that she hadn't asked. It wasn't that she didn't care but her concentration had focused entirely on Kate. It was unprofessional and Osgood suffered a sharp pang of shame mingled with relief that no one was seriously hurt.

That relief turned to shock as Kate limped in to the UNIT lab 20 minutes later along with the field team. The field team were coming down from a adrenaline high. They looked battered and tired but exultant.

Only Kate had any obvious injuries and hers were very obvious.

There was a silver spear jutting through Kate's torso and... Osgood grabbed her inhaler taking a rapid puff. Kate was carrying her own severed right arm in her left hand.

"Kate..."

"Don't fuss Osgood it looks worse than it is."

"You're carrying your arm!" Wailed Osgood.

"It can be reattached. It doesn't hurt Osgood, you should see the other guy."

She turned to the team leader, Corporal Skjorte. He looked sweaty and exhausted as he pulled off his helmet. Kate could smell the reek of cordite and perspiration coming off him.

"What about the Raston? How did you neutralise it? You didn't have any heavy ordnance and Rastons are bulletproof."

"Bullet proof ma'am. Not Lethbridge Stewart proof." Said the team leader with a proud grin.

Two of the team dumped a filled body bag onto the examination table. It rattled. A third team member dumped a second football sized bag.

"Raston warrior robots weakness seem to be having their heads ripped off by angry cybermen ma'am." Said the team leader deadpan.

"Can it reinitialise?" Said Osgood nervously.

"Not after Kate reached down its neck and pulled out its innards." Said the team leader with some relish.

There was a general murmur of amusem*nt and approval from the team. A couple of them actually slapped Kate on the back.

Kate felt. She wasn't sure what she felt. Cyber conversion had dulled her emotions and she'd always controlled them pretty tightly anyway. When she had run UNIT she hadn't much cared what people thought of her. Getting the job done was what mattered. She'd never been 'one of the guys'. Her position and her family connections isolated her from the troops.

Maybe they had respected her back then but this good natured cameraderie was something new.

Kate wasn't sure exactly what she was feeling but she knew she liked it.

Osgood was still staring at her looking stricken. Kate's pleasure at the approval of the team faded as she realised how scared Osgood looked.

Kate's nanotech repair systems were already fixing the damage. Given enough raw materials should could grow a new arm or reattach the old one. It really didn't hurt. A true cyberman wouldn't have felt anything beyond a tactical awareness of functional impairment but Kate was still Kate.

She glanced down at the impaling spear. It was through her chest. And the arm she held. It was her arm. She could see pale bloodless atrophied human flesh inside the shattered armour.

Her arm. Kate Lethbridge Stewart's arm.

She staggered. Crap, not in front of the team thought Kate as she fought for control.

Osgood glanced at Kate. Kate's immobile mask of a face showed nothing but Osgood seemed to realise.

"Good work Corporal, go get cleaned up. Debrief at 16:00 hours."

The team leader nodded.

"Make sure you look after Kate." He said with affection as the team walked out. Osgood heard them talking in the corridor.

"...stepped right in front of that spear, saved me.."

"...ripped it clean off..."

"..hit it with her own severed arm!! Her own arm!!"

"....glad she's on our side..."

"..do you think those two are really sleeping together .... I mean how does that even work..."

"...don't know, don't care, but after today I'd sleep with her..."

"Bow tie?"

"No!"

Back in the room Osgood knew Kate heard as well.

"You better not be laughing." Said Osgood.

"Actually I think I might need to sit down a moment."
Said Kate. She grabbed the bench for support.

Osgood pushed the remains of the Raston to one side so Kate could sit. She wasn't sure what to say. She leaned close to Kate's silver mask face. The smooth armour was dirty with soot and hydraulic fluid.

"Kate...."

"Petronella it really doesn't hurt but ...."

"It's your arm."

"It's my arm." Agreed Kate. "I was fine until I saw the .... the flesh."

"Kate it's okay, you're not a cyberman. "

"I've got two handles and a lot of silver paint that might disagree."

"You know what I mean. You're injured. It's okay to feel it."

"I'm not injured, I'm damaged."

"You're injured, you're not equipment." Said Osgood firmly.

Osgood leaned in and gave Kate a quick kiss on the sooty silver alloy of her cheek.

Kate awkwardly indicated the spear still sticking out of her chest.

"Can we get this out? I can't get a good angle on it."

Osgood looked nauseous as she pulled on a pair of reinforced gloves.

The slender silver javelin was barbed at the tip. Fighting her horror Osgood pushed it through then dragged it out through Kate's back. Kate didn't bleed but there was an unpleasant smear of lubricant and organic material on the shaft. It came out with a wet grating sound that made Osgood's bile rise. Kate kept very quiet as the spear slid free.

Osgood yelped as the sharp edge of the spear cut her finger through the glove.

She pulled off her glove and looked at the small cut on her finger tip.

Kate turned her head to look. Osgood held up her bleeding finger.

Kate held up her severed arm.

"If you're waiting for sympathy it's going to be a long wait. " Said Kate in her flat artificial voice.

"Alright you win." Joked Osgood weakly. She quickly stuck a plaster on her finger and pulled on fresh gloves.

The hole in Kate's torso gave a gruesome view of the interior. Osgood made herself examine it. She could see flesh in there.

"My eyes are up here." Said Kate as Osgood peered into her chest. Kate might be joking and the neutral tone of her voice revealed little but she wasn't looking down at the wound.

"The nano tech will self repair." Assured Kate. Osgood got the impression she wasn't talking to her.

Osgood took Kate's severed arm from her. It was shockingly heavy.

"Would it be unprofessional if I threw up?" Muttered Osgood. She'd handled far worse things but this was Kate and she could see ... she tried not to think about what she could see in the torn open joint.

Osgood gingerly held up the limb, hand facing her as she checked for damage. She cried out in shock as the hand cupped gently around her breast through her lab coat.

"Kate!"

"I know, no PDA."
Said Kate glad to have changed Osgood's horrified expression.

"You still have control?" Said Osgood with interest as the severed limb moved. Her scientific curiosity was back.

"Not around you."

Osgood gave Kate a smile.

"All the more reason to get you fit. I just need something to hold the limb in place while it reattaches."

Osgood looked around the lab. Her gaze settled on a large roll of duct tape.

Kate saw where she was looking.

"You can't be serious."

"But it's even the right colour!"

It took an hour to clean Kate's dirty armour then patch the holes and tape the limb in place.

A double strip of duct tape covered the holes in her chest and back. Her severed arm was held in place by a mass of silver duct tape forming a sling and the shoulder joint was swaddled in tape.

Osgood looked critically at her handiwork.

"I've filled the .. uhh..openings with titanium paste so the nanotech has raw material to work with. You should be fully repaired in a couple of days just take it easy until then."

"I'll cancel my tennis match. Seriously thank you Osgood. I know that was difficult for you."

"I used up almost all my duct tape." Said Osgood lamely.

They were interrupted by a knock at the lab door.

It was the team leader, Corporal Skjorte. Rod, his first name was Rod, Osgood recalled.

He was freshly showered and wearing clean fatigues.

"Just checking on the patient ma'am." He said. His eyes widened when he saw Kate.

"So it's true you really can repair anything with that stuff."

Chapter 21: A bouquet of duct tape

Chapter Text

Kate sat in the UNIT break room. After months of trying to fit in suddenly people were chatting to her like she was an actual person. She'd discovered her injuries made it easier for people to talk to her. It was a bizarrely effective icebreaker even if most of the conversations were along the lines of 'Does it hurt?' or 'That's a lot of duct tape.'

She'd also found sitting helped. Oswin had pointed out that the sinister looming effect of a Cyberman standing in the break room wasn't conducive to casual conversation even if the Cyberman was standing by a plate of biscuits.

Biscuits that the Cyberman had herself purchased to the utter terror of the supermarket check out assistant.

Chocolate biscuits.

Kate was embarrassed to be receiving advice on social etiquette from a Dalek but more embarrassed that she hadn't worked it out herself. Was this what being Osgood was like?

Despite her apparently declining social skills the team who had tackled the Raston robot with her were actually making an effort to include Kate in conversations. It was awkward. They didn't have many points of reference in common these days but she appreciated the effort.

"Have you tried that new vegetarian place? Oh ... no I suppose not."

"He wants to go somewhere with a beach this year but I'm not sure if my swimsuit will still .... probably not an issue for you..."

"I love the new Star Trek Picard series, it's great to see the Borg back and ...ummm..."

"I've got this weird rash, I think it's my shower gel.."

"I can't wait to see the kids when they get back, it's been so ...uh.."

"He's doing well after the accident but obviously it takes time to get used to a prosthetic .. leg ..which I ...ummm.. guess you know..."

"Bathrooms are out of order again I had to queue up .... how does that work with ...never mind."

"These new shift patterns are crazy, when are we supposed to sleep?! We're not machines! Uh ... no offence..."

"I'm just sorry Katie Stewart retired before I joined, talk about milf, the posh ones are always filthy, I'd have stood to attention for her if you know what I mean .... why are you all staring at me .... is that a real cyberman? I thought it was a model, why is it coming over here?"

Kate found it funny that some of the awkwardness was about how to address her since her demotion. There was some confusion over her rank and place in the hierarchy.

"Ma'am?"

"Ms Stewart?"

"Kate?"

"Big silver lady!"

Okay that last one had been after a retirement party with an open bar.

Technically most people outranked her these days. UNIT wasn't about to give command authority to a cyberman friendly or not.

But she was still Kate Lethbridge Stewart and a seven foot terrifyingly strong cyberman and both those things conveyed their own kind of authority.

She wasn't going to be invited to the pub anytime soon and Tegan and Bill still avoided her but it was nice that the room no longer went silent when she walked in. She'd been getting tired of feeling like the bad guy in a western.

Corporal Skjorte had even presented her with several different colour rolls of duct tape tied together with a ribbon. The team had jeered and applauded as he handed it over.

"Is this a bouquet of duct tape?" Said Kate her flat voice hiding her pleasure.

"I'd have got you grapes but..." He had joked.

And there had been a very Osgood conversation immediately after Kate had been injured.

"I want you to come back to my apartment tonight." Osgood blurted awkwardly. She made it sound like an order.

"I know laying down will be tricky with your arm taped up and I don't expect us to .... do ... anything but I want you there." Continued Osgood. Kate got the impression Osgood was answering questions that no one had asked yet. Osgood had indeed run through a lot of scenarios in her mind.

"We can watch TV I've got the Hallmark channel now." Added Osgood.

Kate considered a number of jokes about not needing to make threats but decided against it. Osgood was clearly upset about something.

"Or they're showing Dalek Sproutball championship matches on the big screen at the Plunger's If you want to go out." Offered Osgood.

"Well who doesn't love watching Dalek mutants kick brussel sprouts around..."

"It's the Skaro cup!"

"But Petronella I'm fine, the arm is healing." ventured Kate uncertainly.

"I just ..." Osgood trailed off blushing red. Osgood pulled herself together with an obvious effort.

"Is this because I got hurt?"

"No. I just didn't want you to think I was less interested because I saw .." Osgood desperately wanted this to sound romantic "...your insides."

She failed.

Kate was torn between amusem*nt and a sudden image of the cadaverous but horribly familiar flesh she'd seen exposed by the damage to her armour. Thanks to her cyber brain the memory was detailed and crystal clear.

"Osgood you've seen me since the conversion, you've probably seen more of my .... organic components ... than I have myself. You know I'm not a hot blonde in a suit of armour."

"I've never thought of you like that! Not even before!" Protested Osgood vehemently.

"Oh."

"No, I mean I did but it wasn't just the ... the blonde thing and the legs .. it was you."

"Nice save."

"I think I'm getting better at romance."

"Let's not try to quantify it." Said Kate tactfully.

"So?"

"You want to watch Dalek Sproutball don't you?"

"It is the semi finals tonight. The Exxilon Exterminators are playing Terminus City."

"I thought you didn't like sport."

"But it's so much fun watching the goal celebrations when they score."

Kate did rather like the Movellan cheerleaders.

Osgood noticed what Kate was carrying in her good arm.

"Is that a duct tape arrangement?"

"Skjorte gave it to me from the team, a silly joke."

"It's wonderful!" Gushed Osgood. "Look at all the colours!"

"Well I know what I'm getting you for valentine's." Said Kate amused. "Although obviously Skjorte didn't mean it as a romantic gesture." She added quickly.

"Well no, you aren't his type, he has a boyfriend I mean." Said Osgood.

Kate stared at her for signs she was joking.

"And that's the only reason you think he wouldn't be romantically interested in me?" Asked Kate sceptically.

"What?"

Kate shook her heavy silver head in wonder.

"I really did get lucky with you didn't I Osgood?"

Chapter 22: Drinks at Plungers

Chapter Text

"I am fully repaired." Reported Kate blandly as Osgood examined her.

"Healed, you are fully healed." Corrected Osgood stressing the last word as she peered at Kate's shoulder.

"So we both agree l'm fine and you can stop fussing." Kate's voice was a synthetic drone but Osgood could feel a certain smugness coming from the silver giant who sat on the bench in the UNIT lab in front of her.

Kate had hated feeling vulnerable as a human and it had been an unpleasant surprise to be reminded she wasn't entirely invulnerable as a Cyberman.

Kate tried not to lie to herself: she knew she'd been scared.

She also discovered how easy it was to turn off that feeling. Instead she listened to her body giving her detailed performance reports. Pain and damage reduced to empirical data while her programming had adapted automatically to compensate for any temporary functional impairment.

Kate approved the efficiency of it. She told herself she would have approved even back when she was human.

It was as if her own body was telling her not to worry. It was strangely comforting.

Despite Osgood's insistence otherwise Kate knew she had been damaged not wounded. She hadn't had her arm torn off she had simply suffered a painless temporary functional impairment, easily corrected.

Kate was under no illusions. She knew that this was her cybernetics talking but in the circ*mstances she was entirely happy to let them.

Kate started to stand.

"Wait, I still want to keep your arm taped up until we're sure the joint has regained full density." Osgood held up a roll of duct tape.

"Petronella you have to be joking."

"Kate it's just a precaution."

"Osgood..."

The smaller woman was smiling "It's not my fault we used up all the silver duct tape."

"Osgood why is pink duct tape even a thing? Who would ever need pink duct tape?"

"Barbie dream house repairs?"

Osgood was relieved by Kate's response. A Cyberman wouldn't have cared what colour duct tape was used. She nervously wondered if Kate knew it had been a test. Kate's injuries had confirmed something that they had both suspected. The damage to Kate's biological components had been repaired with cybernetics. The joint was stronger than before but even less of Kate's original tissue now lay under the armour.

"Hold still, I'll tape you up. You don't want to be late for your trauma counselling session." Said Osgood.

"It's as if you don't know me at all." Joked Kate. "Last week that idiot therapist actually asked me why I was attending the mandatory counselling sessions. He actually used those words."

"It's only two hours. We can meet up in the bar afterwards. Vastra said she might be there tonight."

"I know UNIT insists I go to these sessions but couldn't you be my therapist? "

"I am not remotely qualified for..."

"You could dress as Counsellor Troi and I could pretend I was a Vulcan in the heat of pon farr and there was only one way to heal me?"

"That sounds ... I ....uh... we could ... I already have the .... No. Look Kate the therapy sessions are for your own good."

"My suggestion would benefit us both Counsellor."

"You are evil. How did you even get that idea?"

"I don't sleep and you bookmark a lot of fanfiction."

"Kate just go along with the therapy. We don't want UNIT to think you aren't cooperating."

"But my loins burn with the heat of Vulcan." teased Kate. Osgood had to smile at how the words sounded in Kate's flat cybernetic voice.

"Okay, I'll cooperate." Kate conceded "Oswin said she'll go with me."

"Well I don't see how that could go wrong."

"Sarcasm is not logical Counsellor."

"In this case I think you'll find it absolutely is. Now let me tape your arm up. We don't want anything falling off later. I'm very fond of that arm."

Having despatched Kate to therapy Osgood tried to settle to work but she was tired and Kate's efforts at seduction were affecting her ability to concentrate. Osgood decided to get something to eat and catch up with some chores before she met up with Kate at the bar later.

The bar was 'The Plungers Rest' one of the few venues where a Cyberman wouldn't attract attention.

The Plungers Rest was a shabby collection of salvaged furniture set up in a disused roller rink. It was run by a disenfranchised Dalek and Cyberman who had quit their former lives in favour of the hospitality industry.

Sometimes they regretted it.

It was quiet so far today. A couple of Zygons were warming up the karaoke machine with a gurgling rendition of The Who's 'Substitute'.

A woman sat alone at one of the tables. That particular table was an upturned Tereleptil drive pod but the woman looked like a perfectly normal human. Glossy brown hair cut into a long bob, pale complexion, sensible but slightly dated clothing.

She had started coming to the bar a few weeks ago. Mr Octopus had noticed her because most of their human clientele were the type who came to mingle with the aliens. Occasionally they got human troublemakers who had a problem with aliens or were dealing illicit substances like the new party drug Squee but Mr Octopus and his Cyberman partner had a way of making those kinds of problems go away.

The woman was never a problem and she always sat alone. He knew her name was Claire. She seemed self conscious and always sat stone still when he looked at her but she paid for her drinks and didn't cause trouble so that was fine.

There was a single customer drinking at the bar. A timelord and future/former employer. He wore an elegant black suit paired with a goatee beard and handsomely saturnine features. His usual suaveness was somewhat dented by the number of co*cktails he'd had some of which now stained the front of his beautifully cut suit.

Mr Octopus, the Dalek serving him, didn't know much about co*cktails and had just been randomly pouring things into a glass and adding a paper umbrella. It was all about the presentation.

"It used to be you could be evil you know.." slurred the timelord as he knocked back a whisky, cherry cola and creme de menthe mix.

"...all you needed was a fiendish plan, a disguise and a sinister laugh. That was real villainy you know? We had style. The kids these days they don't get it, it's all about childhood trauma and mental health issues. In my day to be a bad guy you just had to be the bad guy. No one ever asked why. They just don't get proper villainy anymore: black jackets without collars, explaining your master plan! Evil banter! Sword fights up the stairs! Falling off things so the hero doesn't have to kill you. Double crosses! Hypnosis! The fun kind! That was craftsmanship! Respect the goatee! Kids these days! No style..."

The Daleks dome swivelled and looked at his partner. The Cyberman shrugged.

"SHOULD WE CALL MISSY TO PICK HIM UP AGAIN?" asked the Dalek.

"No, he's fine."

"I'M RUNNING OUT OF PAPER UMBRELLAS."

"Just use a beermat with a nail though it."

The Dalek took down a bottle of absinthe and a tub of Ovaltine and started to pour.

"I'M CALLING THIS ONE THE CHOCOLATE MINDWIPE."

Osgood was back at her apartment peering into her fridge. Nothing but a carton of milk aspiring to yoghurthood and a bag of some kind of nuggets encased in ice at the back of the freezer compartment.

If working at UNIT had taught Osgood anything it was that when you found something horrible looking frozen in ice you didn't unfreeze it.

If people just stopped unfreezing things UNIT would be much less busy.

She sighed. She needed to buy some actual food. And maybe unpack properly.

She had been at the apartment for almost a year but most of her time had been spent at UNIT and with Kate's situation she had been distracted.

The apartment had a sofa with a deep depression in the cushions on one side. She had a pile of duvets on the floor that she used as a bed and a rail for her clothes. A copy of an old Melody Malone mystery, 'The Auton Handshake' lay on the floor beside her bed.

The bedding smelt of sweat, hydraulic fluid and metal. It needed washing.

She should probably wash her Next Gen Counsellor costume as well. The purple one. Just in case.

Osgood decided to catch up with chores while she waited to meet up with Kate at the bar.

Food first. She went to her local supermarket and loaded her basket with microwave meals for one from the Lighthouse Keeper range. Osgood had heard the checkout assistants refer to them as the 'sad and lonely' range. It was telling that several helpline numbers were printed on the packaging.

She came in every week and bought seven of the boxed meals. She was becoming painfully aware that with her bowtie and duffel coat and basket of frozen lasagne she was becoming something of a landmark at the store.

The woman on the checkout saw Osgood's purchases and smirked.

"The usual then dear?"

"I've got a girlfriend! " Blurted Osgood "She just ... doesn't eat.." she tailed off.

"Model is she?"

"Well she is very tall."

The woman looked unconvinced.

Osgood hurried out. Laundry next. A perk of working for UNIT was that she could use the laundry facilities at HQ. She had actually formulated the custom designed detergent herself. Regular commercial brands couldn't touch many of the extra terrestrial stains that UNIT clothing was regularly exposed to. Ood drool for example was a nightmare to get out of cotton blend.

Between her bedding and the number of layers of clothing she usually wore Osgood had a lot of washing to do.

She loaded the machine and said goodbye to her socks knowing that at least one of them would be claimed as a sacrifice by the sock gods.

It was pleasantly cosy in the laundry room. The soft deep rolling hum of the machines combined with the smell of the detergent was soothing. Osgood leaned against the warm vibrating metal of the washer dryer as it entered the spin cycle and started thinking about Kate. She wondered how Kate was getting on at therapy.

The members of the cyber trauma therapy group sat in a loose semi circle. Kate and Oswin stood up. Oswin because she had no choice, Kate because she didn't trust the plastic chairs to handle her weight. The chairs either side of them were conspicuously empty despite the limited space available. 0swin turned to the woman sitting two chairs away.

"WHAT'S YOUR STORY?"

"I tripped over a Cybermat."

"I can't imagine the horror." Said Kate her flat voice and expressionless face not hiding the sarcasm.

"They said it was a rhoomba but I know it was a Cybermat!" added the woman.

Oswins eyestalk swung around and she shared a look with Kate. Oswin made a circling motion with her plunger. Kate nodded.

A lean hard bitten man in his forties stood up and gazed around the group. He moved hesitantly. There was a fragility to his movements at odds with his tough appearance. The man wore faded black military fatigues but the most striking thing about his appearance was his hands and arms exposed by the rolled sleeves of his fatigues. They were the arms of an older model Cyberman. He had clearly endured partial cyber conversion.

"Hi. I'm Lytton, I'm a survivor of the Cyberman."

"Hi Lytton." Chorused the group.

"They...it's so good to be here with you all...with people who understand ...they took so much from me...changed me.." Lytton. Looked down at his arms. The words were hard for him. He had been a brutal mercenary, a killer, baring his vulnerability in public, opening up about his trauma clearly wasn't easy for him. He drew in a shuddering breath.

"Oh stop whining you lightweight." Muttered Kate a little too loud.

"SUCK IT UP CRICKET GLOVES!" added Oswin. Her Dalek voice did not have a quiet setting.

The UNIT appointed therapist Dr Maybury stood up. He was a smoothly athletic young man radiating good health. He looked like an advert for gym membership dressed in a cream linen suit and navy blue shirt.

"Kate we've spoken about this. We all know your experience was extreme but your experience doesn't give you the right to belittle the experiences of others."

"YES IT DOES." replied Oswin. "LOOK AT HER!"

"Oswin what are you even doing here? This group is for survivors of the cybermen, not Daleks. " Asked Maybury.

"She's my emotional support Dalek." Said Kate. She noticed how many of the group flinched at the sound of her artificial voice.
"And It's me who shouldn't be here, I'm not a survivor of the Cybermen. I am a Cyberman."

"Kate we've never talked about your experiences in group." Said the therapist.

"You never share." Protested Lytton.

"I share my opinions."

"Not helpful Kate, I don't want to have to make a negative report to UNIT command. It might restrict your freedoms."

Kate really wished she could still laugh.

"Are you actually threatening me?"

"I just think that your relationship with Osgood might be influencing her to make bad decisions."

"How is Osgood involved in this?"

"She may have to be involved because in my professional opinion she is unable to be objective about you. Resulting in her giving you too much free reign. It's bad for you and bad for her." Said the therapist snidely "We both know Osgood has a number of issues and being in a position of authority is stressful enough for her. I wouldn't want to add to that just because of her choice of partner."

Kate took a step towards the therapist.

"Perhaps you could clarify what you mean by that Dr Maybury?" She asked. Kate's tone of voice and face conveyed no emotion. They couldn't. Maybury certainly didn't pick up on Kate's mood.

Lytton and the group were a little more perceptive. There was a scraping sound as chairs were pushed back and people carefully moved aside.

"I'm obligated to submit reports on your behaviour to UNIT. I'm just concerned that if those reports were negative it might impact Osgood's fragile mental health." Said Maybury with patently false concern in his voice.

Kate took another deliberately heavy step forwards. Oswin glided up beside her.

Dr Maybury had stopped talking. His expression seemed to indicate that he had finally remembered who and what he was talking to.

"DID I EVER TELL YOU HOW EASY IT IS FOR ME TO HACK HUMAN DATA NETWORKS." said Oswin to Kate as casually as she could in her screeching voice.

"So you could find someone's home address?" Asked Kate.

Both of them were staring at Maybury.

"OH EASILY, OR I COULD PUBLISH THE CONTENTS OF THEIR HARD DRIVE JUST TO GIVE A RANDOM EXAMPLE OF MY CAPABILITIES."

"This...this isn't helping your recovery .." said the therapist.

Kate gently reached out and pushed the therapist back down into his chair. She was gentle but despite that he could feel that if he didn't sit she would have folded him into the chair.

"Can we both agree that you bringing Osgood into this was unwise?" Asked Kate. Her big dark teardrop eyes were inches from the man's pale blue gaze. He could smell the metal and plastic scent of her. "Before you answer that I want you to consider that I'm a Cyberman, Oswin is a Dalek, remember everything you've read in the UNIT files about our respective species."

"I ... I shouldn't have mentioned Osgood, it was .... unprofessional." Said Maybury. His voice shook.

Kate straightened up.

"Good. Now in the spirit of cooperation I have decided that I will share with the group. It's only fair."

She turned towards the group. Lytton was still standing but looked a little deflated.

Kate spoke:

"I had my life torn away by the cybermen, they took my body, they cut me up, they took my family from me, my job, most of my relationships, I can't walk down the street without starting a panic, I can't sleep, I can't smile or laugh or eat, I can't even close my eyes, I can never be human or anything close to human again. They took all that from me. But you know what I truly miss? "

Kate gestured helplessly with her big armoured hands. The group watched her with bated breath. Maybury had an eager triumphant look on his face.

"What I truly, truly miss .... "

"Yes?" Urged Maybury.

"What I really miss is ....... having pockets."

Maybury's face fell.

Kate turned to walk out but stopped as she passed Dr Maybury. She leaned in close to him again.

Close enough that his nervous breath misted on the armour of her face. There was nothing human in the blank circles of Kate's eyes. Kate spoke in her bland drone:

"If you threaten Osgood or do anything at all to hurt her or her career they won't find you all at once. Am I clear?"

Maybury nodded not trusting his voice.

Kate strode out. Oswin glided behind her but then abruptly swung back around. Her gun stick squarely targeted Dr Maybury.

"EX..." she screamed. Maybury squealed. There was a sudden scent of fresh urine. Oswin ignored it and continued talking.

"EX..EXCUSE ME BUT I FORGOT TO MENTION I BAKED COOKIES FOR EVERYONE, THEY'RE ON THE TABLE AT THE BACK. ENJOY. GREAT SESSION GUYS." said Oswin.

Unlike Kate Oswin could laugh. It was not a pleasant sound.

The Dalek glided out beside Kate. They walked along the corridor in silence until Kate said:

"Oswin have I ever told you how much I like you."

"OSGOOD IS MY FRIEND TOO. SHE'S TREATS ME LIKE...LIKE I'M OSWIN."

Kate waited for Oswin to make a joke. It didn't happen so Kate asked:

"Does Maybury actually have anything incriminating on his hard drive?"

"HE DOES NOW!" Crowed Oswin.

"We would make excellent villains wouldn't we?"

"I PREFER TO THINK OF US AS OSGOOD'S ANGELS."

Some time ago but not far away Madam Vastra lay in bed with her wife Jenny.

"Why is it so cold?" Protested Vastra. Jenny hugged her.

"Better?"

"Much. These London winters seem to be getting colder."

"Well I'm sure I can warm you up my leaf tinted love."

"I'm sure you can. What would I do without you?"

"Call Miss Clara you verdant vixen?" Teased Jenny.

Vastra pulled an embarrassed face that made Jenny laugh.

"Though my darling I was thinking we might use the time portal to visit The Plungers Rest, our friends will be there and we shan't have to hide behind veils. It would be nice to go somewhere everyone knows our names."

"And they're always glad we came." Agreed Jenny.

"Oh I think I can help with that." Said Vastra reaching across under the covers.

Some time later after warming each other up they dressed in a mix of clothing both Victorian and 21 century. Jenny in particular enjoyed the sartorial freedoms of the future.

Vastra wore a black and red Jurassic park hoodie over a black lace and chiffon gown with a tight bodice.

Jenny wore a white shirt, tweed waistcoat and blue jeans with a pair of UNIT issue tactical boots.

"Is Strax joining us?" Asked Vastra.

"No he's going riding. He's still obsessed with his new penny farthing bicycle he said 'the vehicle conveys an excellent tactical superiority'." Jenny did a good imitation of the Sontarons distinctive tones.

"But he keeps falling off!"

"It doesn't help that he fixed that plasma launcher to the handlebars. I don't know who told him about bicycles in the first place."

"Oh it was those soldiers for hire we worked with on the case of the Kent Road Cannibal Carvery."

"Typical. Bloody mercs." Complained Jenny.

Vastra held out her arm.

"Shall we my dear."

Jenny took the proffered arm.

"We shall my sweet lizard."

The time portal was a simple one setting device. A cheap Dalek made product that the Plungers Rest team had mailed out on their advertising flyers.

The portal allowed time travel but only to and from the bar.

They stepped through and were immediately greeted by the sight of a Cyberman singing a karoake version of Hawkwinds 'Silver Machine'. The voice was a rough monotone drone really not suited to singing.

"That's not Kate." Said Jenny.

"How did you know?" Said Kate walking up behind them.

"Miss Osgood told us you would be wearing pink." Said Jenny indicating the duct tape binding Kate's shoulder.
"It suits you." Said Jenny cheekily. "Is Osgood here?"

"Not yet. My trauma therapy session finished early. Osgood should be here soon. Oswin is by the bar talking sproutball with Mr Octopus."

"Sproutball?" Queried Jenny.

"It's a Dalek thing, you'll find out later. They're showing the match live." Said Kate.

"Kate, you attend trauma counselling?" Asked Vastra with concern in her voice.

"Well for me it's more about giving than receiving."

They were interrupted as they had to step aside for a Dalek rolling past. The Dalek differed to the standard warrior design, it had a much larger bulging upper dome.

"Is that the supreme Dalek?" Asked Kate impressed and a little worried to see Dalek royalty at the bar.

"No, just a regular Dalek but he's put on a lot of weight since he got left behind on earth, don't mention it, he's very sensitive." Explained the Karaoke Cyberman walking over to join them.

Kate had met the bar owner a few times. It was always a strange experience. Unlike her the Cyberman had no memory of it's human origins it had simply gotten tired of following the cyber controller and left. A decision aided by damage to it's emotion regulator.

"That was an interesting performance." Said Jenny diplomatically.

"I am awful, you think we would have auto tune built in." Said the Cyberman. "Kate I wanted to ask you for some advice. Cyberman to Cyberman."

Vastra and Jenny paid attention. This promised to be interesting.

"You have a name." Said the Cyberman "I think I should have a name as well. Even Mr Octopus has a name."

"Don't you recall your human name?"

"No but I was thinking what about 'Big Silver'?"

"Maybe not."

"What about 'Hiho'? Like 'Hiho Silver'." Suggested Osgood as she walked in to join them.

Kate turned toward Osgood. She felt herself smiling but she realised nothing would show on her face.

"Osgood." She said by way of greeting. She tried to force the warmth and pleasure she felt at Osgood's arrival into her voice but only the usual drone came out.

Osgood's answering smile assured Kate that she got it.

"Hiho, It's on topic, I like it." Said the Cyberman. "It's going on my list of possibles."

"Or Cybele?" Suggested Jenny.

"It doesn't have to be strictly Cyberman themed. " Said Kate "You could be called anything."

"That's right you can have any handle you want." Said Osgood.

Kate stared at her. "It's lucky you are so cute." She said.

Osgood beamed.

Vastra had gone to get drinks she returned with a tray holding three glasses of murky brown fluid.

"Mine has a nail in it." Protested Jenny. "Not that I don't appreciate you fetching the drinks my beautiful viridian virtuoso."

Oswin glided over.

"WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?"

"Cyberman needs a name." Said Osgood.

"What about Hawk wind? After your song." Said a new voice. It was the woman Claire having overheard them from her table. She froze when they turned to look at her.

Kate took a moment to look at the group. She felt a warm feeling inside which for once wasn't her reactor.

It was going to be a good night.

Chapter 23: Monsters only!

Chapter Text

"Why can't I go?" Protested Osgood "I go to Plungers all the time, everyone there knows my name and they're always glad I came."

"IT'S NOT PERSONAL ITS JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE HUMAN." explained Oswin.

"But Kate's going."

Oswin's eyestalk swung around to look at Kate's silver armoured form then back to Osgood.

"DON'T EVER CHANGE."

Kate, Osgood and Oswin were sitting together in the UNIT break room discussing an upcoming event that was being held at the Plungers Rest bar.

Kate and Oswin had both received invitations which made it clear that this was strictly a monsters only event. The wording on the invite had been relatively tactful but Kate had still felt mildly disturbed at being included on the invite:

"Mr Octopus productions and the Plungers Rest team are proud to invite all our non human patrons to our inaugural Monster safety talk. Be there or be human. Refreshments provided."

Obviously Kate knew what she was. Seven feet of alloys, metal, plastic encasing a distressingly small remnant of her original body. She was a Cyberman. By most human standards she was a monster. She had referred to herself as such often enough but deep down she still thought of herself as Kate the human turned Cyberman not just Kate the Cyberman.

She'd said as much to Oswin.

"WELL SO FAR WE HAVE BOTH BEEN HUMAN LONGER THAN WE'VE BEEN DALEKS OR CYBERMEN. WE'LL PROBABLY FEEL DIFFERENT IN A HUNDRED YEARS."

Kate had said something noncommittal in reply. Oswin had made the comment casually. Just a light throwaway remark but it had hit Kate hard.

Of course she knew Cybermen were effectively immortal and Daleks lived a very long time. She just hadn't thought about that aspect of her new life. She hadn't thought about the people in her life who weren't going to live that long.

She thought about her family. Selfish thoughts she knew. They had Nate, the Zygon filling her family role so much better than she had. But knowing her family was still there, knowing she could still go and see them, having that option, it was a great comfort.

And Osgood. What would she do without Osgood?

At that moment Kate was very glad of her limited emotional range. Even so she felt a strange pain which she had a horrible feeling was the phantom sensation of trying to cry without tear ducts.

A little ironic given the teardrop design of her eyes.

She could make Osgood like her. Turn Osgood into a Cyberman.

Kate genuinely didn't know if that was her thought or a Cyberbrain imperative. It scared her not knowing because it felt like a good idea.

Of everyone she knew Osgood might be okay with that. Kate was struggling to think of reasons why it would be wrong.

It would be though wouldn't it?

To make those she loved strong and have them live forever. How could that be wrong?

And still Kate didn't know if those were her thoughts or some aspect of the Cyberman base program.

Maybe both.

I could ask Osgood. Ask her if she would want it thought Kate.

But not now. It was too much to think about.

No, said a cold logical part of her. It was an easy decision. Why even ask? Osgood might say no. Why take that chance? It would be for her own good. Eternal youth.

Kate knew that wasn't her. She would never do that to Osgood without permission. That was the line she wouldn't cross.

She felt the pressure in her mind recede. Perhaps she would ask Osgood. She would make her know the option existed. She suspected Osgood already knew although Kate had been quiet about her capability to make other Cybermen. She hadn't wanted UNIT any more nervous about her than they already were.

Osgood would know though. Osgood knew a great deal about Kate's body. Perhaps she was just waiting to be asked?

But if she wasn't waiting to be asked and Kate asked, what would that do to them? What kind of strain would that put on their relationship. Would Osgood feel pressure not to leave Kate? An obligation to accept conversion just to help Kate.

Kate felt the memory of nausea at that thought.

She consigned the internal discussion to a subroutine in her Cyberbrain and fixed her attention on the conversation Osgood and Oswin were having.

"What if I tell them I'm a monster identifying human?" Suggested Osgood.

"THEY'RE NOT EVEN LETTING ZYGONS GO IN HUMAN FORM. IT'S ALL ABOUT CREATING A SAFE SPACE FOR MONSTERS TO TALK."

"Seems a bit weird they call themselves monsters." Pondered Osgood. She was wondering why Kate was being so quiet.

"THEY'RE RECLAIMING THE TERM. LOOK IF YOU REALLY WANT TO GO I COULD LOAN YOU ONE OF MY SPARE CASINGS. IT WOULD BE A LITTLE TIGHT ON YOU BUT I THINK YOU COULD PULL IT OFF."

Oswin kept her spare casings in a deadlocked B.O.T.I storage unit currently sitting in the UNIT archives.

They walked in. Osgood admired the row of empty Dalek casings.

"THE WHITE AND GOLD IS A NIGHTMARE TO KEEP CLEAN. AS SOON AS I PUT IT ON I END UP SPILLING SOMETHING ON IT. I DON'T KNOW HOW THOSE IMPERIAL DALEKS MANAGE."

"What about the grey one?" Said Osgood running her hand over the grey and black Dalek casing.

"IF YOU LIKE ITS GOT OLD SKOOL COOL BUT IT'S A BIT DULL. WHY NOT GO FULL RETRO?"

Osgoods eyes widened as she saw the red, gold and black Dalek casing.

"Can I ?!"

"I CALL IT THE PARTY DALEK. COMES WITH A CLAW ACCESSORY."

Kate was looking around as well. She noticed a row of bulbous primary coloured plastic looking casings.

"The new Dalek paradigm?" She asked.

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING. IT WAS AN IMPULSE BUY, THEY WERE ON SPECIAL OFFER BUT THEY ARE COMFORTABLE. VERY ROOMY."

But Osgood was too excited about the sixties design. Oswin made a few adjustments and opened the casing. Osgood clambered eagerly inside. A waft of incense met her from the open casing.

"Why does it smell so herbal in here?"

"IT WAS THE SIXTIES MAN."

"It's quite relaxing."

"CAREFUL WITH THE GUN. IT'S ON THE STEAM CLEAN SETTING."

"THERE'S A TIN OF TRAVEL SWEETS IN HERE AND SOME SHERBERT DIB DABS." said Osgood from within the Dalek.

"HELP YOURSELF."

The Dalek rolled forwards into a wall.

"WHOOPS."

"Are you okay in there?"

"IT'S A LITTLE CRAMPED AND ITS GETTING VERY WARM." said Osgood.

"THAT'S WHY I ALWAYS GO NAKED." said Oswin.

"HOLD ON." said Osgood.

There was the sound of movement from inside the Dalek then the casing opened a crack and Osgoods arm emerged holding a pile of clothing.

"Kate could you take these please." Said Osgood. Wordlessly Kate took the clothes and Osgood resealed the casing.

"OH THAT IS BETTER." the red Dalek wiggled happily.

Oswin turned to Kate.

"YOU'RE SO TURNED ON RIGHT NOW AREN'T YOU?" she asked.

"In a confused way but yes." Admitted Kate looking down at Osgood's discarded clothing.

Osgood continued to practice her driving but kept running into things.

"SLOW YOUR ROLL." suggested Oswin.

"WHAT DO I DO IF I NEED THE BATHROOM?"

"THERE'S A HATCH IN THE FLOOR. I USUALLY JUST ROLL OVER A DRAIN COVER."

"SO CONVENIENT!"

The three of them headed out through the sewer access to reach the Plungers Rest bar. It said a lot about UNIT that they Kate, Oswin and Osgood didn't attract much attention as the moved through the base. Osgood did accidentally steam clean part of a hallway carpet but honestly it needed doing and nobody minded.

The Plungers Rest bar was squatting inside a disused roller rink. The furniture had mostly been salvaged or had fallen off the back of a UFO giving the place the look of a picnic site at a scrapyard.

Osgood maneuvered her Dalek casing over to the bar. She ordered a drink then realised she hadn't really thought that through.

"AND A STRAW PLEASE. CURLY IF YOU'VE GOT IT."

While she waited a bronzed Dalek warrior glided up beside her.

"I LOVE THE 60'S LOOK. DO YOU COME HERE OFTEN?"

"YES BUT I DON'T USUALLY DRESS UP."

"WELL THEN IT'S MY LUCKY NIGHT, WHAT SAY AFTER THE TALK WE GO BACK TO MY PLACE AND I SHOW YOU MY MASTER PLAN?"

"UMMM.."

Kate interrupted forcefully, her cybergun extended.

"She's with me."

"HEY IT'S ALL GOOD. I JUST DIDN'T REALISE SHE WAS INTO BIPEDS THAT ALL."

The Dalek rolled off.

"IT'S THE CASING, THE RED AND GOLD DRIVES THEM CRAZY." said Oswin.

They took their places in the crowd that had gathered to hear the talk. There was a mix of species. Many Osgood recognized but there were plenty she didn't. Some looked like they didn't get out much.

The owners, the Dalek known as Mr Octopus and his Cyberman partner Hawkwind had set up a small stage area.

The Cyberman Kroton was just finishing his set. Hawkwind took to the stage.

"Let's give a big appendage for Kroton, the Cyberman with a soul! And now on to our main event.

It's great to see such a diverse group of monsters here tonight. I want to thank all of you for coming out of your lairs, subterranean dungeons, dimensional portals, haunted castles, crashed space cruisers, hibernation crypts and laboratories."

There was applause from the crowd. Everyone looked away a moment so the weeping angels could clap too with a noise like paving slabs banging together.

"And for those of you joining us online can you all hear me?"

Mr Octopus had set up a big monitor screen on the wall and it was briefly flooded with reaction icons. A cloud of yellow cartoon thumbs up, small grey plunger emoticons and waving green claws.

"Excellent but could you please mute your microphones until the Q&A section. I can still hear some background noise. Would the banshee please mute your microphone. Mute....its the little picture of the microphone...yes that's it .. thank you.

Tonight's topic is monster safety when interacting with humans. Now I know most of you are have experience with humans. Maybe you came here hoping to invade or you just need somewhere warm to lay your eggs or you stopped at earth to get a snack. Maybe you just need the Earth's core. Yes I'm looking at you Daleks.

Whatever your plans here are a few simple tips to make sure you can have fun and stay safe.

So if someone will turn off the lights we can start the presentation. No not you Mothra...could someone please get Mothra away from the light bulb...okay...thank you.

Now our first tip should be an obvious one.

Just because you are bulletproof it doesn't mean you should walk slowly towards your victims. Yes I know it's intimidating and who doesn't love that look in their eyes when they see their puny bullets bouncing ineffectually off your armoured hide. But remember humans are sneaky at some point they will build a death ray or something that can actually hurt or they will just get lucky and make contact with your sensitive parts.

Stop snigg*ring Medusa. This is a serious topic. A lot of good monsters have lost their lives walking slowly towards humans with their arms outstretched. So take this simple advice. Don't walk, run!

I realise that it's a macho thing for some members of our community to slowly intimidatingly walk through a hail of bullets and I won't deny it looks bad ass. I've done it myself but don't give those trigger happy humans the chance to find your weak spot.

This leads me to our next tip.

The pick up and throw. We're all familiar with this one. You're fighting a human. You could literally tear them in halves or bite their head off or do any number of lethal things but then we get that urge.

No, not that urge Medusa.

Come on don't be ashamed we all get the urge, you know the one, that urge to throw our victim against a wall or through a window. Now you might think being thrown against something hard by a super strong monster would cause horrible injuries to a human but for some reason it never does.

They always just get right up and run away or take the opportunity to grab a weapon. When you throw them you're basically just giving them a head start. Don't do it!

So be safe remember: should I throw? Hell no! Say it with me: should I throw? Hell no!"

"SHOULD I THROW HELL NO!" shouted Osgood enthusiastically from her Dalek casing. Oswin and Kate looked at her.

"Great energy in the room tonight guys." Continued Hawkwind.

"Now I know we've got some world class sneakers and stalkers here. I say use those skills guys. Don't just pick off a few sentries and get co*cky and confront the hero head on. Stick with your strengths. Pick those humans off from the trees and shadows if you can. You don't have to have the big one on one confrontation that humans seem to love. Don't play their game, don't let the humans dictate the narrative!

Be a take charge monster! You're the hero of your story not some fool in a beret or a tight suit.

That includes not running into machine gun fire. I know some of our more insectile colleagues love the mass swarm approach. And yes I know it's easy to get carried away when you're out with your buddies. I'm looking at you xenomorph. No don't stick your tongue out at me, you know how you get when you're out on a girls night.

Just because there are thousands of you doesn't mean you want to get killed! Don't just charge at those star ship troopers! Sneak up behind them. Remember it might be you that gets shot with a caseless round.

This brings us to the serious subject of home invasion. Humans just love getting in our lairs, stomping about in our hives. All too often we give them the benefit of the doubt and let them wander around our cube or nest. My advice: eat them or assimilate them immediately. It's not worth taking the chance. Sure you might accidentally eat an innocent scientist or explorer but it's a small price to pay for safety.

Humans aren't an endangered species, some of us here tonight are. Let's remember that. No one wants to be the last of their kind.

If you must bring a live human to your lairs then please please make sure they are properly restrained. Don't just stick them in an egg sac and hope for the best. We've all lost friends because a human revived unexpectedly.

A quick word about victim choice. Just because the human is skinny, scantily dressed and super hot doesn't mean they are a suitable target. Wooden stakes, leather cat suits and large firearms are all red flags. Chances are if you see someone who looks like a super model walking around your territory they will turn out to be a heavily armed martial arts expert so resist the temptation.

Sorry Smaug the whole damsel in distress thing is likely to be a trap. Humans just don't sacrifice pretty eligible young things anymore. I know, we all miss the days of half naked victims left tied up for us but you can't fight progress.

Okay pop quiz: You spot a group of five humans. Four are heavily armed, wearing military gear. The fifth is a unarmed eccentrically dressed civilian. Who do you eat first?"

There was some debate among the crowd. Questions were called out.

"Is the human wearing a bow tie?"

"Do they have a large rucksack?"

"Are they wearing a leather swimsuit?"

Hawkwind resumed speaking.

"I think we all know you eat the civilian first. The soldiers might be tough but how many times has the seemingly harmless civilian been the one to figure out our weakness?"

"Like you explode when you hear a baby cry!!" Jeered a bannerman heckler.

"That happened once!" Shouted Hawkwind.

"Anyway let's move on.

Building safety is also important. No matter how good the view you shouldn't be climbing landmarks. Remember it's not the fall it's the landing that kills you.

No don't everyone look at Kong, he's not the only one to make this mistake.

Yes lots of us have fallen off a rooftop onto a metal railing or some other conveniently spikey architecture. Make sure your lair is up to code and cover up any sharp objects. Also, and I shouldn't have to say this, but don't nest near active volcanoes. I know it's nice and warm but it'll end badly.

I don't want to put you off having fun with humans. They're not all bad. Just remember these tips and you can have safe fun.

Some humans even enjoy the company of monsters. If you are the type who likes sticking your ovipositor or other appendage in a human, and I'm not judging, love is love, I'm no monster elitist. But please be careful. Make sure you meet up somewhere safe away from torches, pitchforks, fires and steep drops.

Now I hope this was helpful. So go have fun and hey, monsters, let's be careful out there."

Osgood, Kate and Oswin headed home after the talk. The Q&A at the end had gotten disturbingly specific. They had decided to leave during the best places to lay an egg segment of the discussion and anyway Osgood was getting cramp.

Back at the B.O.T.I storage unit Osgood climbed out of the Dalek casing. Kate handed Osgood her clothes. The sight of a naked Osgood emerging from the Dalek had caused confusing feelings.

Oswin had a similar reaction and wondered if she still had Jo Grants phone number.

"So how do you like being an honorary monster?" Asked Kate.

Osgood smiled and took her hand.

"Being a Dalek for the night was strangely fun. Maybe one day I'll go as a Cyberman."

Kate said nothing. Osgood squeezed her hand.

"You were bound to think it sometime." Said Osgood.

"Are you psychic?"

"I don't think so. I just know you."

"And?"

"I'm not saying never. Just not tonight."

Kate nodded.

Osgood smiled.

"Now I need a shower. I smell of Dalek sweat and Joss sticks. Help wash my back?"

"I'M STILL HERE YOU KNOW." protested Oswin but Kate and Osgood were already leaving.

Oswin sighed and dialed a number.

"HEY JO, DOING ANYTHING? WANT TO COME OVER AND WATCH BAKE OFF?"

Chapter 24: Fondue of the Daleks

Chapter Text

Following the unfortunate incident with the Toymaker UNIT had had safety railings fitted around the Galvanic Beam platform.

To celebrate there was a small party in the UNIT break room.

Oswin provided the catering with a selection of doll head shaped cup cakes and a cheese fondue.

Kate was feeling rather cheated that she couldn't eat but she was enjoying watching Osgood attempt to not drip molten cheese on herself.

"Where did you get the fondue set?" She asked.

"I WON IT ON THE REGENERATION GAME." said Oswin.

The party wound down after a few hours. Oswin volunteered to tidy up.

Kate didn't sleep and she would usually help with the clean up. However based on Osgood's blushing Oswin guessed that Kate had other plans for that night that clearly didn't involve sleeping.

Oswin didn't mind she had plans of her own.

Her eyestalk swung from side to side as she made sure she was alone. Then she opened her casing with a hiss of pressure releasing and crawled out.

With one tentacle she tested the temperature of the fondue. Not too hot, just right.

She climbed into the warm liquid cheese with a sigh of pleasure. Oswin leaned back in the fondue bowl. She rested her upper tentacles over the edge of the bowl and let herself sink down into the gooey warm cheese.

This was the life!

She reached down the outside of the bowl with one tentacle to turn the heat up slightly.

She felt the stress of the day melt away as she reclined in her cheese bath.

Kate walked in suddenly. Oswin sat up in the fondue bowl.

Kate had seen some things in her life with UNIT but this was new.

"It really opens up the pores." Said Oswin by way of explanation.

Kate hesitated.

"I just came to get some strawberries." She said in her flat robotic voice.

Not for the first time she was glad of her lack of expression.

There was another awkward pause.

"Why don't you forget you saw this and I won't ask what you're going to do with those strawberries."

"That seems acceptable." Agreed Kate.

Kate left with the Strawberries. Oswin relaxed into her bath once more. She considered the limitations of Cyberman physiology. What exactly were they going to do with the Strawberries?

Knowing Osgood it was possible she was just hungry.

An hour later and Osgood was drifting off into sleep lulled into dreamland by a large quantity of fondue, some strawberries and a certain amount of enjoyable physical activity.

As she slept she dreamed. Her cheese clouded mind dreamt feverish cheese dreams and from his prison in another dimension the Toymaker reached out spectral claws to make Osgood's dreams his own.

But still Osgood dreamed her own dreams .............

In a time of legends when monsters walk the earth and dragons terrorize the skies she is mankind's last hope:

Osgood Warrior Princess

You better pray that she's still out there....

YOU are the mighty warrior Osgood Meepslayer.

Your quest has brought you to the Plungers Rest. A tavern in a bad part of a bad land. A place of hard-bitten adventurers and ruthless sell swords. A place where life is cheap but death can still command a price.

You sit at the worn bar staring into nothingness. Your ale tankard rests on the counter before you, the curly straw untouched.

Your muscular body is clad in battered brown leather armour beneath a dusty white cloak.

Your battle scarred face is half hidden by the long sweep of your raggedly cut chestnut hair. A bow tie of red dragon hide adorns your throat.

Your blade
hangs across your back a brutal butchers tool that has seen much use. A razor edged chakram hangs at your belt ready to taste blood or ricochet in an improbable fashion.

A pair of strange squat metal creatures nervously approach you. Each creature resembles a salt shaker with two stick like arms. They have no legs but glide forward on hairy bases by some arcane sorcery.

"WHY DO WE HAVE HAIRY BASES?" squawks one of the creatures.

"ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BE HOBBITS?" asks the other.

You recognise the strange beasts as Hobbit Daleks, Dobbits, a peaceful species with a love of baking and planetary cores. They clearly do not belong in this bar of drunks and murderous bravadoes.

"ARE YOU THE ONE THEY CALL MEEPSLAYER? I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!" says the nearest Dobbit.

Do you admit that you are the infamous Meepslayer? Go to 3.

Or

Claim that you are just a Zygon duplicate? Go to 7.

3. THREE

"Aye, I am Meepslayer, now leave me be." You growl. You turn and fix the Dobbit with an unnervingly direct stare. Your hair falls back exposing clawmarks scarring the side of her your face.

"I'VE SEEN MOVIES. WE DON'T WANT HER, WE WANT THE ONE WHO GAVE HER THE SCAR." says the first Dobbit to it's companion.

You smirk and raise one toned leg up on the bar top displaying your white fur trimmed boots.

"I'm wearing the one who gave me this scar." You snarl.

"PLEASE EXCUSE MY COMPANION MR OCTOPUS, I AM OSWIN OF SKAROSHIRE, WE ARE SIMPLE FOLK, OUR VILLAGE IS BEING TERRORIZED BY THE EVIL GIANT SILVERHANDLES. WE NEED YOUR HELP!"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SIMPLE?"

"PLEASE HELP US MEEPSLAYER YOUR'E OUR ONLY HOPE! THE GIANT LIVES BY THE LETH BRIDGE AND ALLOWS NONE TO ENTER OUR VILLAGE!"

Do you agree to help? Go to 5.

Refuse to help? Go to 15.

Ask what the pay is? Go to 11.

4. FOUR

You are confused what happened? How did you end up in this place? None of the entries lead here. Could it be the work of the Toymaker?! Go to 231

5. FIVE

You agree to accompany the Dobbit's to their village and save them from the evil giant Silverhandles of the Lethbridge.

Do you depart immediately trusting in your wits and your blade? Go to 67.

Or do you first seek the counsel of the Purple Witch? Go to 29.

7. SEVEN

"Call me not Meepslayer, I am but her twin. The Meepslayer fell to the Purple Witch many moons ago. Now leave me be!"

The Dobbit's eyestalks droop in disappointment.

"WELL THAT IS LEGITIMATELY DISAPPOINTING, OUR VILLAGE IS DOOMED."

"I GUESS WE'RE MISSING BAKE OFF THIS YEAR."

You return to your drink. The Dobbit's turn away. One of them jostles a grizzled roman legionnaire as they pass. He roars with fury.

"Tu mihi sextarium effuderis pepperpot!"

He pushes the Dobbit who knocks over a table.

Someone throws a punch.

Someone breaks a chair over them.

Someone else is thrown through the window.

Clearly it's all kicking off.

You ignore the expanding brawl until someone bumps into you and your drink sloshes over the rim of your tankard.

You turn slowly. The bar goes quiet.

The piano player gets up and leaves town.

The undertaker hovers expectantly by the door with his tape measure ready.

Do you demonstrate your particular set of skills on the bar room brawlers? Go to 9.

Or

Walk away from trouble (if you can). Go to 13.

9. NINE

You turn towards the bannerman who spilled your drink.

"I'm going to fight you with just my left thumb." You threaten in a low dangerous voice.

"Your left thumb?" He is baffled.

"My right is too powerful for you."

Someone laughs.

"I don't think it's nice you laughing..." You hiss.

It's definitely on now... River Song hen night style on. The worst kind of on.

A few grapically violent moments later only you and the Dobbit's are still standing.

"YOU REALLY ARE THE MEEPSLAYER YOU HAVE TO HELP US!" pleads Oswin the Dobbit.

Do you relent and agree to help? Go to 5.

Ask what the pay is. Go to 11.

Continue to refuse to help. Go to 15

11. ELEVEN

"I don't show my steel for free." You growl.

"WE'D HEARD THAT ABOUT YOU." says Dobbit Oswin.

"OURS IS BUT A POOR VILLAGE BUT WE WILL GIVE YOU EVERYTHING WE HAVE. INCLUDING A SIGNED PAIR OF FOURTH DOCTOR UNDERPANTS."

You've been offered a lot for your work before but never everything and never a signed pair of fourth doctor underpants.

Do you accept? Go to 5.

Or refuse? Go to 15.

13: THIRTEEN

To escape the mayhem of the bar you decide to accompany the Dobbits on their quest. Go to 5.

15. FIFTEEN

"Nay, I do not ply that savage trade anymore. Look elsewhere for salvation." You say bleakly as you drain your tankard.

"YUL BRYNNER WOULDN'T HAVE SAID NO!" Complains Mr Octopus.

The two Dobbit's leave quickly as you glare at them.

"MAYBE WE CAN ASK VICTORIA OF THE WATER FIELDS INSTEAD."

"VICIOUS VICKI? SHE SCARES ME IN A WAY THAT IS STRANGELY EXCITING."

"I HEAR SHE'S HANGING OUT WITH RED SONJA."

"LETS GO."

You remain in the bar, drinking to forget. You can't remember why.

Your quest is over. Go to 231.

18. EIGHTEEN

"Then answer me this mighty Meepslayer. What is the answer the the riddle of steel?"

How do you answer?

"Ask Sapphire." Go to 52

"42." Go to...oh you guess...

"Crush your enemies
See them driven before you
And hear the lamentation
Of their women

An open steep
A fleet of horse
Falcons at your wrist
And the wind on your hair

These are a few of my favorite things." Go to 300.

19. NINETEEN

"Let us parlay." You say. "I am Osgood."

"The Meepslayer? I thought you were dead!" Says the giant "You are more beautiful than the legends tell."

"Right back at you handles." You say. You feel a strange connection to this metal creature.

"The Dobbits have sent me, they say you have been terrorizing their village. What say you?"

"Honestly? I just got bored living under a bridge. It's not an ideal environment for a giant. Lots of overheads. I kept catching my handles on things. They're so sore. I suppose I just took it out on the Dobbits."

"I could rub your handles for you, it might help." You offer. You feel strangely warm.

A few days later you walk into the Dobbits village.

"IS THE THREAT OVER? DID YOU HANDLE THE GIANT?"

You nod. It's not technically a lie.

Your quest ends here. Go to 231.

26. TWENTY SIX

You draw your weapons with practiced speed and roar your battle cry:

"There can be only one!"

The giant stares at you with it's blank metal face.

"Really? Coming from you? Keeper of the Osgood Box?"

"What do you know of my box?" You demand with the forlorn hope that this won't descend into crude innuendo but it is already too late.

"Only that it is legendary. You are the Meepslayer are you not? I thought you dead!"

"I got better. Now fight me you silver plated vixen!"

"What?"

"I got caught up in the moment. Now face my chakram!"

"Do you not cut yourself using that thing?"

"Constantly."

"We need not be foes Meepslayer. Is it not better to make love than war?"

"Well it's been a while." You admit but the Silver giants words are curiously compelling. You follow it into its lair.

A few enjoyable days later you visit the village of the Dobbits.

They are busy painting the road yellow for reasons beyond your ken.

"MEEPSLAYER! WHAT NEWS OF THE GIANT? HAVE YOU LAID IT LOW?" they squawk.

"In a manner of speaking." You admit.

This might be an awkward conversation.

Your quest ends here. Go to 231.

29. TWENTY NINE.

You mount your trusty steed Voyager and ride to the lair of Missy, the Purple Witch. An ancient creature steeped in evil sorceries, forbidden law and rampant sexuality.

Your feelings about her are somewhat conflicted.

You tell her that you seek her wisdom to vanquish the giant Silverhandles of the Lethbridge.

"Ooh look at you. I thought you were dead! Osgood all butch in your leather leotard, does Leela know you're borrowing her clothes?

Well I do have a little something that might help you but first I need you to do something for me." She smiles coquettishly.

This seems mildly disturbing.

Do you agree to help her? Go to 18.

Draw your sword and threaten her? Go to 45.

42. FORTY TWO

Your reply angers the Purple Witch.

"Your references are dated!! Are you implying I'm old?? I'm barely in my second millennia!! You will pay for your rudeness!!"

She turns and gestures at you with a mystic device. You feel yourself suddenly shrinking.

"I banish you to the sixteenth hell reserved for the damned and those who use emojis in work E mails! May they ever be uncertain as to what exactly their fate means!!"

You are doomed to eternity shrunken to the size of an action figure. It's bad but at least Barbie seems friendly.

Your quest is over. Go to 231.

45. FORTY FIVE

You don't want to consider what Missy might ask of you. She seems the type to take liberties. Witches cannot be trusted.

And you're not that sort of girl. Although you did watch Charmed after Jenny recommended the mermaid episode.

But you digress. You draw your sword with a hiss of steel on oiled leather.

"Really? Little Osgood is threatening me?! Oh whatever shall I do?" Missy does not seem as scared as you hoped.

She turns and gestures at you with a mystic device. You feel yourself suddenly shrinking.

"I banish you to the sixteenth hell reserved for the damned and those who use emojis in work E mails! May they ever be uncertain as to what exactly their fate means!!"

You are doomed to eternity shrunken to the size of an action figure. It's bad but at least Barbie seems friendly.

Your quest is over. Go to 231.

50. FIFTY

You puff on the magic inhaler given to you by the Purple Witch.

You feel it's effects almost immediately but they are not what you expected.

Your body feels curiously warm, excited even. Somewhere in the background you hear the sound of the famed bard Barry White.

The silver giant has taken on a softer aspect. The silver armour overlaid with the image of an elegant blonde haired woman.

You feel an intense attraction to the giant. You drop your weapons and step forwards as if in a dream.

That capering purple idiot has given you a love spell by mistake.

Thankfully Silverhandles seems good with that.

Your quest ends in a passionate embrace. Go to 231.

52. FIFTY TWO

Your reply appears to anger the Purple Witch. She turns on you with fury.

"Your references are dated!! Are you implying I'm old?? I'm barely in my second millennia!! You will pay for your rudeness!!"

She turns and gestures at you with a mystic device. You feel yourself suddenly shrinking.

"I banish you to the sixteenth hell reserved for the damned and those who use emojis in work E mails! May they ever be uncertain as to what exactly their fate means!!"

You are doomed to eternity shrunken to the size of an action figure. It's bad but at least Barbie seems friendly.

Your quest is over. Go to 231.

67. SIXTY SEVEN

You ride Voyager to the valley of the Lethbridge, lair of the giant Silverhandles.

You dismount and stride up the dusty path towards the giants lair.

The rocks around you are covered with scorch marks and increasingly littered with discarded armour and broken weapons.

You notice a fez with a hole in it and a discarded black cowboy hat.

You are clearly not the first warrior sent to deal with this beast.

It emerges from beneath the bridge. A silver armoured giant with two curved handle like horns. It's very body appears to be metal.

It strides forwards.

"Fi, fi, fo fum I smell the blood of a Englishwoman or maybe a Zygon, it's hard to tell. Especially as I don't have a nose."

There is a curious cold beauty to the hard smooth planes of the giants body.

If you have the magic inhaler you can use it now if you wish. Go to 50

Or you can attack with your sword and chakram. Go to 26

Or you can talk to the giant. Go to 19

93. NINETY THREE

Bad choice. Missy is furious.

"You mock the covenant of Poppins with your credible accent!! Have you no respect for tradition?"

She turns and gestures at you with a mystic device. You feel yourself suddenly shrinking.

"I banish you to the sixteenth hell reserved for the damned and those who use emojis in work E mails! May they ever be uncertain as to what exactly their fate means!!"

You are doomed to eternity shrunken to the size of an action figure. It's bad but at least Barbie seems friendly.

Your quest is over. Go to 231.

107. ONE HUNDRED AND SEVEN

"You honor all that is Poppins with your risible accent. May you ever find work in Guy Ritchie movies. I shall assist you in your quest young warrior. Take this enchanted inhaler, use it in times of great need and it will give you the strength of a million Judoon. For is it not written that a spoonful of sugar to 'elp the medicine go down - medicine go dow-wown, medicine go down."

That's a lot of Judoon. Missy hands you a glowing golden inhaler. You place it in your pack.

Go to 67.

231. TWO HUNDRED AND THIRTY ONE

Osgood woke drenched in cheese scented sweat. She reached out in the darkness feeling the reassuring metallic bulk of Kate alongside her.

"I had the strangest dream." She panted.

"No more cheese before bedtime for you." Cautioned Kate flatly.

"That fondue did taste a little strange, sort of daleky."

300. THREE HUNDRED

"Well spoken if derivative young warrior, and you were wise to appeal to my Mary Poppins fetish. Now can you do a convincing co*ckney accent?"

Yes? Go to 93

No? Go to 107

Chapter 25: The truth about plungers

Chapter Text

Osgood was working in her lab at UNIT HQ.

Okay it wasn't technically 'her' lab but she spent enough time there to claim squatters rights so she felt she had a good legal basis for her claim.

She was working in 'the' lab at UNIT HQ when the door was pushed open by a Dalek plunger.

Osgood watched with interest but with a fallback position of utter bowel loosening terror if this turned out not to be Oswin or Mr Octopus.

It got more interesting as no Dalek immediately followed the plunger. Just more plunger.

Osgood had never seen a plunger extended so far. She was aware that the metal of the plunger shaft was a flexible liquid metal poly alloy capable of huge extension and flexibility but she'd never seen it used like this.

The plunger extended further moving around the room like a curious tentacle. Finally it paused by a part dismantled anti grave drive system. The sucker tip of the plunger extruded several delicate probes and began sorting through the components.

Osgood carefully walked past the long curving shaft of the plunger and followed it out into the corridor and then down a flight of stairs.

A Dalek and a Cyberman waited at the foot of the stairs.

Osgood let out a small sigh of relief. The Dalek looked like any other warrior Dalek except it had 'mutant on board' and 'honk if you love planetary cores' bumper stickers on its bronze coloured chassis.

The Cyberman standing beside it was wearing a UNIT ID on a lanyard but Osgood immediately recognised Kate. The Cyberman had a slightly different shade of silver grey across one shoulder where it's arm had been reattached.

Oswin's plunger was extended up the stairwell.

"What's happening?" Asked Osgood curiously.

"NOTHING." said Osgood.

"She's embarrassed." Said Kate. Her face was blank. She didn't have much choice about that but this time she was grateful for it.

"I AM NOT EMBARRASSED."

"She got hit with a Movellan anti Dalek round. Her antigrav failed. She can't get up the stairs."

Oswin's eyestalk swivelled round to point at Kate.

"IF YOU LAUGH I WILL EXTERMINATE YOU." she promised.

"I'm physically incapable of laughing." Said Kate.

"YOU'RE LAUGHING ON THE INSIDE I CAN TELL!!"

"Would I?"

"I WANT TO KNOW WHICH IDIOT DECIDED TO KEEP THE ANTIGRAV SPARES AT THE TOP OF A FLIGHT OF STAIRS?"

"You could have used the lift." Said Osgood mildly.

"IT'S A DALEK THING YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND."

"I offered to carry her up." Said Kate.

"Could you?" asked Osgood. "I mean without antigravs Daleks are pretty heavy."

"WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING?!"

"Or you could have left your casing." Suggested Osgood quickly changing the subject.

"THE DOOR IS STUCK."

"Or asked for help?"

"I'M A DALEK!!!"

"Well can't you self repair?"

"YES BUT IT TAKES TIME. I DON'T WANT TO MISS THE MOVIE AT PLUNGERS TONIGHT."

"Oh, what are they showing?"

"MR OCTOPUS HAS GOT FUTURE TIMELINE BOOTLEGS OF THE LATEST INSTALLMENTS OF THE STAR TREK AND STAR WARS FRANCHISES."

Osgood's eyes lit up.

"You said you wouldn't tell her." Complained Kate "You know I wanted to watch the new episode of Gardeners world tonight."

"YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE LAUGHED AT ME!!"

The plunger retracted rapidly. There were a couple of startled cries from the floor above.

Osgood turned to Kate.

"You don't have to come you know. I know Sci Fi isn't your thing."

"I liked that one with the Borg Queen."

"Only because you have a crush on Alice Krige."

"I'm only hu...yes okay even though her voice reminds me of that awful Lyme woman but my fondness for Alice Krige aside I'm happy to go with you."

"SHE'S SCARED OF LETTING A HOT LITTLE HANDLE BUNNY LIKE YOU LOOSE AT PLUNGERS ON YOUR OWN!" said Oswin. She was using her flexible plunger to undo one of her front panels.

Osgood wasn't sure how she felt about Oswin's words.

"That's not true." Protested Kate awkwardly.

"Don't you think I'm a hot little handlebunny then?" Asked Osgood. Her tone was teasing.

Kate looked from Oswin to Osgood.

"You two are ganging up on me aren't you?"

Oswin cackled Osgood took Kate's arm smiling. They walked up the stairs together leaving Oswin to her repairs.

"You can trust me you know." said Osgood.

"I know."

"I WAS JUST TEASING. THE REAL REASON SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU GOING ON YOUR OWN IS SO MUCH WORSE!'

"Really?" Osgood looked up into Kate's big inexpressive silver mask. "You've got to tell me."

"TELL HER!"

"I.."

"EVERYONE IS JEALOUS OF HER AT PLUNGERS WHEN SHE WALKS IN WITH YOU, AND SHE LIKES IT!!"

"This is why everyone hates Daleks." Muttered Kate.

"SHOULDN'T HAVE LAUGHED!!"

"Really people are jealous? Because of me?" Osgood was trying the concept out in her mind.

"You're very attractive Osgood."

"I am?"

"Yes."

"Wait...am I your trophy human?" The teasing tone was back. "Did you want me to wear something pretty tonight?"

"I realize I don't have lungs or a mouth but I want you both to know I am sighing in despair at you both right now." Said Kate.

"Oh I can tell." Said Osgood.

That night the three of them arrived at the Plungers Rest bar for movie night.

Osgood was wearing a suit of brown crushed velvet and a frilly white shirt.

Oswin was hovering a few feet above the ground.

"Why are you doing that?" Asked Kate.

"BECAUSE I CAN!!"

The Dalek proprietor of the bar, Mr Octopus had set up a screen at the far end of the spacious bar area.

An assortment of aliens had gathered to watch. Most weren't big movie fans but their options for entertainment were limited. A lot of them gathered there were a long way from home. Lost or abandoned, deserters or just survivors of invasion attempts. The kind of people whose pods had got knocked off course or whose cryo chambers defrosted at the wrong time.

It was an eclectic group. Species who would usually be at each other's throats were seated quietly together waiting for the movie to start. Crying Angels sat next to Sontarons and Ice Warriors.

A woman who looked like the bride of Frankenstein sat next to a Silurian and a pair of humans in maids uniforms.

Kate recognized Jenny and Vastra but didn't know who the other two were.

Osgood went to the bar and ordered a virgin Probic Vent on the rocks then took her seat next to Kate waving to Vastra and Jenny as she passed them.

The lights dimmed, the movie started with a classic gravel voiced introduction.

"Now at last Galax Flix brings you the merger of these two great franchises. The crossover fans have been waiting a century for.

Fresh from his uncompromising gritty and ultra violent multi award winning solo miniseries 'The Gungan' it's the break out character of the Star Wars universe, the one they call Mr Binks, it's Jar Jar!

And joining him for the first time ever is the sultry star of the most intensely sensual and graphically adult Star Trek spin off ever. The steamy sex symbol of the 'Hot Talaxian Nights' series, Neelix!

One is a fighter, one is a lover, together they bring the heat in:

Binks & Neelix: Menacing Voyage

Be advised that this presentation includes graphic violence, nudity and sexual imagery throughout which some viewers may find offensive."

Seated in the audience Osgood made a sound of animal pain.

"I feel like I'm about to have my boundaries challenged." Said Kate.

"WHERE DID YOU GET THIS?" Oswin asked Mr Octopus.

"MISSY DROPPED IT OFF."

"IS IT FROM THE FUTURE WHERE HUMANITY IS DOING EXTREME TERRAHAWKS COSPLAY?"

"SHE DIDN'T SAY."

"IS SHE HERE TONIGHT?"

"NO, APPARENTLY TIMELORDS CANT WATCH THIS WITHOUT IT CAUSING SPONTANEOUS REGENERATION."

Two Hours later, though it seemed much much longer, Kate, Oswin and Osgood walked home through the sewer tunnels.

"I said we should have watched Gardeners World."

"Next time I'll listen, just hold me Kate."

"I'VE NEVER SEEN A CRYING ANGEL ACTUALLY CRY TEARS BEFORE. APPARENTLY THEY'RE SHOWING THE EXTENDED DIRECTORS CUT TOMORROW. THE EXTRA FOUR HOURS OF FOOTAGE IS SUPPOSED TO COMPLETELY CHANGE THE TONE OF THE STORY."

Osgood looked up with interest.

"Really?"

Kate sighed inwardly.

Chapter 26: Post action report

Chapter Text

Since enduring cyber conversion Kate had lost most of her official standing within UNIT. She had gone from senior officer to just another alien artefact one step up from the miscellaneous junk they stored in the archive.

At the time it had been a relatively minor aspect of all she was forced to deal with but she had to admit it had been humiliating.

She fully understood why she'd been 'demoted'. Even now she wasn't entirely sure how much of a hold cyber programming had on her.

She had been grateful, almost pathetically so, to be given an active field role again even if it was as a glorified artillery piece in support of human UNIT teams.

She'd even grown to enjoy the lack of responsibility to a degree.

She'd regained some of her old confidence as she discovered that within UNIT people found it hard to say no to Kate Lethbridge Stewart even in her changed form. The fact that she could now bench press a tank also gave her a certain amount of persuasiveness.

She'd be lying if she said she didn't enjoy that.

In her old life she had been patronized and given orders by high ranking members of various governments. Those people hadn't been within a zygon's sting of actual alien life. They had little comprehension of what UNIT dealt with in the field.

In those days while they might have been wary of her intelligence and her reputation they had still seen her as a civil servant with an emphasis on the servant. Someone who could be given orders or ignored.

She rarely met with such high ranking individuals anymore. On the occasions she did she liked how intimidated they were. Not of her reputation or her authority but of the fact that they had a Cyberman standing in front of them.

It was weirdly gratifying to see their expressions as they realized she could end their careers in the most direct manner imaginable. She'd confessed as much to Osgood feeling a little ashamed. In response Osgood had started taking Kate to as many meetings as possible on the pretense that she was security.

Osgood it seemed also liked being able to bring the realities of the field into the meeting rooms.

It was even funnier when they didn't know who she was under the silver armor.

Kate had lost a lot. These days she took her laughs where she could.

While her official and legal status was still uncertain she'd begun enjoying a lot more autonomy by simply taking authority.

Inevitably mistakes happened.

Last week's action had been a good example.

She blamed Oswin. Was it surprising a Dalek was a bad influence?

Oswin had no official standing in UNIT at all but never let that stop her. It was rather inspirational.

But honestly, as Kate pointed out, if they'd been properly briefed this wouldn't have happened so it wasn't really their fault.

Anyone else would have done the same in their position.

You got a call for help you did your best to help.

It was the decent thing.

Osgood had been just as embarrassed completing the after action report when she debriefed Kate and Oswin.

I mean their intentions had been good.

The call had come in on the UNIT hotline. Oswin and Kate had been monitoring the line. Yes without any authority to do so.

Yes she fully understood it wasn't their job.

A panicking anonymous female voice. Screams in the background.

"UNIT we need you! We need you now, you said you'd be here UNIT. They're tearing the place apart, you need to get here now!!"

More shrieks and screaming then the call had abruptly cut out.

At this stage the call had been directed to the UNIT threat analysis team who would despatch a rapid response crew if they felt it was warranted.

Yes in retrospect Kate did understand she should have let them do their jobs but .... but...

She'd been bored. Oswin had suggested they help.

The UNIT reaction teams were overworked and under resourced.

A Dalek and a Cyberman could handle pretty much any threat.

The new series of Bake Off hadn't started yet. Osgood was asleep. They had nothing else to do.

Yes next time they'd wake Osgood and ask.

Kate and Oswin had deployed far faster than the UNIT rapid reaction team.

In part because they were a pair of cyborg bad asses but also because the threat analysis team knew something they didn't so hadn't bothered sending anyone.

Oswin's Dalek tech made it easy to trace where the call had come from. A bar in central London. A public place, a lot of civilians at risk.

No time for subtlety. They had needed to get in there and neutralize the threat. Shock and awe.

Yes Oswin had already paid for the repairs to the bar. Dalek mined crypto currency was perfectly valid tender.

How were they supposed to have known it was a wrong number?

Who would have guessed there was more than one organisation called UNIT?

Okay so the threat analysis team had known.

But they hadn't told Oswin and Kate.

Well they should have.

Anyway while 'Usually Not In Trousers' was undoubtedly a good name for a male strip act it was surely a violation of copyright?

If UNIT's legal team had done it's job there wouldn't have been a misunderstanding in the first place.

This was on them really.

No, the intelligence taskforce legal team not the adult dance troupe. Did the dance act even have a lawyer?

They do now?

Casualties? There hadn't been casualties as such.

Yes, admittedly, Kate had had to stun a few of the woman at the hen party when they'd tried to undress her. It had been for their own good. They'd have suffered much worse trauma if they'd seen what she looked like under her armor so she'd done them a favour.

If anything Oswin was the injured party. She was still cleaning baby oil and glitter off her casing.

There hadn't been a security breach. Not really.

Oswin's rendition of 'YOU CAN LEAVE YOUR HAT ON' might have gone viral but no one knew it was UNIT related.

Really it was lucky they'd gotten the call for 'Usually Not In Trousers'. If it had been the other way around it could have been carnage.

Though after dealing with drunken hen nights those dancers might have welcomed the change of pace. Dealing with an alien threat would be a nice break for them.

The bar owner admitted she'd dialled the wrong number.

No harm done then.

'Usually Not In Trousers' have been in touch?

They've forwarded some booking requests?

No we don't know anything about that.